An epic tale about curtains

Once upon a time, I fell victim to the greatest of all duties. In some circles (mainly mine) it is referred to as "The Husband Errand".

It started simply enough. It was like any other wintry Sunday afternoon except that we were in Mankato for some sort of family business. We had recently purchased our house and were in the process of putting some pearls on the pig. Highest on the list were some real bedroom curtains which would keep the rising sun at bay and let this crotchety old bastard sleep in past TooDamnEarly:30.

We struck gold at Mankato's Target store. (You know, the one attached to River Hills Mall). On clearance was a package of thick, luxurious, light-blocking burgundy panels for the affordable sum of about 10 bucks. This seemed like the perfect decision and we promptly bought the package knowing that surely the Target store a couple miles from my office in the 'burbs would have piles of these curtains in stock and on clearance too. My schedule for Monday afternoon now included a quick stop at Target to adorn the other two bedroom windows and we'd be set.

Only it didn't end that easily.

I began my epic journey that cold Monday afternoon in January by stopping at my preferred Target and perusing the area known for having curtains and scoured the clearance areas only to strike out. "Fine," I said, "I'll just make a quick run over Savage way and be done with this."

A few minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of the Savage Super Target and hopped a tram to the back of the store knowing that this would be the end and I could make my way home. Ten minutes later, I walked out the door of that Target and to my car. I left empty handed and only mildly angry. My next destination was the Super Target in Chaska.

After slowly crawling through snarled traffic in the small downtown area of Chaska, I continued northward to the Target store where I knew these curtains were waiting for me in the clearance area of the home interiors department. With darkness approaching (it was, after all, almost 5 PM), I pulled in to the parking lot and sprinted to the store. Nobody was going to beat me to the punch for this husband errand. I would be leaving in five minutes with a bag full of curtains and be on my way home to a delicious beef roast.

The only problem with my hope-filled thoughts is that I wouldn't be going home to that beef roast. Instead I would go on to strike out yet again at both the Chanhassen and Eden Prairie Target stores and be on my way to the Edina Target location where I was told that, based on the receipt from the Mankato store, there were in fact THREE packages of these luxurious curtains just waiting for me.

After sitting on Interstate 494 for just long enough to make me even angrier and seeing the clock approach 6:30 PM, my destination was in sight. The depressing Edina Target location was a sight for my weary eyes and my hungry stomach. I found the clearance area in the husband errand department and rummaged through what seemed like hundreds of packages of curtains. The fucking motherlode, I thought. The only problem was that not one single package contained anything remotely close to burgundy. I checked one more time with the customer service counter at the hoity-toity Target locale and was told that two packages remained at the Bloomington store.

Down France Ave., back on Interstate 494 to yet another bullseye which I knew would only disappoint me. Only I knew that Target would not best me on this frigid Monday evening. It was after 7 PM and this husband errand would not end without the prize in hand.

At a full sprint, I rand through the parking lot. I was hopeful but angry, disappointed but optimistic and doubtful all at the same time. I was conflicted about the logic behind this errand. I had already spent three hours navigating the south metro of the Twin Cities for 20 bucks worth of curtains. Was this what had become of my once exciting life?

Who cares? I was a man on a mission. A mission so we'd be able to sleep past Stupid O'Clock in the AM. I navigated my way through the hopeless void known as Target of Bloomington. Skeptical in my outlook, I dug through the end caps looking for the two packages of curtains that had been promosed to me by nearly every Target store in the south metro. My shoulders slumped as I eliminated more and more shelves. Defeat was setting in.

Then it happened. Shoved completely to the back of the bottom shelf, I found two packages of the curtains which had set me on this seemingly pointless trek. Quickly, I retreated to the checkouts, grabbed a 20 oz. bottle of Coke and left the store to make my way home to some luke warm beef roast whose time had come two hours earlier.

Don't get me wrong, those curtains are great but after all that hassle, they are staying on those windows for the next 50 years. I have towonder if I'm alone in participating in insanity like this or am I a complete sucker?