1.) Pumpkin Pie.
This is a necessity. Without having at least one (preferably more) Pumpkin Pie at your Thanksgiving Day feast, you obviously hate America and all of the awesomeness which it stands for.
2.) Mashed Potatoes.
Forget adding shit like cheese and bacon bits to them. Thanksgiving is about celebrating with the most basic foods in the largest quantities available. Cheese has no fucking place on your mashed potatoes and if you are having Au Grautin Potatoes, then you're obviously a terrorist. Heap that pile of mashed potatoes high and be sure to go back for seconds because on Thanksgiving, your belt gets the day off.
3.) Cranberry Sauce.
The Pilgrims probably had the luxury of fresh cranberries picked by the hands of the native Americans whom they would later conquer and kill so as modern Americans we shall at least have the same food. Of course we should do so with a modern twist. Take that can opener out of the kitchen drawer and crank open a couple cans of Jellied Cranberry Sauce. Brand has no place, I prefer the cheapest I can find, and slice off discs of jellied Cranberry goodness. If your relatives don't like the Jellied Cranberry Sauce that simply leaves more for you. If they begin to taunt you for liking something so weird, tell them how you truly feel about them. Don't hold anything back. They are now DEAD to you.
4.) Stuffing.
Don't call it "dressing" because what the fuck is it actually dressing. This stuffing comes out of your turkey's ass like it ought to. And it needs to have plump, juicy raisins in it. Not giant chunks of onions but raisins because that's just the way it is. If your spouse says this is gross, it is grounds for divorce. Seriously, consult a lawyer.
5.) Gravy.
This is the only accessory which is acceptable for your mountain of mashed potatoes. Put a healthy drizzle of gravy -- hopefully from a can, jar or a bag which came stuffed up the turkey's ass -- on those potatoes. Then put more on. Dump it on your stuffing and turkey. They lick the rest out of the gravy boat. Laugh maniacally at the person who would have received the gravy next, pound your fist on the table and proclaim yourself "king of the gravy" as you leave no gravy for anyone else. Maybe they'll think twice about making only three gallons of gravy next year.
6.) Candied Sweet Potatoes.
They are healthy because they're orange. They're delicious because they are glazed with butter, brown sugar and milk. Notice how I didn't mention marshmallows. That's because marshmallows have one purpose -- s'mores. Marshmallows are NOT a Thanksgiving food. Leave my house, hippie.
7.) Turkey.
Cook it breast down after seasoning it. DOn't just throw the headless bird in a pan and shove it in the oven. Take some pride in this genetically modified turkey and at least make an attempt at seasoning the poor bird. Use some Kosher salt, Paprika, hell, maybe ever some freshly ground pepper. Shoved a few sticks of butter under its skin. A few more up its cavernous ass. Rub butter on the outside, too. Eat half a stick of butter then, and only then, can you shove it in the oven and routinely baste it.
There you have it. The seven essential Thanksgiving foods necessary for a proper Thanksgiving feast complete with the best way to prepare each one. Eat until you feel sick because that's the American way!
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