I recently returned from a trip to the Hawaiian island of Kauai. Populated with far more chickens that humans, this is definitely the most authentic look at Hawaii I have seen and truly the most laid back of the islands I have visited. In our time on the island of Kauai, we managed to sample a wide variety of Mai Tai cocktails and throughout our travels on the island came up with the list below chronicling the tastiness, price and location of some of the Mai Tais we threw down our drink holes. Use this guide as you plan for your vacation to Kauai as this is the definitive guide to the best Mai Tain on the Hawaiian island of Kauai.
9th Island
Kapa’a
$11
Fruity but definitely not watered down. Two of these will sneak up on you and remind you that you are, in fact, drinking a tropical cocktail that is laden with alcohol. The 9th Island Bar and Grill is located in a strip mall adjacent to the Safeway grocery store in Kapa’a. If you ever get a hankering for a slice of the mainland while on the island of Kauai, this is the bar and grill for you. It doesn’t hurt that it’s owned by a guy with Minnesota roots who is originally from White Bear Lake, MN.
Smith's Family Luau
Kapa’a
Free with admission
The food was the best of the three luaus I have attended in Hawaii and the Mai Tais were the second best of my entire trip to Kauai. You can grab two at a time from the open bar during dinner and it’s entirely possible to drink a dozen cocktails while you eat. While they may be a bit weaker than those which you pay for out of your own pocket at other bars and restaurants, the sheer quantity you can consume in a short amount of time will make up for the somewhat weak mix. They definitely do not lack in the flavor department, though. The show at the Smith Family Luau isn’t bad but not stellar either. I got a hearty laugh out of one of the cultures portrayed whose supposed claim to fame was being able to stroke a chicken to sleep.
Outrigger restaurant/bar - Oasis on the Beach
Kapa’a
$12
Tall and tasty. Mixed with a different blend of tropical juices than I had come to expect, possibly a bit heavy on pineapple. The setting is nice as the Outrigger Waipouli in Kapa’a sits just feet from the beach on the Pacific Ocean. This just so happens to be the very hotel/condo which we stayed at and I would definitely go back again as the Outrigger properties are definitely top notch (we honeymooned at Outrigger Reef on the Beach in Waikiki).
Rob’s Good Times Grill
Lihue
$11
Definitely tops as far as Mai Tai drinking is concerned on Kauai. A little sports bar tucked away next to a bowling alley in Lihue, an ad for Rob’s Good Times Grill ironically played on the radio as we pulled into the parking lot. A buddy of mine boasted about how these were the best Mai Tais he had had during his vacation and he should know as he was rarely seen without a Mai Tai in his hand.
Tiki Iniki
Princeville
$14
Strong Mai Tais. Little if any juice. Good if you want to get rip-roaring drunk in paradise but not flavorful at all. A bit lacking in atmosphere as well as this bar, owned by Todd Rundgren, is located towards the back of a cute little shopping center in the north shore enclave of Princeville. The service was a bit slow at Tiki Iniki and a friend of mine discovered a little paper umbrella smashed in the bottom of one of his green ceramic Mai Tai glasses. That leads even the slowest person to believe that the glass had not been washed. A bit of a disgusting vision to be sure but, like I said, the Mai Tai from Tiki Iniki in Princeville on the island of Kauai was strong and full of alcohol. One short swig and I knew that this outing would be interesting.
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Showing posts with label list. Show all posts
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
7 essential Thanksgiving foods
America is truly a melting pot but there are some dishes -- especially for a day set aside to celebrate
the one time when the pilgrims got along with the native Americans before killing them with weapons and disease -- that are essential to your Thanksgiving Day feast.
1.) Pumpkin Pie.
This is a necessity. Without having at least one (preferably more) Pumpkin Pie at your Thanksgiving Day feast, you obviously hate America and all of the awesomeness which it stands for.
2.) Mashed Potatoes.
Forget adding shit like cheese and bacon bits to them. Thanksgiving is about celebrating with the most basic foods in the largest quantities available. Cheese has no fucking place on your mashed potatoes and if you are having Au Grautin Potatoes, then you're obviously a terrorist. Heap that pile of mashed potatoes high and be sure to go back for seconds because on Thanksgiving, your belt gets the day off.
3.) Cranberry Sauce.
The Pilgrims probably had the luxury of fresh cranberries picked by the hands of the native Americans whom they would later conquer and kill so as modern Americans we shall at least have the same food. Of course we should do so with a modern twist. Take that can opener out of the kitchen drawer and crank open a couple cans of Jellied Cranberry Sauce. Brand has no place, I prefer the cheapest I can find, and slice off discs of jellied Cranberry goodness. If your relatives don't like the Jellied Cranberry Sauce that simply leaves more for you. If they begin to taunt you for liking something so weird, tell them how you truly feel about them. Don't hold anything back. They are now DEAD to you.
4.) Stuffing.
Don't call it "dressing" because what the fuck is it actually dressing. This stuffing comes out of your turkey's ass like it ought to. And it needs to have plump, juicy raisins in it. Not giant chunks of onions but raisins because that's just the way it is. If your spouse says this is gross, it is grounds for divorce. Seriously, consult a lawyer.
5.) Gravy.
This is the only accessory which is acceptable for your mountain of mashed potatoes. Put a healthy drizzle of gravy -- hopefully from a can, jar or a bag which came stuffed up the turkey's ass -- on those potatoes. Then put more on. Dump it on your stuffing and turkey. They lick the rest out of the gravy boat. Laugh maniacally at the person who would have received the gravy next, pound your fist on the table and proclaim yourself "king of the gravy" as you leave no gravy for anyone else. Maybe they'll think twice about making only three gallons of gravy next year.
6.) Candied Sweet Potatoes.
They are healthy because they're orange. They're delicious because they are glazed with butter, brown sugar and milk. Notice how I didn't mention marshmallows. That's because marshmallows have one purpose -- s'mores. Marshmallows are NOT a Thanksgiving food. Leave my house, hippie.
7.) Turkey.
Cook it breast down after seasoning it. DOn't just throw the headless bird in a pan and shove it in the oven. Take some pride in this genetically modified turkey and at least make an attempt at seasoning the poor bird. Use some Kosher salt, Paprika, hell, maybe ever some freshly ground pepper. Shoved a few sticks of butter under its skin. A few more up its cavernous ass. Rub butter on the outside, too. Eat half a stick of butter then, and only then, can you shove it in the oven and routinely baste it.
There you have it. The seven essential Thanksgiving foods necessary for a proper Thanksgiving feast complete with the best way to prepare each one. Eat until you feel sick because that's the American way!
1.) Pumpkin Pie.
This is a necessity. Without having at least one (preferably more) Pumpkin Pie at your Thanksgiving Day feast, you obviously hate America and all of the awesomeness which it stands for.
2.) Mashed Potatoes.
Forget adding shit like cheese and bacon bits to them. Thanksgiving is about celebrating with the most basic foods in the largest quantities available. Cheese has no fucking place on your mashed potatoes and if you are having Au Grautin Potatoes, then you're obviously a terrorist. Heap that pile of mashed potatoes high and be sure to go back for seconds because on Thanksgiving, your belt gets the day off.
3.) Cranberry Sauce.
The Pilgrims probably had the luxury of fresh cranberries picked by the hands of the native Americans whom they would later conquer and kill so as modern Americans we shall at least have the same food. Of course we should do so with a modern twist. Take that can opener out of the kitchen drawer and crank open a couple cans of Jellied Cranberry Sauce. Brand has no place, I prefer the cheapest I can find, and slice off discs of jellied Cranberry goodness. If your relatives don't like the Jellied Cranberry Sauce that simply leaves more for you. If they begin to taunt you for liking something so weird, tell them how you truly feel about them. Don't hold anything back. They are now DEAD to you.
4.) Stuffing.
