Ten steps to getting your sex on

The pros at FOX News think they have the scoop on the ten biggest mistakes men make with sex.

I'm just going to expand on their original ideas with lessons I have learned myself.
Everyone makes mistakes, sometimes women like to explore a man's penis with their mouth, that usuall isn't a problem unless they view it as a beef stick and begin chewing. A big no-no. The same goes for men who think that oral pleasure for a woman involves something similar to chewing bubble gum. Not cool.

Whether it's titillation tactics, misjudging erogenous zones or misguided notions as to what women want, men need to avoid the following bedroom blunders if they want to become great lovers:

1. Thinking that foreplay starts in the sack. This is entirely true. It should start in the sack. Starting anywhere else can be awkward. This is entirely true is you get in the mood during a dinenr party where your boss is in attendance. This can be especially awkward if your boss decides that this looks fun and decides to join in.

Men, whether your plan is to “get some,” rev up her engine or bring her to fast orgasm, your strategy should begin only in the bedroom to avoid uncomfortable discussions at work in the following days.

2. Going south too soon. Do not do this until you are sure that you are actually with a woman or a really stellar, um, he-she. Ask some questions. Don't make the questions last any longer than needed, you have needs and once your stick shift is in gear, neautral is not an option.

3. Ignoring the clitoris. This is a fucking no-brainer. If the woman you are with actually has a clitoris, no nuts on it. The catch here is if she does indeed have one. Recent scientific research has found that only 3-5% of women actually have a clitoris. Tread lightly. In some European countries, the presence of a clitoris makes one on the same level as royalty or even goddess stature.

4. Missing the G spot. Sometimes you just gotta dig for treasure. Take some time but when you find ye olde buried treasure, it's time to bring your A-game. Pound, thrust, repeat.

5. Becoming too goal-oriented in your efforts is a must. Intense focus is a necessity. Make sure your face shows that you are focused. Deep frown lines, grunting, tense shoulder muscles, squinting, perhaps even a lifting belt to show that you mean business.

6. Gaining weight and still thinking you're attractive. Seriously, even guys are viewed as fatties from time to time. I agree that most men want the Barbie-type woman but all women -- regardless of if they are svelt or , well, haven't seen svelt since they were three years old but these same women ALWAYS have guys after them because guys are desperate and consider themselves lucky to even touch a woman much less experience intimate relations with one. Tone up you flabby bastards, no woman wants to be smothered under some guy who wreaks of KFC gravy and has Velveeta stuck in his greasy beard.

7. Not knowing about her need to be naughty. When she bends over in the grocery store to grab a can of peas on the bottom shelf, take that as a hint that she wants it... bad. Yes, storming her castle with your wild steed in the canned goods aisle is never of flimits. And when doing so, make sure you proclaim just how filthy of a grocery store slut she truly is. She'll love it.

8. Thinking she's supposed to act like a porn star. While this means that she doesn't necessarily need to sport seven inch high heels in your clothing-optional encounters, she should always moan, loudly. Even if you're simply giving her girls a honk.

9. Thinking you're supposed to look like a porn star. All this boils down to is the simple fact that you actually should leave your black dress socks on. Women love seeing a man whose legs haven't seen sun in the better part of a decade paired with droopy black dress socks. The black/white contrast will literally make her a puddle of pure ecstacy.

10. Believing one orgasm is enough. This means that one may actually be too many. After all, if your old lady has one orgasm, she should thank her lucky damn stars because the very fact that you stumbled through the first nine steps means that you do actually care. An orgasm is like a blue moon, it happens about once a year for women and any more frequently would just be wrong.