Christmas comes AFTER Thanksgiving

It's apparently Christmas. I found this out yesterday as I sprinted through the local Target store for a bag of cat food. I realized it was Christmas yesterday, November 2nd, because Christmas had relentlessly vomited across from the general area of the pet supplies. Christmas had vomited so much, in fact, that it was running in to the area where the Halloween candy and remaining costumes had been relegated to. I knew it was coming because after the back-to-school supplies disappeared in the second week of September a back-wall aisle popped up entirely full of Christmas goods.

Yes, Christmas had in fact been lurking inside the walls of Target since early September and I hate that.

It's not that I hate Christmas. Entirely the opposite, in fact. I love Christmas. My house is that house during the month of December. I deck it out classily in white Christmas lights and a Santa's Village scene because it makes kids smile and I don't mind freezing my ass off dragging all of that stuff out from the basement each year. I just don't display all of my Santa-riffic goodnes suntil an appropriate time. The day after Thanksgiving. In case retailers and shoppers everywhere have forgotten, Thanksgiving celebrates the day that the pilgrims and Native Americans sat down and shared a bountiful meal in celebration of the year's harvest. We celebrate it on the final Thursday of November. Then the next day we feverishly plow full-on in to Christmas mere hours later but at least Thanksgiving gets its moment in the spotlight.

Well, at least it used to. I can understand and even tolerate retailers having Christmas displays up shortly after Halloween. It's big business and those advertising dollars that retailers spend keep my bills paid. But if we can find time to recognize such stupid crap as Administrative Professionals Day then Thanksgiving deserves its own space and time without being whored up by the commercialism that is Christmas.

That means no Christmas music - no matter what - before Thanksgiving dinner is over.
Don't turn your Christmas lights on until the day after Thanksgiving.
Decorate the inside of your house whenever you damn well please but be aware that others will ridicule you for having garland and tinsel adorning your home on November 10th.
Keep indoor Christmas decor away from windows visible from outdoors until after Thanksgiving.
Turn off outdoor and dismantle indoor Christmas displays by January 2nd. A grace period of three days is available if you partied like it was 1999 on New Year's Eve.

All I'm saying is that holidays don't overlap. Keep them separate and if KOOL 108 or Lite FM start spinning Christmas music this year before Thanksgiving is over I am going to drive to their respective studios (closets with a computer inside) and smash that Christmas computer into tiny bits fit for decorating the station's Christmas tree.

I also promise to keep MinnPics seasonally appropriate. The photos of Minnesota will always be pleasant and compelling and rarely induce anger.

The tale of the $1.56 jeans

We all know that times are tough. It's especially evident when in the course of one day I lose the match portion of my 401(k) and Chrysler plans to file for bankruptcy. But even during tough economic times, it's still not socially acceptable to stroll about without pants.

That is why, as I rushed through Target yesterday to get a package of diapers which will soon be full of pee and poop, I stopped to scope out what sort of trendy threads were on clearance in the store's men's department.

It's a little know fact that I can never have enough denim. I wear jeans at least five days a week. It's a perk of my job that I haven't yet had to sell my soul and sport dress pants and I like at least that part. Comfortable and stylish jeans are hard to come by. Levi's, in general, suck in both departments. Even though they are manufactured in China, they are still tops in quality. The best part about Target is that they sell a made-just-for-them label of Levi's that are actually more stylish than standard off-the-rack Levi's at JC Penney or Kohl's stores.

I rummaged through a small pile of denim which was a mix of Mossimo, Merona and Levi's jeans and grabbed three pairs - one of each brand - all in my size.

The first one, Merona, were too loose.

The second pair, Mossimo, were too tight.

The third pair, Levi's, were just right.

(and if you're wondering my size, it's 33/34x34 - no, I'm not square)

I don't have to elaborate any more on this painfully boring story to tell you that the Levi's were 75% off the 75% off price bringing them down to the price of a 20 oz. bottle of soda - $1.56. When the hell was the last time you paid under two bucks for an actual brand name item of clothing?

Why go to a museum when you can see photos of the same quality at MinnPics? Go. Now. Or a kitten will die.

Consumer Corner tip: Target

If you like food (and let's face it, we all need food) and like something that at least appears healthy, check out the deal I found at Target.

Select varieties of Quaker granola bars (chewy, etc.) are on sale for a mere $2.00 per 10 pk. box. If you buy five boxes (and ten bucks for fifty healthy snacks is a relative bargain these days) you get a $5.00 Target gift card at the register for future use.

Thanks to that bargain, I now have 50 tasty Quaker chewy granola bars in my cupboard that I may or may not share with my old lady. And I essentially paid a dime a piece. Not a bad deal. Thanks Target for having sale prices that nearly beat your house brands (the Market Pantry granola bars were $1.84/box).