Don't call it "dressing" because what the fuck is it actually dressing. This stuffing comes out of your turkey's ass like it ought to. And it needs to have plump, juicy raisins in it. Not giant chunks of onions but raisins because that's just the way it is. If your spouse says this is gross, it is grounds for divorce. Seriously, consult a lawyer.
5.) Gravy.
This is the only accessory which is acceptable for your mountain of mashed potatoes. Put a healthy drizzle of gravy -- hopefully from a can, jar or a bag which came stuffed up the turkey's ass -- on those potatoes. Then put more on. Dump it on your stuffing and turkey. They lick the rest out of the gravy boat. Laugh maniacally at the person who would have received the gravy next, pound your fist on the table and proclaim yourself "king of the gravy" as you leave no gravy for anyone else. Maybe they'll think twice about making only three gallons of gravy next year.
6.) Candied Sweet Potatoes.
They are healthy because they're orange. They're delicious because they are glazed with butter, brown sugar and milk. Notice how I didn't mention marshmallows. That's because marshmallows have one purpose -- s'mores. Marshmallows are NOT a Thanksgiving food. Leave my house, hippie.
7.) Turkey.
Cook it breast down after seasoning it. DOn't just throw the headless bird in a pan and shove it in the oven. Take some pride in this genetically modified turkey and at least make an attempt at seasoning the poor bird. Use some Kosher salt, Paprika, hell, maybe ever some freshly ground pepper. Shoved a few sticks of butter under its skin. A few more up its cavernous ass. Rub butter on the outside, too. Eat half a stick of butter then, and only then, can you shove it in the oven and routinely baste it.
There you have it. The seven essential Thanksgiving foods necessary for a proper Thanksgiving feast complete with the best way to prepare each one. Eat until you feel sick because that's the American way!
Wednesday, March 05, 2014
32 Questions
What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Being self-sufficient. In terms of employment that means being self-employed.
Never having to worry that a boss, supervisor or manager will cut you loose in
an effort to save their own ass. It also means truly controlling your own
destiny and likely working harder than you have ever worked in your life.
What is your greatest fear?
Disappointing those around me – mainly my family.
Which living person do you most admire?
My wife. She has done so much that goes unappreciated or under-appreciated and unnoticed.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Having a short fuse.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Ignorance.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Dining out.
What is your favorite journey?
My first job after moving to the Twin Cities. I stayed on for nearly ten years and while I struggled to make myself valuable those struggles taught me most of everything I know today and opened the doors to a new career path with, I hope, more job security.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
The ability to multi-task. That just means that you are distracted.
On what occasions do you lie?
To keep from hurting a family member.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My nose. Or maybe my wirey arms.
Which living person do you most despise?
People who refuse to take responsibility for their failures. Embrace them and learn from them.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fuck.
What is your greatest regret?
Holding a grudge too long and never fully repairing that damaged relationship before it was too late.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My wife and kids.
When and where were you happiest?
During a trip we won to Bluefin Bay on Lake Superior.
Which talent would you most like to have?
Being more mechanically skilled.
What is your current state of mind?
Self-doubt.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Be a couple inches taller. In today’s world, height is very important.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Convincing my wife to marry me.
If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A cloud. Just imagine the view.
What is your most treasured possession?
My family. They are healthy and that’s good.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Losing a loved one.
Where would you like to live?
A place in “the country” fairly close to a small town overlooking a river or creek where I have space to roam, solitude when I want it and a close replication to the on-the-farm environment I was lucky enough to grow up in.
What is your favorite occupation?
Toiling away in the garden.
What is your most marked characteristic?
I can say most anything, true or not, and get away with it by following it up with a laugh.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
A good father.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
A good mother.
What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty.
What are your favorite television shows?
Recently I can’t miss “The Walking Dead”, I am sad to see “How I Met Your Mother” coming to an end, the comedy of “30 Rock” is as close to genius as there is and “Fringe” was vastly underappreciated and managed to combine elements of family and loss into a sprawling and fantastic sci-fi drama that topped anything that “The X-Files” ever achieved.
Who are your heroes in real life?
My parents.
How would you like to die?
I’d like to know when so I can delete my browser history. Kidding.
What is your motto?
Pants are too restricting.
What is your greatest fear?
Disappointing those around me – mainly my family.
Which living person do you most admire?
My wife. She has done so much that goes unappreciated or under-appreciated and unnoticed.
What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Having a short fuse.
What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Ignorance.
What is your greatest extravagance?
Dining out.
What is your favorite journey?
My first job after moving to the Twin Cities. I stayed on for nearly ten years and while I struggled to make myself valuable those struggles taught me most of everything I know today and opened the doors to a new career path with, I hope, more job security.
What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
The ability to multi-task. That just means that you are distracted.
On what occasions do you lie?
To keep from hurting a family member.
What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My nose. Or maybe my wirey arms.
Which living person do you most despise?
People who refuse to take responsibility for their failures. Embrace them and learn from them.
Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fuck.
What is your greatest regret?
Holding a grudge too long and never fully repairing that damaged relationship before it was too late.
What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My wife and kids.
When and where were you happiest?
During a trip we won to Bluefin Bay on Lake Superior.
Which talent would you most like to have?
Being more mechanically skilled.
What is your current state of mind?
Self-doubt.
If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Be a couple inches taller. In today’s world, height is very important.
What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Convincing my wife to marry me.
If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A cloud. Just imagine the view.
What is your most treasured possession?
My family. They are healthy and that’s good.
What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Losing a loved one.
Where would you like to live?
A place in “the country” fairly close to a small town overlooking a river or creek where I have space to roam, solitude when I want it and a close replication to the on-the-farm environment I was lucky enough to grow up in.
What is your favorite occupation?
Toiling away in the garden.
What is your most marked characteristic?
I can say most anything, true or not, and get away with it by following it up with a laugh.
What is the quality you most like in a man?
A good father.
What is the quality you most like in a woman?
A good mother.
What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty.
What are your favorite television shows?
Recently I can’t miss “The Walking Dead”, I am sad to see “How I Met Your Mother” coming to an end, the comedy of “30 Rock” is as close to genius as there is and “Fringe” was vastly underappreciated and managed to combine elements of family and loss into a sprawling and fantastic sci-fi drama that topped anything that “The X-Files” ever achieved.
Who are your heroes in real life?
My parents.
How would you like to die?
I’d like to know when so I can delete my browser history. Kidding.
What is your motto?
Pants are too restricting.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Top 7 Reasons Traffic Slows Down in Minnesota
- A light mist
- A dusting of snow
- Law enforcement has someone pulled over ten miles ahead
- Clouds
- An entrance ramp is within a mile
- Someone tapped their brakes
- A lane ends a few miles away
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
How curling works – Sochi Olympics Guide
For starters, players aim to guide heavy, granite stones across a sheet of textured ice toward a target area called the house that is split into four rings. (Consider curling a distant cousin of shuffleboard.) Two teams, each with four players, take turns sliding the stones — also called “rocks” —toward the target. Each team has eight stones per end, which is curling's version of, say, a baseball inning. There are 10 ends in a tournament-style game.
Need a visual? Here ya' go:
The stone weighs 38 to 44 pounds. Players use brooms to smooth the ice and ease the stone’s path toward the house. If a player breaks a rule — like nudging the stone with their shoe — they should be “the first to divulge the breach,” according to the WCF. This sportsmanship expectation is part of what players call “the spirit of curling.”
Scoring
The objective is simple: The team that lands the most stones closest to the bulls-eye wins.
Players win a point for every stone that 1) lands in the house and 2) is closer to the “button” — or center of the house — than the closest opponent stone. (For example, if Team A has the closest stone and Team B has the second closest stone, Team A can only earn one point, even if the rest of Team B's stones somehow ended up outside of the curling arena.) Teams can knock an opponent’s stone away from the house — and, through some vigorous sweeping, strategically place some stones as makeshift shields (guards) to protect others.
