Hi, as you have gotten to know me over the past few years, you have come to expect a certain level of professionalism and I have the utmost respect for you. I am honored to be here today to accept this highly coveted position of Vice President. Hell, let's make that President. Yes, I want to be your next president!
(pause for wild applause)
Many of my detractors will say that I am ill-prepared for such a lofty position. To them, I say BRING IT ON. You, the people, are hungry. You are hungry for change and waffles and I wholly support that change and those waffles.
(more wild applause here)
My opponent has now stated their position on change and has said "it is coming". Well, Christmas is coming as well but I don't have my Christmas tree out of the closet yet.
(yet more insane applause and now chanting)
Thank you. Thank you.
Every day, the struggles of Joe and Jane American are what I hear about. I hear that they are concerned about their safety. Their safety from terrorists around the world will be my number one priority. If a dirty bomb enters this country, I'll know about it. If someone inside our borders produces a dirty bomb, I'll track down the restaurant they ate at and admonish them for such acts of gastro-intestinal distress and imprison the proprietors for a crime. A hate crime. Because I'd hate to make a dirty bomb in my undies.
(wild applause, people fainting)
Thank you. Thank you.
Immigration is another of my targets as president. Our country needs immigrants because of birth control and the high use of contraceptives. As president, I will promptly ban all forms of birth control and contraception as I further my efforts to spur higher birth rates. There's an old saying in Texas, probably in Tennessee too, even an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy is a good thing. At 17 years old, you are ready to be a parent and getting married with only about 70 years of life ahead of you is the RIGHT THING TO DO!
(long pause for wild applause as I slam a shot of whiskey)
Thank you. Thank you.
I know what you're thinking. You are thinking that I am too young or too old for this position. Some of you are correct. I'll let you figure out which of you are correct because age, age is just a number. It's is no more important than another number. That number, of course, is one's IQ. Mine, much like my age, is well into the double digits and above the average January temperature of Alaska in January. Yes, I am like you. I velcro my shoes up one strap at a time JUST LIKE YOU!
(more damn applause!)
In closing, I would like to thank you, Joe and Jane American, for having the faith that an imbred man who was raised by raccoons can LEAD THIS COUNTRY! A man with a total of eleven toes, a habit of eating school paste and a fondness for dry-humping shopping carts can build that bridge to the future. A man with only a third grade education who can barely bathe himself can unite a fractured populace and BUILD MUD HUTS FOR EVERYONE!
(wild applause, people lighting fires)
Thank you, America, and good night!!!
In all seriousness, MinnPics has the photos that tell the stories taking place throughout Minnesota so check it out!
(pause for wild applause)
Many of my detractors will say that I am ill-prepared for such a lofty position. To them, I say BRING IT ON. You, the people, are hungry. You are hungry for change and waffles and I wholly support that change and those waffles.
(more wild applause here)
My opponent has now stated their position on change and has said "it is coming". Well, Christmas is coming as well but I don't have my Christmas tree out of the closet yet.
(yet more insane applause and now chanting)
Thank you. Thank you.
Every day, the struggles of Joe and Jane American are what I hear about. I hear that they are concerned about their safety. Their safety from terrorists around the world will be my number one priority. If a dirty bomb enters this country, I'll know about it. If someone inside our borders produces a dirty bomb, I'll track down the restaurant they ate at and admonish them for such acts of gastro-intestinal distress and imprison the proprietors for a crime. A hate crime. Because I'd hate to make a dirty bomb in my undies.
(wild applause, people fainting)
Thank you. Thank you.
Immigration is another of my targets as president. Our country needs immigrants because of birth control and the high use of contraceptives. As president, I will promptly ban all forms of birth control and contraception as I further my efforts to spur higher birth rates. There's an old saying in Texas, probably in Tennessee too, even an unplanned and unwanted pregnancy is a good thing. At 17 years old, you are ready to be a parent and getting married with only about 70 years of life ahead of you is the RIGHT THING TO DO!
(long pause for wild applause as I slam a shot of whiskey)
Thank you. Thank you.
I know what you're thinking. You are thinking that I am too young or too old for this position. Some of you are correct. I'll let you figure out which of you are correct because age, age is just a number. It's is no more important than another number. That number, of course, is one's IQ. Mine, much like my age, is well into the double digits and above the average January temperature of Alaska in January. Yes, I am like you. I velcro my shoes up one strap at a time JUST LIKE YOU!
(more damn applause!)
In closing, I would like to thank you, Joe and Jane American, for having the faith that an imbred man who was raised by raccoons can LEAD THIS COUNTRY! A man with a total of eleven toes, a habit of eating school paste and a fondness for dry-humping shopping carts can build that bridge to the future. A man with only a third grade education who can barely bathe himself can unite a fractured populace and BUILD MUD HUTS FOR EVERYONE!
(wild applause, people lighting fires)
Thank you, America, and good night!!!
In all seriousness, MinnPics has the photos that tell the stories taking place throughout Minnesota so check it out!
8 comments:
I know what you're thinking. You are thinking that I am too young or too old for this position. Some of you are correct.
Very nice.
Awesome doesn't cover it. Very well done!
And now there's a logo because if there's a logo, it's really real. For real.
I'd vote for you! (Which I can safely say since I'm a Canadian citizen.)
Great logo!
Hahahahahaha "people fainting", "people lighting fire" - Classic.
you've got my vote. and my whiskey!
hey, you got my vote!!! You sound better than McCain/Palin already!!!
Lighting fires over here!
Post a Comment