The deal runs through Saturday, March 21st.

Why Black Friday sucks

It doesn't suck because I had to work. It sucks because I loathe everything that the day after Thanksgiving stands for.

Think about it for a moment. People line up in the bone-chilling cold with little to no sleep as they seek out bargains on items that they could very likely do without. Do you really need that $12 set of pans? Sure, it's cool to have that 55" LCD HDTV hanging on the wall in your living room but this year you may instead want to focus on your mortgage payment so you actually have a wall you can drill a hole in.

My other problem with Black Friday isn't so much about the wild, uncontrollable spending as it is about the people who choose to shop that day. As I found out, it seems that the true professional shoppers who have a goal in mind hit the stores before the sun is even seen. The rookies or looky-loos as my mom would call them seem to occupy the hours from noon onward. Unfortunately for me, it was after 4 PM when I arrived at Target in search of the much-advertised $299 LCD HDTV which would have been the replacement for our beleagured upstairs hoopty.

Sure, I struck out not just at the Shakopee Target but also the Savage location but it didn't bother me so much that this phenomenal deal was sold out. What did bother me was that people seemed intent on browsing on Black Friday. That's like going to a Minnesota Timberwolves game because you love professional basketball. Chances are that you'll piss people off on Black Friday with your casual, slow-paced, feet-shuffling window shopping and your choice of a Timberwolves game for some pro hoops action will leave you sorely disappointed.

Hey, everyone has the choice of when and where to shop but much like driving 40 miles per hour on the freeway, keep to the right.

What were you thankful for during this Thanksgiving weekend? If it was great photos from Minnesota's best photographers, check out MinnPics!

Target makes you have babies

It all started on the way to Target in Shakopee. We needed a curtain rod to finish off the laundry room. We took my car because, to be honest, it's rough. The plan was to get that baby out in to the world. My old lady was antsy as Saturday made her officially one day past her due date and she wanted nothing more than to be able to sleep on her stomach.

We were nearly to Target when she started feeling contractions. Because she's tough as nails, we forged ahead and after striking out at Target (does everyone buy white cafe-style curtain rods?) we went ahead to Wal-Mart where we circled the store because we thought some juice was needed.

By the time we got home, the contractions had slowed or even stopped. After a brisk walk around a few blocks in the 'hood and the third spicy meal in a row, there was some more contraction action. This time it happened as I was wiring in the motor on the whirlpool tub.

Let's just say that project isn't finished yet. By 8:30 we were getting checked in to the hospital and shortly after that I played my role as the dutiful sherpa who lugged all of the necessities to the second floor room.

Let's fast forward to 4:00 PM Sunday, a full 20 hours after her hard contractions began. The big show was upon us. The pushing began. The screaming started. The missus screamed too. I saw everything - even how a hospital room oxygen mask works (there's a little water bottle) because a hyperventilating mom-to-be isn't a good thing.

Then, after the doctor nearly scheduling a c-section, that final push with the help of forceps (ouch) brought 8 lb. 12 oz. Olivia Ruth in to the world at 5:56 PM on Sunday, november 16, 2008. Big in the weight department for a first child but of average length at 20.5".

Yes, that adds up to a full 22 hours of labor and 36 hours of us being awake. We are tired but not totally exhausted.

Oh yes, there are also photos. MinnPics has the cutest, exploitative baby photo this side of the Mississippi River. Check it out and judge for yourselves!

The points (5,000 of them) for naming her go to Memarie Lane who mentioned the name of Olivia which we were already considering but only cemented our decision once we saw her.

The winner of the "Guess the Due Date" game was H who nailed the date of November 16. 5,000 points to her as well!

An epic tale about curtains

Once upon a time, I fell victim to the greatest of all duties. In some circles (mainly mine) it is referred to as "The Husband Errand".

It started simply enough. It was like any other wintry Sunday afternoon except that we were in Mankato for some sort of family business. We had recently purchased our house and were in the process of putting some pearls on the pig. Highest on the list were some real bedroom curtains which would keep the rising sun at bay and let this crotchety old bastard sleep in past TooDamnEarly:30.

We struck gold at Mankato's Target store. (You know, the one attached to River Hills Mall). On clearance was a package of thick, luxurious, light-blocking burgundy panels for the affordable sum of about 10 bucks. This seemed like the perfect decision and we promptly bought the package knowing that surely the Target store a couple miles from my office in the 'burbs would have piles of these curtains in stock and on clearance too. My schedule for Monday afternoon now included a quick stop at Target to adorn the other two bedroom windows and we'd be set.

Only it didn't end that easily.