It is impossible, however, for both teams to score in an end, which last the amout of time it takes to throw all of the stones. Points are awarded only to the team that did better in each end. (Should a team tie, there are tie-breaker rounds.) The best possible score in an end is 8-0, which happens when one team gets all eight stones closer to the button than its opponent. This is called a “snowman” — curling slang for a perfect game.
Quick terminology:
Bonspiel: A curling tournament.
Circles: The round scoring area, 12 feet in diameter, with concentric circles 1, 4, and 8 feet in diameter. Curl: The rotating movement of a stone caused by turning the handle.
Delivery: The act of throwing a rock.
End: Similar to an inning in baseball; in an end, each team throws 8 rocks, 2 per player in alternating fashion. Tournament-style games run for 10 ends.
Front End: The lead and second player on a curling team.
Heavy: A stone that is delivered with more than the desired amount of weight or force.
House: The round scoring area, 12 feet in diameter, with concentric circles 1, 4, and 8 feet in diameter. Light: A stone that is delivered with less than the desired weight or force.
Rink: A curling team that consists of four players: the skip, third (vice-skip), second, and lead. Also refers to the place where curling is played.
Rock: Stone.
Sheet: The 146-foot-long area of the ice on which the game is played.
Skip: The player who calls the ice and determines the strategy. Almost always plays the last two rocks for his team (but may throw in a different order in some games.)
Sweeping: Using a brush to polish the ice in an effort to alter the action of the rock.
Need a visual? Here ya' go:
The stone weighs 38 to 44 pounds. Players use brooms to smooth the ice and ease the stone’s path toward the house. If a player breaks a rule — like nudging the stone with their shoe — they should be “the first to divulge the breach,” according to the WCF. This sportsmanship expectation is part of what players call “the spirit of curling.”
Scoring
The objective is simple: The team that lands the most stones closest to the bulls-eye wins.
Players win a point for every stone that 1) lands in the house and 2) is closer to the “button” — or center of the house — than the closest opponent stone. (For example, if Team A has the closest stone and Team B has the second closest stone, Team A can only earn one point, even if the rest of Team B's stones somehow ended up outside of the curling arena.) Teams can knock an opponent’s stone away from the house — and, through some vigorous sweeping, strategically place some stones as makeshift shields (guards) to protect others.
It is impossible, however, for both teams to score in an end, which last the amout of time it takes to throw all of the stones. Points are awarded only to the team that did better in each end. (Should a team tie, there are tie-breaker rounds.) The best possible score in an end is 8-0, which happens when one team gets all eight stones closer to the button than its opponent. This is called a “snowman” — curling slang for a perfect game.
Quick terminology:
Bonspiel: A curling tournament.
Circles: The round scoring area, 12 feet in diameter, with concentric circles 1, 4, and 8 feet in diameter. Curl: The rotating movement of a stone caused by turning the handle.
Delivery: The act of throwing a rock.
End: Similar to an inning in baseball; in an end, each team throws 8 rocks, 2 per player in alternating fashion. Tournament-style games run for 10 ends.
Front End: The lead and second player on a curling team.
Heavy: A stone that is delivered with more than the desired amount of weight or force.
House: The round scoring area, 12 feet in diameter, with concentric circles 1, 4, and 8 feet in diameter. Light: A stone that is delivered with less than the desired weight or force.
Rink: A curling team that consists of four players: the skip, third (vice-skip), second, and lead. Also refers to the place where curling is played.
Rock: Stone.
Sheet: The 146-foot-long area of the ice on which the game is played.
Skip: The player who calls the ice and determines the strategy. Almost always plays the last two rocks for his team (but may throw in a different order in some games.)
Sweeping: Using a brush to polish the ice in an effort to alter the action of the rock.
Thursday, February 06, 2014
More accurate cable TV channel names
Cable television is both a land of excellent programming and a complete and utter mess where sameness across multiple channels reigns supreme. After all, how many different outlets can possibly air virtually indistinguishable crime drama repeats from CBS? What really irks some, though, more than programming is the fact that the same names of these channels from when they were unique and catered to a niche still exist today even though their programming strays very far from that "heritage" name.
MTV becomes TV
MTV once served a purpose. It was the go-to place for music videos but even before the advent of YouTube, Vevo, iTunes and everything else online, the channel began loading up on unscripted "lifestyle" programming catering to a teen and early twenty-something audience. With marathons of "Teen Mom" and "True Life", the channel is ripe for rebranding simply as "TV".
VH-1 becomes 1
VH-1, like MTV, used to show music videos around the clock. I always viewed it as the more mature of the two music video channels. Since that time it has devolved into some sort of bastardized format consisting of shows about mob wives and basketball wives and other dreck nobody would admit to watching.
The Weather Channel becomes Whether
Because the channel is owned by Comcast/Universal which is the proud owner of such blunders as Cloo, SyFy and E!, it is only fitting that they would transition to a cutesy little play on their former name and, in the process, further blur the channel's once clear identity.
MTV becomes TV
MTV once served a purpose. It was the go-to place for music videos but even before the advent of YouTube, Vevo, iTunes and everything else online, the channel began loading up on unscripted "lifestyle" programming catering to a teen and early twenty-something audience. With marathons of "Teen Mom" and "True Life", the channel is ripe for rebranding simply as "TV".
VH-1 becomes 1
VH-1, like MTV, used to show music videos around the clock. I always viewed it as the more mature of the two music video channels. Since that time it has devolved into some sort of bastardized format consisting of shows about mob wives and basketball wives and other dreck nobody would admit to watching.
The Weather Channel becomes Whether
Because the channel is owned by Comcast/Universal which is the proud owner of such blunders as Cloo, SyFy and E!, it is only fitting that they would transition to a cutesy little play on their former name and, in the process, further blur the channel's once clear identity.
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
Funny names - a list
Next time you're bored, have some time on your hands and feel like having some fun, try masquerading as one of the following hilarious names... Your amount of laughs may vary.
Drew Peacock
Hugh Janus
Helen Bedd
Hugh Jerekshun
Mo Lester
Anita Cox
Al Kaholik
Mike Hunt
Drew P. Wiener
Al Bino
Amanda Lay
Peg Legge
Wanna Hickey
Harden Thicke
Harry P. Ness
Anita Bath
Drew Peacock
Hugh Janus
Helen Bedd
Hugh Jerekshun
Mo Lester
Anita Cox
Al Kaholik
Mike Hunt
Drew P. Wiener
Al Bino
Amanda Lay
Peg Legge
Wanna Hickey
Harden Thicke
Harry P. Ness
Anita Bath
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Four pieces of driving advice
2. If a law enforcement officer has someone pulled over safely out of traffic, don't slow down. Shoulders exist on roads and highways for a reason. If the police have someone stopped three lanes away, don't slow down because you're more likely to cause an accident. Additionally, the police already have someone pulled over, they won't leave and come after you.
3. Keep going a steady speed. This is especially irritating in heavy traffic or "stop and go" traffic as it is referred to. The reason it is called stop and go traffic is because people have an irrational fear of leaving more than six inches between themselves and the car in front of them. Space is actually good. And a steady speed is better then stopping and going between 20 MPH and zero.
4. Get off your phone. I'm not talking about texting or updating your Facebook status, I am referring to actually having a conversation on your phone. I can tell because your speed is varied and you are barely keeping you car in one lane. If you have problems both talking and driving, stop doing one of the two. Please.
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Sports / games that should be in the London Olympics
Plenty of viable and popular sports are recklessly omitted from the Olympic games and below is an extensive list of sports and competitions which need to be included in the next Olympic games.
Chicken
A two-person team competes against another two-person team in a swimming pool with one person in the water and the other on their teammate's shoulders, wrestling the competitor off of the other team's shoulders. The best of three bouts results in the winning team moving on to the next round of competition.
Dodgeball
It worked in a movie so why can't it work in the Olympics?
Kickball
This summertime sport is hugely popular in park and rec leagues across America so why can't it move on to the next level? It's far more accessible than non-sports like Dressage.
