My Twins comeback cover or suck it Yankees

Bob Collins of Minnesota Public Radio's famed News Cut is in search of a good comeback to the less than witty New York Daily News cover stating that due to their washed up, overpaid New York Yankees playing the Minnesota Twins they have an E-Z PASS. As Minnesotans we should probably let it slide because we know that the majority of New Yorkers are nothing short of assholes. They are rude, unpleasant, bitter and even unwashed humans who may or may not hate America. Oh, sure, the Yankees have been called, time and again, America's team but even with them consistently trying to buy a World Series-caliber team they have come up short year after year winning only two championships in the past decade.

But despite a World Series record of a miserable .200 in the past decade they call playing the Minnesota Twins having an E-Z PASS. Who has the better record? Twins. Who has home field advantage for this series? Twins. Who has a better stadium? Twins.

But rather than just spit out some witty comeback, I spent some time creating a visual approach to a comeback. Wishful thinking? Maybe.

Weiner facts

If you're here for facts about male genitalia or the "penis" as it is more commonly referred to then you're totally out of luck. However, if you're here looking for the low down on weiners (or frankfurters or hot dogs) then you're in luck.

A long time ago, a friend of mine informed me that hot dogs, or weiners, were made from lips and assholes of various farm animals including pigs, cows, turkeys, chickens, rats, geese, pigeons and guinea hens. While at least some of that is true, I chose to do some investigative work to determine the real truth because people deserve to know.

Hot dogs, or weiners, were originally invented as a form of smoked meat product by Polish immigrants who settled in the New York City and Chicago areas of the U.S.A. It made sense to get the most use possible out of their relatively expensive cuts of meat. It was sort of a waste not, want not way of thinking. So, in to the grinder went the various trimmings cut from both cows and pigs. From there, the somewhat coarsely ground meat was forced in to natural (intestinal) casings and smoked to cure the meat and add flavor and sometimes provide a product needing no refrigeration.

Today, though, the mass-produced weiners we see lining our grocery store shelves are vastly different. The weiners most people place in their mouths and hungrily suck down are closer to containing lips and assholes than we'd want to think. Ponder that for a minute - everytime you're rolling that juicy weiner around in your mouth you're actually eating an asshole. Or a beak or a snout or an ear but it's much more startling to envision one eating an asshole because no matter how much that asshole is cleaned, it was still the exit for a lot of shit.

But not all weiners are created equally. Some are short but others, particularly bun length and foot long varieties, are obviously larger. But length isn't everything. Some weiners are simply larger in diameter. Those that come to mind immediately are Hebrew National and some Schweigert weiners - especially the varieties served at the new Target Field in Minneapolis. Still others plump when ready to be stuffed in to a hungry mouth. Ball Park weiners are the most notorious "plumping" brand of weiners. I don't know nor do I claim to know what makes them plump when cooked but I'll venture a guess that we wouldn't want to know either because sometimes the answer is far worse than we could ever imagine.

With that, I will conclude today's briefing of weiner facts. Don't forget, too, to visit MinnPics and see the best photos Minnesota has to offer.

The best bad idea ever

Have you ever wondered how many Dome Dogs you could eat if you didn't have to pay for each processed frankfurter? How about drinking a few gallons of soda if it was included in the price of the ticket to watch a baseball game? A few pounds of nachos sound appetizing?

If you like food and baseball (food more than baseball, likely) you may be in luck with what I am coining as the Gluttony Game at the Dome. For those unaware of it, the Minnesota Twins baseball team plays in a large, utilitarian domed stadium in downtown Minneapolis. Handy as hell when it's snowing outside on April 10th but sterile and unappealing on a glorious June evening.

In an effort to drum up ticket sales, some brainwizard cooked up this fabulous idea of all-you-can-eat night at the Dome. Unfortunately it doesn't include beer but I've seen the appetites of some baseball fans and when the food is free they eat it whether they are hungry or not.

When we first heard about the stuff-your-face-day at the Dome, the only question was when is the game?

Well, the answer is May 19 & 20 but it appears brats are excluded as well so piss off Twins, it's brats or nothing.