I began my epic journey that cold Monday afternoon in January by stopping at my preferred Target and perusing the area known for having curtains and scoured the clearance areas only to strike out. "Fine," I said, "I'll just make a quick run over Savage way and be done with this."

A few minutes later, I pulled into the parking lot of the Savage Super Target and hopped a tram to the back of the store knowing that this would be the end and I could make my way home. Ten minutes later, I walked out the door of that Target and to my car. I left empty handed and only mildly angry. My next destination was the Super Target in Chaska.

After slowly crawling through snarled traffic in the small downtown area of Chaska, I continued northward to the Target store where I knew these curtains were waiting for me in the clearance area of the home interiors department. With darkness approaching (it was, after all, almost 5 PM), I pulled in to the parking lot and sprinted to the store. Nobody was going to beat me to the punch for this husband errand. I would be leaving in five minutes with a bag full of curtains and be on my way home to a delicious beef roast.

The only problem with my hope-filled thoughts is that I wouldn't be going home to that beef roast. Instead I would go on to strike out yet again at both the Chanhassen and Eden Prairie Target stores and be on my way to the Edina Target location where I was told that, based on the receipt from the Mankato store, there were in fact THREE packages of these luxurious curtains just waiting for me.

After sitting on Interstate 494 for just long enough to make me even angrier and seeing the clock approach 6:30 PM, my destination was in sight. The depressing Edina Target location was a sight for my weary eyes and my hungry stomach. I found the clearance area in the husband errand department and rummaged through what seemed like hundreds of packages of curtains. The fucking motherlode, I thought. The only problem was that not one single package contained anything remotely close to burgundy. I checked one more time with the customer service counter at the hoity-toity Target locale and was told that two packages remained at the Bloomington store.

Down France Ave., back on Interstate 494 to yet another bullseye which I knew would only disappoint me. Only I knew that Target would not best me on this frigid Monday evening. It was after 7 PM and this husband errand would not end without the prize in hand.

At a full sprint, I rand through the parking lot. I was hopeful but angry, disappointed but optimistic and doubtful all at the same time. I was conflicted about the logic behind this errand. I had already spent three hours navigating the south metro of the Twin Cities for 20 bucks worth of curtains. Was this what had become of my once exciting life?

Who cares? I was a man on a mission. A mission so we'd be able to sleep past Stupid O'Clock in the AM. I navigated my way through the hopeless void known as Target of Bloomington. Skeptical in my outlook, I dug through the end caps looking for the two packages of curtains that had been promosed to me by nearly every Target store in the south metro. My shoulders slumped as I eliminated more and more shelves. Defeat was setting in.

Then it happened. Shoved completely to the back of the bottom shelf, I found two packages of the curtains which had set me on this seemingly pointless trek. Quickly, I retreated to the checkouts, grabbed a 20 oz. bottle of Coke and left the store to make my way home to some luke warm beef roast whose time had come two hours earlier.

Don't get me wrong, those curtains are great but after all that hassle, they are staying on those windows for the next 50 years. I have towonder if I'm alone in participating in insanity like this or am I a complete sucker?

The great pudding crisis

People that know me personally know that I likes me some pudding -- especially tapioca. I've eaten it straight from the cup sans spoon. I've eaten entire batches of it in the "from-the-box" form. Of course, being that I don't work at home, my pudding needs to be portable. The best choice for portable pudding is the venerable pudding cup that I grew up with. The logical choice to purchase pudding cups is where the majority of my shopping is done. Common sense would tell you that I shop at Target or Super Target for the bulk of my grocery needs.

As the pudding supply dwindled on the homefront, I wrote a note to myself reminding me to stop off at Target and re-stock the lunchbox cabinet in the kitchen. This is where things went wrong. Monday, as I enjoyed a rain-soaked day off from work, I ventured to Super Target to grab some grocery items and, of course, a gross of pudding. The grocery shopping went smooth being that I was in the store before noon and my only obstacles were trophy housewives wearing workout pants and dragging their kids around as they bought pre-packaged meals because time as housewife obviously doesn't permit cooking one actual meal per day.

My cart was half-full and my list was nearly scratched out. Curiously, though, the one item still visible on my list was pudding. At this point I would have gladly settled for plain old vanilla pudding cups of any brand. It seemed as I combed the aisles of the grocery side of the store for the second time that pudding cups had vanished. Maybe Target doesn't see the value in a delicious and healthy treat suitable for all ages. Maybe Americans don't consume pudding cups in the quantity that they once did. Maybe this means I'll have to -- gasp -- drive down the road to Super Wal-Mart and trudge through the mindless knuckle-draggers all in the name of acquiring pudding cups.

Have I missed the likely hidden stash of pudding cups at Target? Do people eat pudding cups nowadays? Am I in the minority here in my fondness of pudding cups?