Trench
An aggressive sport pitting two teams against each other, dodging balls from the opposing team and working together to free their captured team members from the opposition's trench. A lot like dodgeball but with more of a battle lean to it.
Floor hockey
Again, a more accessible version of traditional ice hockey. To make it more interesting it could be played on asphalt to increase the rate of cuts, scrapes and abrasions.
Tag
It's self explanatory and it would bring a sense of childhood whimsy to the Olympics.
That's all I can think of for now but what Olympic games or sports would you include in Olympic competition if you had control? Would you add more extreme competitions or include some kick-ass playground favorites?
Chicken
A two-person team competes against another two-person team in a swimming pool with one person in the water and the other on their teammate's shoulders, wrestling the competitor off of the other team's shoulders. The best of three bouts results in the winning team moving on to the next round of competition.
Dodgeball
It worked in a movie so why can't it work in the Olympics?
Kickball
This summertime sport is hugely popular in park and rec leagues across America so why can't it move on to the next level? It's far more accessible than non-sports like Dressage.
Trench
An aggressive sport pitting two teams against each other, dodging balls from the opposing team and working together to free their captured team members from the opposition's trench. A lot like dodgeball but with more of a battle lean to it.
Floor hockey
Again, a more accessible version of traditional ice hockey. To make it more interesting it could be played on asphalt to increase the rate of cuts, scrapes and abrasions.
Tag
It's self explanatory and it would bring a sense of childhood whimsy to the Olympics.
That's all I can think of for now but what Olympic games or sports would you include in Olympic competition if you had control? Would you add more extreme competitions or include some kick-ass playground favorites?
Monday, April 09, 2012
5 essential tips for Facebook users
Some people think that using Facebook is as easy as sharing whatever you feel like sharing but if you want to make an impact in the world of Facebook, pay attention to these five essential tips for Facebook users.
1.) Don't share everything. You'd think that Facebook users would understand that sharing everything is stupid but have a filter, people. It should be common sense to not share everything on Facebook but the world is full of stupid adults and teenagers and people fail to realize that all of those Facebook posts amount to a sort of digital diary that, if not properly "locked down", is publicly viewable and could build an inaccurate persona for potential employers if you are, in fact, employable. I don't care that you woke up in a stranger's bed last weekend. I don't want to know that you have a mysterious rash downstairs. Keep that crap to yourselves.
2.) Stop professing your love. Hey, I get it, you love your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/boss/significant other/cousin but you are turning the stomachs of the majority of your friends. Again, stop sharing everything. I don't care that you call your significant other your "smoochie pookie" or some other obnoxious nickname that makes me want to vomit in my shoes.
3.) Enough with the sharing of stupid photos. You know the type I'm talking about. The photos that used to arrive in your email inbox below a string of fifty or so forwards eagerly sent by your 68 year-old aunt from Tempe. Yes, Facebook may have made communication much faster and more seamless but in doing so it has replaced email to a certain extent and brought with all the annoying crap that no longer arrives in my email inbox. There is, of course, the sharing and re-sharing of stupid fucking photos and jpegs with quippy phrases that the sharer thinks are so damn funny but are really annoying, factually inaccurate, annoying or out and out racist. If you want to look stupid, continue sharing those photos someone jacked from thechive.com or the cheezburger network. That crap may be funny to you but it makes you look like an uneducated hillbilly to others.
4.) Stop tagging everyone in your photos. Again I get that Facebook is all about everyone being connected but if you snapped a photo of your bestie doing a kegstand don't tag your bestie in it. Your bestie may have a job where such activity may be frowned upon. How would you feel if being tagged in one of your friend's photos resulted in being called into your employer's human resources office? Just think twice, dummies.
5.) Enough with the games. Everyone loves to play games but stop posting your activity and scores. I hate unsubscribing to that garbage because I have actual important uses for Facebook but all of that time I spend unsubscribing from your damn game updates pisses away plenty of time in my day.
What do you think? Are there additional tips you'd care to share? Drop a note in the comments.
Bonus Tip.) Watch your spelling. If you don't know how to spell something consult dictionary.com. If you're too lazy for that try using Firefox as your browser. It has a live spellcheck feature so you won't come off as a 9th grade dropout on your Facebook status updates.
1.) Don't share everything. You'd think that Facebook users would understand that sharing everything is stupid but have a filter, people. It should be common sense to not share everything on Facebook but the world is full of stupid adults and teenagers and people fail to realize that all of those Facebook posts amount to a sort of digital diary that, if not properly "locked down", is publicly viewable and could build an inaccurate persona for potential employers if you are, in fact, employable. I don't care that you woke up in a stranger's bed last weekend. I don't want to know that you have a mysterious rash downstairs. Keep that crap to yourselves.
2.) Stop professing your love. Hey, I get it, you love your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/boss/significant other/cousin but you are turning the stomachs of the majority of your friends. Again, stop sharing everything. I don't care that you call your significant other your "smoochie pookie" or some other obnoxious nickname that makes me want to vomit in my shoes.
3.) Enough with the sharing of stupid photos. You know the type I'm talking about. The photos that used to arrive in your email inbox below a string of fifty or so forwards eagerly sent by your 68 year-old aunt from Tempe. Yes, Facebook may have made communication much faster and more seamless but in doing so it has replaced email to a certain extent and brought with all the annoying crap that no longer arrives in my email inbox. There is, of course, the sharing and re-sharing of stupid fucking photos and jpegs with quippy phrases that the sharer thinks are so damn funny but are really annoying, factually inaccurate, annoying or out and out racist. If you want to look stupid, continue sharing those photos someone jacked from thechive.com or the cheezburger network. That crap may be funny to you but it makes you look like an uneducated hillbilly to others.
4.) Stop tagging everyone in your photos. Again I get that Facebook is all about everyone being connected but if you snapped a photo of your bestie doing a kegstand don't tag your bestie in it. Your bestie may have a job where such activity may be frowned upon. How would you feel if being tagged in one of your friend's photos resulted in being called into your employer's human resources office? Just think twice, dummies.
5.) Enough with the games. Everyone loves to play games but stop posting your activity and scores. I hate unsubscribing to that garbage because I have actual important uses for Facebook but all of that time I spend unsubscribing from your damn game updates pisses away plenty of time in my day.
What do you think? Are there additional tips you'd care to share? Drop a note in the comments.
Bonus Tip.) Watch your spelling. If you don't know how to spell something consult dictionary.com. If you're too lazy for that try using Firefox as your browser. It has a live spellcheck feature so you won't come off as a 9th grade dropout on your Facebook status updates.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
3 things to remember when you get older
Every day we probably all think of things that we should remember down the road a stretch. But how many of us actually remember those bits of information for a later date? In lieu of taking actual notes, I though I'd put those wise bits of information right here for all to see.
You can never tell your children something too many times.
SUre, you're going to come off as a broken record when you tell them, for the twentieth time, that it's not safe to hitch a ride with a stranger unless they have a sharp knife or can of mace close at hand but beating some words of wisdom into a child's brain is better than finding out that they've spent four long months in the bottom of Buffalo Bill's well in his creepy sex dungeon. It's just common sense. Oh, and don't take candy from strangers.
Your kid(s) will have premarital sex.
You did it too so don't think you're better than everyone else. If you think that your teenager isn't already fooling around in their car, in the local cemetery, in a deserted barn or underneath the bleachers at their high school's football field you are fooling yourself. Talk to your kid about sex. Yeah, it's gonna be hella awkward and you'll probably find yourself alluding to bumble bees or bananas but it sure beats that excruciating weekend you had back in 11th grade when you waited for your girlfriend's Aunt Flow to come-a-knocking.
It's never too early to think about your own death.
Get a plan together. Your own death is nothing fun to plan for and yes, you have to pay even to die but it's part of the circle of life (or death in this case) so at least have a list of who gets what. I know that everyone in your family will be fighting over the rights to take home that killer collector plate that says you did in fact tackle the biggest burger in the west and won.
