Elvis Presley is dead.
I found out about this unfortunate bit of news this evening as I annoyingly (according to my soon to be baby mama) flipped through channels up/down in digital territory.
As I came across one of the PBS channels I receive I commented about this really cool concert that was on. It was none other than The King himself, Elvis Aaron Presley.
His sideburn adorned moderately pudgy face pursed as he sang the lyrics. His rhinestone bejeweled body suit strained to contain the constantly growing tonnage of the stellar performer.
That's when my old lady crushed me, stepping on my heart and grinding the pulpy, bloody mess in to the hardwood maple floors of our living room where my dreams died.
She said that Elvis Presley was dead.
Sitting there, stunned, I asked her, not wanting an answer, what had happened.
Shaking my head in disbelief, I sat in blissful denial.
After I grew out of my state of denial, I asked how it happened.
Still not wanting to hear the supposed truth, I pictured the king of Rock 'n Roll, Elvis Presley, dying gracefully; possibly surrounded by nubile, hard-bodied groupies licking the sweat from his moobs, covering every inch of his stretchy skin and fat rolls with their tongues and pleasuring Elvis the only way they knew how, bedazzling his taint.
Instead, I was dealt my old lady's version of the truth. She bluntly said that he died "on the crapper".
What?!?
My eyes welled with tears. It began with a small whimper and almost immediately turned to a full-on deluge of tears as I sobbed like a fat kid whose cake had been unceremoniously ripped from his pudgy little hands and held above him, barely out of reach.
Even worse than simply dying on the crapper, it was while eating a fried peanut butter sandwich.
No!!!
No groupies around. Just all by his lonesome self taking a crap, pushing too hard and goig in to the light.
Farewell Elvis. Farewell.
No, MinnPics doesn't have any photos of The King of Rock but there may be some festival royalty because only time will tell what Minnesota's best photographers willc apture and share with us!
10 comments:
Very sad, isn't it?
I'm going to check snopes.com on this one! I'm not willing to accept this news without verification.
I could have sworn I just saw him the other day...
I was few months old....
If I can remember correctly, I think I took it very hard.
here's some more bad news: I never liked Elvis.
elvis, dead? no way.
Elvis can't be dead. I saw him in the express line at Walmart recently.
You wife is wrong...he lives next door.
Wait, wait, wait!!! I see him all the time here in Vegas. He can't be gone! Hell, I just saw him 17 times on Sunday alone.
In middle school, he drove my school bus.
Post a Comment