You can never tell your children something too many times.
SUre, you're going to come off as a broken record when you tell them, for the twentieth time, that it's not safe to hitch a ride with a stranger unless they have a sharp knife or can of mace close at hand but beating some words of wisdom into a child's brain is better than finding out that they've spent four long months in the bottom of Buffalo Bill's well in his creepy sex dungeon. It's just common sense. Oh, and don't take candy from strangers.
Your kid(s) will have premarital sex.
You did it too so don't think you're better than everyone else. If you think that your teenager isn't already fooling around in their car, in the local cemetery, in a deserted barn or underneath the bleachers at their high school's football field you are fooling yourself. Talk to your kid about sex. Yeah, it's gonna be hella awkward and you'll probably find yourself alluding to bumble bees or bananas but it sure beats that excruciating weekend you had back in 11th grade when you waited for your girlfriend's Aunt Flow to come-a-knocking.
It's never too early to think about your own death.
Get a plan together. Your own death is nothing fun to plan for and yes, you have to pay even to die but it's part of the circle of life (or death in this case) so at least have a list of who gets what. I know that everyone in your family will be fighting over the rights to take home that killer collector plate that says you did in fact tackle the biggest burger in the west and won.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Keys to being a Minnesotan
Immigrants to Minnesota say that it's hard to adapt, that us native Minnesotans are closed off and cliquish. While that may be true, in my 31-plus years as a native Minnesotan I've noticed certain things that will make you stick out like a sore thumb so below are some tips on how to fit in to the Minnesota culture.
Know how to pronounce Wayzata and Edina. (Why-zet-uh and E-dine-uh) I've haeard both radio and TV personalities virtually slaughter these two lofty Minneapolis suburbs. As for the suburbs of St. Paul, they are so basic and forgettable that nobody cares so let's move along.
Know something about our cultural icons. For instance, Minneapolis used to have an NBA team (don't confuse the Minnesota Timberwolves with being of NBA caliber). The Minneapolis Lakers were a damn good team but moved to the greener (?) pastures of Los Angeles where people actually venture outdoors during the winter months and professional-quality basketball arenas abound.
Don't forget, too, about legends such as Paul Bunyan. He was a steel driving man who, as legend has it, stood eight feet tall and had a toenail on his penis. Legend also has it that his back was the first mode of transport across the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. Important man indeed.
Minnesota also has true, honest to God winters but they aren't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. In all seriousness, buy a pair of gloves and a warm winter jacket. Feel free to invest in a stocking cap and remember to keep your tires inflated. Lastly, don't walk out to get your mail barefoot in the middle of January. That will not end well and you could very well end up stuck to your ice-covered sidewalk for all of the neighborhood to laugh at... and we WILL laugh.
Buy a boat. In a state whose population is nearly 5 million there are just over 3 million registered boats so if you don't have a boat in your driveway people will know you're not one of us. If you can't afford a Glastron or Alumacraft, save up your milk jugs and cartons and build your own boat. Hey, if it floats, it's a boat. Right? If it doesn't float you could still enter it in a milk carton boat race. It seems like most every town with a lake in Minnesota sponsors a milk carton boat race during their cutesy little annual summer festival.
Finally you should learn to love hot dish (or as some refer to it, casserole). Church festivals and neighborhood gatherings will require you to bring a dish to pass and hot dish is viewed as an alternate form of currency in Minnesota. Tater Tot hot dish is always a classic but if you're in desperate need of a recipe, ask your neighbor. Chances are that any millde-aged Minnesotan has a shoebox full of hot dish recipes lying around that they'd be more than eager to share and recommend their favorite to you.
With the basics down, you're one step closer to fitting in. Just don't piss us off because while we'll just brush it off, after you leave we'll bad talk you until the day you die because Minnesota nice is just a myth.
Know how to pronounce Wayzata and Edina. (Why-zet-uh and E-dine-uh) I've haeard both radio and TV personalities virtually slaughter these two lofty Minneapolis suburbs. As for the suburbs of St. Paul, they are so basic and forgettable that nobody cares so let's move along.
Know something about our cultural icons. For instance, Minneapolis used to have an NBA team (don't confuse the Minnesota Timberwolves with being of NBA caliber). The Minneapolis Lakers were a damn good team but moved to the greener (?) pastures of Los Angeles where people actually venture outdoors during the winter months and professional-quality basketball arenas abound.
Don't forget, too, about legends such as Paul Bunyan. He was a steel driving man who, as legend has it, stood eight feet tall and had a toenail on his penis. Legend also has it that his back was the first mode of transport across the Mississippi River in Minneapolis. Important man indeed.
Minnesota also has true, honest to God winters but they aren't nearly as bad as people would have you believe. In all seriousness, buy a pair of gloves and a warm winter jacket. Feel free to invest in a stocking cap and remember to keep your tires inflated. Lastly, don't walk out to get your mail barefoot in the middle of January. That will not end well and you could very well end up stuck to your ice-covered sidewalk for all of the neighborhood to laugh at... and we WILL laugh.
Buy a boat. In a state whose population is nearly 5 million there are just over 3 million registered boats so if you don't have a boat in your driveway people will know you're not one of us. If you can't afford a Glastron or Alumacraft, save up your milk jugs and cartons and build your own boat. Hey, if it floats, it's a boat. Right? If it doesn't float you could still enter it in a milk carton boat race. It seems like most every town with a lake in Minnesota sponsors a milk carton boat race during their cutesy little annual summer festival.
Finally you should learn to love hot dish (or as some refer to it, casserole). Church festivals and neighborhood gatherings will require you to bring a dish to pass and hot dish is viewed as an alternate form of currency in Minnesota. Tater Tot hot dish is always a classic but if you're in desperate need of a recipe, ask your neighbor. Chances are that any millde-aged Minnesotan has a shoebox full of hot dish recipes lying around that they'd be more than eager to share and recommend their favorite to you.
With the basics down, you're one step closer to fitting in. Just don't piss us off because while we'll just brush it off, after you leave we'll bad talk you until the day you die because Minnesota nice is just a myth.
Tuesday, September 07, 2010
Four things to never talk about at work
We've all been part of that uncomfortable conversation at the office where someone is sharing waaaay too much about themselves. Maybe you've unknowingly been the one to overshare or maybe you've overheard one too many phone conversations mentioning things that, in your better judgment, would be taken care of in a more private setting.
1. Pregnancy.
Whether it's been your multi-year battle to create an offspring or the fact that you're going in next Thursday at 2 PM for your first ultrasound doesn't really matter much to my cold and uncaring soul. Hey, I've got nothing against kids as is evidenced by the fact that I have one of my own but that doesn't mean that I want to know each and every miniscule detail about your ovaries.
2. Hemorrhoids.
Let me first start off by saying that I can sympathize with the pain of hemorrhoids. I went as far as to blog about said hemorrhoids during my old lady's pregnancy. I called them sympathy hemorrhoids. I shared that story with the internet but not with my co-workers. Why? Because nobody needs to hear that damn story and that should be a reminder to anyone thinking about discussing their ass pain while at work.
3. Bankruptcy.
It's a bitch but these days someone having financial difficulties is more common than a huge sale at Kohl's. Nobody can help you and while your co-workers will sympathize with you or at least feign sympathy they'll go home and tell anyone who is listening just how financially irresponsible this particular co-worker is. So while it's always nice to have someone to share your financial shortfalls with, find a friend instead of a co-worker because offices have enough drama.
4. Divorce.
Divorce is common but it doesn't mean that it's as cool to talk about around the water cooler as the latest episode of "Who's The Boss?". Half of the people you know probably are divorced or will be divorced at some point and plenty of them are messy as hell but it isn't the kind of crap you should bring to work. Again, find a friend or a family member. Hell, find a stranger at a bar who'll listen to how much of an asshole your husband is/was. At least that discussion won't be taking place two cubicles down from you or me.
Now that we're done here, check out the photos form across Minnesota at MinnPics because now that summer's over what else is left to do?
1. Pregnancy.
Whether it's been your multi-year battle to create an offspring or the fact that you're going in next Thursday at 2 PM for your first ultrasound doesn't really matter much to my cold and uncaring soul. Hey, I've got nothing against kids as is evidenced by the fact that I have one of my own but that doesn't mean that I want to know each and every miniscule detail about your ovaries.
2. Hemorrhoids.
Let me first start off by saying that I can sympathize with the pain of hemorrhoids. I went as far as to blog about said hemorrhoids during my old lady's pregnancy. I called them sympathy hemorrhoids. I shared that story with the internet but not with my co-workers. Why? Because nobody needs to hear that damn story and that should be a reminder to anyone thinking about discussing their ass pain while at work.
3. Bankruptcy.
It's a bitch but these days someone having financial difficulties is more common than a huge sale at Kohl's. Nobody can help you and while your co-workers will sympathize with you or at least feign sympathy they'll go home and tell anyone who is listening just how financially irresponsible this particular co-worker is. So while it's always nice to have someone to share your financial shortfalls with, find a friend instead of a co-worker because offices have enough drama.
4. Divorce.
Divorce is common but it doesn't mean that it's as cool to talk about around the water cooler as the latest episode of "Who's The Boss?". Half of the people you know probably are divorced or will be divorced at some point and plenty of them are messy as hell but it isn't the kind of crap you should bring to work. Again, find a friend or a family member. Hell, find a stranger at a bar who'll listen to how much of an asshole your husband is/was. At least that discussion won't be taking place two cubicles down from you or me.
Now that we're done here, check out the photos form across Minnesota at MinnPics because now that summer's over what else is left to do?
Friday, July 17, 2009
Distracted driving: dangerous or not?
There is an epidemic in this country. People do alot of stupid crap while driving. This list is dangerous things to eat while driving.
Coffee
Hot soup
Tacos
Chili dogs
Hamburgers
Ribs and wings
Fried chicken
Jelly donuts
Soda
Chocolate
Out of that list, I've taken part in consuming tacos, hamburgers, fried chicken, jelly donuts, soda and chocolate while driving. I'm preplexed about why anyone would ever eat ribs and wings while driving. Coffee is fairly common but chili dogs are straight up messy and pose the risk of spilling the chili or dog in your lap. And eating some hot soup could be tragic if it was in a bowl but less tragic if it were in a cup.
Outside of eating/drinking while driving, there are other activities that I've done while driving that I probably shouldn't have done that could have caused some serious bodily harm to myself or others.
Changing my shirt on the freeway
Taking off jeans and putting on shorts
Changing my shoes
Endorsing checks
Getting to know a lady better (draw your own conclusion)
Undressing a passenger
Munching down some Arby's chicken fingers complete with BBQ sauce
Cleaning the inside of my windshield
Tucking in my shirt
I'm sure there are others but I'm curious what you worst moments were while driving. Have you ever started knitting a sweater or trimmed up your private bits?
MinnPics is a great habit. Althought I wouldn't check it out on your iPhone while driving.
Coffee
Hot soup
Tacos
Chili dogs
Hamburgers
Ribs and wings
Fried chicken
Jelly donuts
Soda
Chocolate
Out of that list, I've taken part in consuming tacos, hamburgers, fried chicken, jelly donuts, soda and chocolate while driving. I'm preplexed about why anyone would ever eat ribs and wings while driving. Coffee is fairly common but chili dogs are straight up messy and pose the risk of spilling the chili or dog in your lap. And eating some hot soup could be tragic if it was in a bowl but less tragic if it were in a cup.
Outside of eating/drinking while driving, there are other activities that I've done while driving that I probably shouldn't have done that could have caused some serious bodily harm to myself or others.
Changing my shirt on the freeway
Taking off jeans and putting on shorts
Changing my shoes
Endorsing checks
Getting to know a lady better (draw your own conclusion)
Undressing a passenger
Munching down some Arby's chicken fingers complete with BBQ sauce
Cleaning the inside of my windshield
Tucking in my shirt
I'm sure there are others but I'm curious what you worst moments were while driving. Have you ever started knitting a sweater or trimmed up your private bits?
MinnPics is a great habit. Althought I wouldn't check it out on your iPhone while driving.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Phrases to live by
It's probably not odd but for me, most of my best ideas are hatched in the bathroom or after midnight. Here are a few - try to figure out their birth place.
If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.
If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
You look like a horse.
To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.
The customer is always right except when they're wrong.
The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.
If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.
Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.
Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!
If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.
If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
You look like a horse.
To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.
The customer is always right except when they're wrong.
The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.
If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.
Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.
Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!
Friday, June 05, 2009
Things my imaginary intern can do for me
If only I had an intern. I would treat him or her exactly how I am treated. The following exchange features my simple request first with my reactions following.
Get my coffee.
Too much sugar. Not enough sugar. I HATE creamer. I hate COFFEE. Then I throw the hot coffee at the intern.
Pick up my dry cleaning.
I left TWO suits there. This one isn't mine. I don't even OWN a dress! I was screwing with you, I don't OWN a suit. Intern, you're a THIEF! Then I'd light the dress on fire and throw it at the intern.
Go get my lunch.
Mayo. You incompetent idiot! I am ALLERGIC to mayo. Are you trying to KILL ME?!? Then I'd throw the sandwich, open-face, at the intern.
Wash my car.
You SCRATCHED it. And I said NO hot wax. And only PINE TREE air fresheners. I roll old school. Ahhhhhhhh! Then I'd back my car over the intern.
Tell me how great I am.
More over the top. Are you STUPID? Make it believable. NEVER mention my shoes!!! Then I'd smile at the intern, I DO have a soul after all. But this would only make the intern run away, possibly while crying.
All this, and more I didn't mention, stemming from a mere 10-second conversation about business cards for an intern and how pointless such a move would be. And in case you didn't notice, I would treat my imaginary intern like crap - a lot like being in the real working world.
MinnPics is always new and has something kick-ass planned for the first full week of July for the first birthday.
Get my coffee.
Too much sugar. Not enough sugar. I HATE creamer. I hate COFFEE. Then I throw the hot coffee at the intern.
Pick up my dry cleaning.
I left TWO suits there. This one isn't mine. I don't even OWN a dress! I was screwing with you, I don't OWN a suit. Intern, you're a THIEF! Then I'd light the dress on fire and throw it at the intern.
Go get my lunch.
Mayo. You incompetent idiot! I am ALLERGIC to mayo. Are you trying to KILL ME?!? Then I'd throw the sandwich, open-face, at the intern.
Wash my car.
You SCRATCHED it. And I said NO hot wax. And only PINE TREE air fresheners. I roll old school. Ahhhhhhhh! Then I'd back my car over the intern.
Tell me how great I am.
More over the top. Are you STUPID? Make it believable. NEVER mention my shoes!!! Then I'd smile at the intern, I DO have a soul after all. But this would only make the intern run away, possibly while crying.
All this, and more I didn't mention, stemming from a mere 10-second conversation about business cards for an intern and how pointless such a move would be. And in case you didn't notice, I would treat my imaginary intern like crap - a lot like being in the real working world.
MinnPics is always new and has something kick-ass planned for the first full week of July for the first birthday.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Things you can't walk off
Walk it off. We've all heard this overly cliched phrase before and it usually relates to someone pissing and/or moaning about an injury that is minimal at best with "walk it off" being the ultimate solution to this person's bellyaching. However, there are some things you just can't get over by walking.
What are these things, though?
A severed leg.
That has to be the one non-life-ending injury that some cold, heartless bastard would mock and ridicule you for, yelling at you to "walk it off, bitch!" The nature of the injury, though, defies one to walk it off.
A steel-toed boot to the testicles.
As always, a swift kick to the nuts usually renders the kicked useless. Doubled over in pain, feeling like the testicles have been relocated to one's stomach, walking isn't usually an option.
A papercut to the tongue.
I found this out the other night as I paid the mortgage. First off, envelope glue tastes terrible. Secondly, I'd rather have a festering splinter in my finger than a papercut on my tongue. It really makes enjoying anything remotely tasty pure agony.
The long-suffering, middle child of mine needs your attention. MinnPics wants you to visit it and look at its gallery of hand-picked photos from across Minnesota as captured by Minnesota's best Flickrites.
What are these things, though?
A severed leg.
That has to be the one non-life-ending injury that some cold, heartless bastard would mock and ridicule you for, yelling at you to "walk it off, bitch!" The nature of the injury, though, defies one to walk it off.
A steel-toed boot to the testicles.
As always, a swift kick to the nuts usually renders the kicked useless. Doubled over in pain, feeling like the testicles have been relocated to one's stomach, walking isn't usually an option.
A papercut to the tongue.
I found this out the other night as I paid the mortgage. First off, envelope glue tastes terrible. Secondly, I'd rather have a festering splinter in my finger than a papercut on my tongue. It really makes enjoying anything remotely tasty pure agony.
The long-suffering, middle child of mine needs your attention. MinnPics wants you to visit it and look at its gallery of hand-picked photos from across Minnesota as captured by Minnesota's best Flickrites.
Friday, December 19, 2008
My Christmas list
Every year I grab a scrap of paper and jot down things, as they pop into my head, that would be of great use to me in the upcoming year. I call it my Christmas wish list and I usually divide it up between my parents and my old lady. This year was easier as I gave the whole shebang to my parents but that's a story for another day.
This year, though, I went ahead and still wrote up two Christmas lists. One for my parents and one for you, my readers.
Burger King Cologne
Damn right. I've always wanted to walk around all day smelling like a Double Whopper and a large order of french fries. Now I can, but only if you come through for me. I'd imagine that you could order it alongside a #1 Whopper Meal (which, coincidentally, will make you have to take a huge #2 later). Hell, it probably comes in a waxed paper container like their drinks do. Well, whatcha waiting for? See the Flash site. Buy the cologne. Hell yeah, the King is gonna get folks laid this Chirstmas!
Chanel Beef Jerky Purse
No, I havent' taken to cross dressing but who says that a guy can't carry a purse? I have alot of crap I carry around so why not a bag to carry all that crap in? Oh, and did I mention that if I get hungry I can eat the fucker? So many things we use have at least two purposes so why should a purse be excluded? Imagine the hungry homeless people following you as you tote your stuff around town in your beef jerky purse... yummy.
Gothic Kittens
They're dark. They're pierced. They're edgy. They're probably the subject of a humane society investigation but Gothic Kittens just sound intriguing. I'm not condoning the piercing of your kitty (well maybe... if you catch my drift) but goth definitely isn't out of style yet. Hell, I'm wearing a black sweater today so why not a pierced kitty? It's all about accessorizing.
Or you could skip getting me crappy gifts and head over to MinnPics and show some love to the great photos and their photographers.
This year, though, I went ahead and still wrote up two Christmas lists. One for my parents and one for you, my readers.
Burger King Cologne
Damn right. I've always wanted to walk around all day smelling like a Double Whopper and a large order of french fries. Now I can, but only if you come through for me. I'd imagine that you could order it alongside a #1 Whopper Meal (which, coincidentally, will make you have to take a huge #2 later). Hell, it probably comes in a waxed paper container like their drinks do. Well, whatcha waiting for? See the Flash site. Buy the cologne. Hell yeah, the King is gonna get folks laid this Chirstmas!
Chanel Beef Jerky Purse
No, I havent' taken to cross dressing but who says that a guy can't carry a purse? I have alot of crap I carry around so why not a bag to carry all that crap in? Oh, and did I mention that if I get hungry I can eat the fucker? So many things we use have at least two purposes so why should a purse be excluded? Imagine the hungry homeless people following you as you tote your stuff around town in your beef jerky purse... yummy.
Gothic Kittens
They're dark. They're pierced. They're edgy. They're probably the subject of a humane society investigation but Gothic Kittens just sound intriguing. I'm not condoning the piercing of your kitty (well maybe... if you catch my drift) but goth definitely isn't out of style yet. Hell, I'm wearing a black sweater today so why not a pierced kitty? It's all about accessorizing.
Or you could skip getting me crappy gifts and head over to MinnPics and show some love to the great photos and their photographers.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Lessons I have learned
Tonight as I cross the one week mark of fatherhood, I have lessons which I have learned that I shall share with my 23 million readers.
Green poop smells worse than the brown poop.
Green poop does leave stains.
Even a wood floor is cold at 3:25 AM.
A 6-day old will sleep in a bouncy seat at night so dad and mom can get a few shreds of shut eye.
In seeking new forms of caffeine, I've even considered drinking my wife's seemingly endless supply of dark roast coffee.
Shopping for groceries on five hours of sleep isn't fun — even if the store is Super Target.
Will there be more lessons? I am sure there will be. Do you, yeah you — the one reading this, have any valuable lessons to share?
MinnPics is nothing short of a lesson in great photography from around the state of Minnesota and with about a ten day backlog, there will be plenty of great photos there in the next month to calm your stressed out Christmas shopping nerves.
Green poop smells worse than the brown poop.
Green poop does leave stains.
Even a wood floor is cold at 3:25 AM.
A 6-day old will sleep in a bouncy seat at night so dad and mom can get a few shreds of shut eye.
In seeking new forms of caffeine, I've even considered drinking my wife's seemingly endless supply of dark roast coffee.
Shopping for groceries on five hours of sleep isn't fun — even if the store is Super Target.
Will there be more lessons? I am sure there will be. Do you, yeah you — the one reading this, have any valuable lessons to share?
MinnPics is nothing short of a lesson in great photography from around the state of Minnesota and with about a ten day backlog, there will be plenty of great photos there in the next month to calm your stressed out Christmas shopping nerves.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Just what is 'The List'?
The often referred to 'List' is, like all too many things, entirely in my own head. As I walk through life, I mentally catalog the experiences that get under my skin and I refuse to let go of. 'The List' is essentially my own petty grievances against businesses, organizations and people who have simply pissed me off to a severe enough degree that I will carry this particular grudge to my grave.
IHOP -
The new IHOP in Burnsville seemed a fitting place to dine one evening a month or four after it opened on County Road 42. The service, though, after an hour of not receiving our food and my then-girlfriend being told that she could not have fruit on her waffles due to the fact that "we don't have fruit" as she gazed longingly at a picture of, you guessed it, waffles drowning in strawberries, left something to be desired. I wrote them a letter about the experience and received no response and only a pathetic five-dollar discount on our shitty dining experience.
Arby's at Shakopee Southbridge -
It had been open for only a month when we stopped here on a Sunday afternoon. We waited in a line in the 'lobby' behind half a dozen customers for about ten minutes as the recently-hired manager struggled with only two employees who had obviously huffed six or seven cans of Krylon paint fumes from a Hefty garbage bag. After a school bus full of softball players arrived, we left angry and hungry only to drive four miles west to eat at the more established Arby's because sometimes you just want something so badly you have to have it.
Unmarried Redneck Neighbor -
He lives behind us, refuses to spray the bumper crop of dandelions or mow his shitty looking lawn which does nothing but pollute my semi-pristine lawn and lower property values for the entire neighborhood by way of his brown tarp covering the outdoor kennels which make him look even dumber than previously assumed. Factor in his four mutant-sized dogs who shit in my garden, dig in my lawn and destroy plants in the garden and flower beds and this mullet-sporting jackass is a prime candidate for 'The List'.
Wal-Mart
Not only have they single-handedly ruined America, they hire illegal aliens who can barely speak their native language and will never learn any shred of English, they bag items at the rate of three pieces per bag. That has been explained because 'the majority of the customers are weak'. They routinely shutter an older store only to move a few blocks away to a larger and new store where they once again received tax breaks to build this new store and hire more minimum wage jobs who end up leaching from the rest of us on public health care programs while I pay out the ass for health care because I supposedly make enough money to afford health care. Not to mention that in the new store which was recently expanded to a 'Super Center' that there are some 30-plus checkouts as well as eight self-checkouts. On numerous occassions, the self-checkouts along with two staffed checkouts are the only ones open during a busy Saturday afternoon. I refuse to let this place save a buck by scanning my own crap, I don't play that way.
Drama
No, not the type on television, I am speaking of unnecessary, hyped-up drama which seems to follow certain people everywhere they walk. Each and every time they open their mouth, drama ensues. They make even the most menial tasks and happenings into dramatic, events of epic proportions to the degree where each event could be a three-act play held on the grandest of stages.
No-Talent Hacks
You know the type. They think because they added a dot marking something to a project which you spent the better part of a day on that this is now their own masterpiece and claim credit for it. This is the type of person that has gotten where they are because they are dirty thiefs and excellent at manipulating their superiors, making them believe that the work being done is entirely their own and that said work is better than anything else. These are the people who deserve to have their heads kicked firmly against the curb in front of an adandoned apartment building.
Cub Foods
At one time this regional grocery store chain was a legitimate money-saving warehouse-type concept. Since that long ago time it has devolved into just another store. Sure, sometimes their advertised specials do add up to actual savings but shopping at Super Target or Rainbow Foods yeilds the same prices, if not lower -- not to mention the fact that the overall experience of the less cluttered environment at Rainbow and Target is heads and tails above that of any Cub Foods store I have ever entered. The mouth breathers that clog the aisles at the typical Cub Foods seem to be plants from a higher power sent to those very spots to test my patience; forcing me to grit my teeth as I restrain myself from literally strangling every last breath from their pathetic and useless bodies. Not that I actually would do that but the thought alone satisfies me.
Fundraising Phone Calls
Hey, just because I generously opened my barren wallet one time doesn't mean that I intend to do it again. Everyone, from churches to political parties to fire departments to girl scouts seem to be begging for cash from me. Well, I have a newsflash folks, I wholeheartedly oppose funding the political dreams of some boring white guy millionaire in a suit as he criss-crosses America making empty promises on his way to gaining an elected position where he can do the work of billionaire companies by giving them tax breaks and passing laws that favor them so Joe Stuffed Suit can line the pockets on his Dockers with crisp twenties.
Racists
The most recent addition to my list. Added mere days ago during a conversation I was dragged in to with a couple of my brother-in-laws that proved that some people would rather hold on to their racist upbringings than think that things can actually change. One of them was particularly stubborn and seemed to whole-heartedly believe that someone will assassinate the president-elect within six months. He went on to joke about a "coon hunt" being needed because there is one in the White House now. All of this, of course, coming from a guy who not only didn't vote but probably couldn't find the polling place. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it was his attempt at a joke but usually jokes have a humorous tone to them, his mullet-sporting self didn't seem too humorous.
For photographic enlightenment that is certified list-free, check out MinnPics. It's updated daily and it's photolicious because Minnesota rocks... especially when viewed through a lens.
IHOP -
The new IHOP in Burnsville seemed a fitting place to dine one evening a month or four after it opened on County Road 42. The service, though, after an hour of not receiving our food and my then-girlfriend being told that she could not have fruit on her waffles due to the fact that "we don't have fruit" as she gazed longingly at a picture of, you guessed it, waffles drowning in strawberries, left something to be desired. I wrote them a letter about the experience and received no response and only a pathetic five-dollar discount on our shitty dining experience.
Arby's at Shakopee Southbridge -
It had been open for only a month when we stopped here on a Sunday afternoon. We waited in a line in the 'lobby' behind half a dozen customers for about ten minutes as the recently-hired manager struggled with only two employees who had obviously huffed six or seven cans of Krylon paint fumes from a Hefty garbage bag. After a school bus full of softball players arrived, we left angry and hungry only to drive four miles west to eat at the more established Arby's because sometimes you just want something so badly you have to have it.
Unmarried Redneck Neighbor -
He lives behind us, refuses to spray the bumper crop of dandelions or mow his shitty looking lawn which does nothing but pollute my semi-pristine lawn and lower property values for the entire neighborhood by way of his brown tarp covering the outdoor kennels which make him look even dumber than previously assumed. Factor in his four mutant-sized dogs who shit in my garden, dig in my lawn and destroy plants in the garden and flower beds and this mullet-sporting jackass is a prime candidate for 'The List'.
Wal-Mart
Not only have they single-handedly ruined America, they hire illegal aliens who can barely speak their native language and will never learn any shred of English, they bag items at the rate of three pieces per bag. That has been explained because 'the majority of the customers are weak'. They routinely shutter an older store only to move a few blocks away to a larger and new store where they once again received tax breaks to build this new store and hire more minimum wage jobs who end up leaching from the rest of us on public health care programs while I pay out the ass for health care because I supposedly make enough money to afford health care. Not to mention that in the new store which was recently expanded to a 'Super Center' that there are some 30-plus checkouts as well as eight self-checkouts. On numerous occassions, the self-checkouts along with two staffed checkouts are the only ones open during a busy Saturday afternoon. I refuse to let this place save a buck by scanning my own crap, I don't play that way.
Drama
No, not the type on television, I am speaking of unnecessary, hyped-up drama which seems to follow certain people everywhere they walk. Each and every time they open their mouth, drama ensues. They make even the most menial tasks and happenings into dramatic, events of epic proportions to the degree where each event could be a three-act play held on the grandest of stages.
No-Talent Hacks
You know the type. They think because they added a dot marking something to a project which you spent the better part of a day on that this is now their own masterpiece and claim credit for it. This is the type of person that has gotten where they are because they are dirty thiefs and excellent at manipulating their superiors, making them believe that the work being done is entirely their own and that said work is better than anything else. These are the people who deserve to have their heads kicked firmly against the curb in front of an adandoned apartment building.
Cub Foods
At one time this regional grocery store chain was a legitimate money-saving warehouse-type concept. Since that long ago time it has devolved into just another store. Sure, sometimes their advertised specials do add up to actual savings but shopping at Super Target or Rainbow Foods yeilds the same prices, if not lower -- not to mention the fact that the overall experience of the less cluttered environment at Rainbow and Target is heads and tails above that of any Cub Foods store I have ever entered. The mouth breathers that clog the aisles at the typical Cub Foods seem to be plants from a higher power sent to those very spots to test my patience; forcing me to grit my teeth as I restrain myself from literally strangling every last breath from their pathetic and useless bodies. Not that I actually would do that but the thought alone satisfies me.
Fundraising Phone Calls
Hey, just because I generously opened my barren wallet one time doesn't mean that I intend to do it again. Everyone, from churches to political parties to fire departments to girl scouts seem to be begging for cash from me. Well, I have a newsflash folks, I wholeheartedly oppose funding the political dreams of some boring white guy millionaire in a suit as he criss-crosses America making empty promises on his way to gaining an elected position where he can do the work of billionaire companies by giving them tax breaks and passing laws that favor them so Joe Stuffed Suit can line the pockets on his Dockers with crisp twenties.
Racists
The most recent addition to my list. Added mere days ago during a conversation I was dragged in to with a couple of my brother-in-laws that proved that some people would rather hold on to their racist upbringings than think that things can actually change. One of them was particularly stubborn and seemed to whole-heartedly believe that someone will assassinate the president-elect within six months. He went on to joke about a "coon hunt" being needed because there is one in the White House now. All of this, of course, coming from a guy who not only didn't vote but probably couldn't find the polling place. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe it was his attempt at a joke but usually jokes have a humorous tone to them, his mullet-sporting self didn't seem too humorous.
For photographic enlightenment that is certified list-free, check out MinnPics. It's updated daily and it's photolicious because Minnesota rocks... especially when viewed through a lens.
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