An all-out Olympic orgy

Sometime I just can't stop beating the proverbial dead horse. This is one of those times.

Sure, the 2008 Summer Olympic Games in Beijing, China ended nearly a week ago but that doesn't mean that we have to stop enjoying the mildly hilarious photos which aren't nearly as dirty, pornographic or sexual in nature as they seem to be. (h/t)

Seriously, though, the folks at College Humor can do better than these rather weak offerings and I'm sure you can too. Right?


If you readers can't do better, I swear to God that I'll come back with some gratuitious Olympic nipple or camel toe photos so fast it'll make your head spin.

The pigs are coming to kill us

Apparently now we have one more thing to worry about. The swine flu. I'm not totally clear on this latest epidemic backed my a ton of media hype but here are the basics.

1.) If you have swine (pigs) sharing space with you in your living quarters, please move them to your basement or garage. Swine make excellent dwelling companions but spooning with them while sleeping is not recommended.

2.) Consumption of pork is fine as long as it is cooked at least to medium-rare. A warm, pink center (and what guy doesn't want that?) is the preferred level of doneness for all of your pork consumption needs.

3.) Fornication with swine should cease immediately. You'll be clear to resume your pig-fucking activities within mere weeks. Until that time, may I suggest a subscription to Naked Piggy Monthly.

4.) Blame China. China is the source of every scourge to land on our shores in the past decade or more. Think of it. Those damn Asian beetles? From China. The Emerald Ash Borer? From China. Lead-tainted toys? From China. The Daewoo brand of both cars and electronics? Pretty sure from China.

The best course of action is to ball yourself up in the fetal position and pray for mercy from our swine overlords. Or just check out MinnPics and drool over the purty photos.

The olympics, who cares?

Sure, in mere hours China will be proving to the rest of the world just how fan-damn-tabulous their communist crap country is in relation to the rest of the free world. With smog-filled skies, more toxins in the air than in Keith Richards' blood stream and a revolution only being held back by strong arm military police, how could we not be impressed?

What exactly was the thought process of the International Olympic Committee when they awarded the 2008 summer games to Beijing China? The olympics are supposedly some great coming together of the world in a peaceful display of competitive spirit and other bullshit peddling marketing phraseology so why choose a country that violently kills those who question "the law"? Why send the world's best athletes to a country whose air is so polluted you could practically cut it with a knife? A country so desperate to show that they are just like us that the government/military orders 90% of the vehicles from the roads to relieve traffic congestion and reduce their nasty air syndrome is supposed to be the center for all things athletic, competitive and peaceful for the next two weeks? Things like this simply fail to make sense to me.

Am I alone in not caring in general about the olympics and particularly this year's summer games in Beijing? Does it seem morally wrong that the entire world is rewarding a country whose practices have utterly destroyed the very foundation of our own country and that by giving China this much attention that we are justifying their power in the global patchwork? Rewarding criminals isn't the most productive way to right what many view as wrongs.

Cuba, China and news website comments

I'm not big on reading what columnists have to say in the Star-Tribune. Mainly because their biases are painfully obvious and the content is of little interest to me. Today, though, I clicked on a headline in my news reader which led me to some great writing (if you can avoid the worthless comments section).

I'm sure you've heard that China is drilling for oil off the shore of Cuba. What I'm also sure of is that many haven't heard that it's complete, total, election-year bullshit. Unfortunately, the actual decent writing of Nick Coleman is overshadowed by the knuckle dragging cave dwellers who took a well-worded and informative column and turned it into what nearly every comments section on StarTribune.com turn into -- a partisan shit-slinging free for all where only a handful of comments have any value.

And I'm not alone in seeing this. WCCO's Jason DeRusha blogged about the value (or lack of) comments on news websites and plenty of others agree. He does, too, bring up the valid point of why companies open up comments. It's all about the page views. More comments = more time spent on the website and that means more page views and with CPM advertising, you have more inventory to sell. And I thank you for that because it pays my bills (to a certain extent).

I agree with the comments that civility and moderation would be great but that fine line could open up an entirely new can of worms and, in the end, alienate those loonies who drive up your page views. The commenting situation on the big sites will eventually work itself out but for now maybe y'all should just comment here instead.

Hey, there's plenty of opinions at MinnPics but they're all about photos from Minnesota's best photographers and if Erica digs it, it has to be good.

How are regular Joes and Janes spending their stimulus checks?

If you haven't gotten it by now, you will be getting it soon. No, I'm not talking about a bitching case of the clap; I'm speaking about the "economic stimulus checks" aka the mortgage on the future.

The grandiose plan for this money from heaven is to drag this country out of a recession by spending money magically brought here from the future or China. Either way, you're supposed to run through the streets spending the cool $600 per adult tax payer on whatever you want. Preferably upscale prostitutes or lapdances for gentlemen and intimate apparrel and "massagers" for the ladies because what better way to stimulate the economy that stimulating yourself in the end?

Well, maybe not but a guy can dream. Here are some real ways people spent their cash as well as the best one of all but I'm curious how you plan on blowing your wad. Mine will be pissed away on a credit card bill. Exciting, right?

Random gripes

Sometimes, the stupidity of the world gets my blood all riled up, but just short of boiling. That means that it's time for me to vent about the random bullshit in the world today that has my head spinning, wondering just what the hell people are thinking.

7-Up soda
Yes, I know that it's been about two years since your revolutionary "All Natural" revision to your sludgy but clear soda but there's one glaring item in the list of ingredients that has me wondering? Where in the hell do you get off calling High Fructose Corn Syrup a natural product? Sure, it's a derivitive of corn but it is just shy of a poison that ties up your liver by spending tons of energy to process the gloppy substance that, for one reason or another, took over natural sugar's stranglehold on the marketplace. I, for one, trust sugar. Sure, it can cause the occasional cavity but it's NATURAL.

China
Dammit, don't you own enough of the world's marketplace of poorly made products already? Why do you feel the need to shave another 3 cents off the cost of everything and use poison as paint? Yea, lead has a place but that is in another deadly product -- bullets! Listen up China, we made do a few decades back without your shit cluttering up every retailer across this once prosperous country and I am sure we can vanquish you to being nothings again.

Emo Kids
Get over it. You have nothing to mope about. Most of you are just fucked up suburban kids who have too much time on your hands. Sure, it might not be 'cool' to ride your bike somewhere but it will pull you outside. Yep, people still are active in the great outdoors because there is more to life than shitty music that, to you, has 'meaning' in the ultra-deep lyrics. If you want to be all depressed about something, study up on an area called Darfur and go buy the John Lennon tribute double disc where some real artists covered some fantastic tunes.

VH1
Dear GOD, what the fuck happened here? Has even the idea of music scared you? I have plenty of beef with MTV but, damn, I saw five minutes of I Love the 70s and I know it's supposed to be ultra hip because it lacks production values but I could create that bile using my mediocre Flash skills and a cell phone camera.

Larry Craig
You fucking CONFESSED to soliciting male sex in a rather public space. A space that children use. A space that the general traveling public at the Minneapolis/St. Paul Int'l Airport uses. You also confessed to never being gay after you solicited that very same male sex from an undercover officer. Sure, in hindsight it might look like a sex sting but you knew exactly what to gesture and tap. I know that I would have been more than a little weirded out to have some random dude flirting with me while I tend to my business in my stall. And let's say that you, Mr. Craig, had solicited sex from a random gay guy. That, to me, seems a bit beyond risky. Shouldn't a person in a somewhat high elected office be setting an example instead of trolling the men's room for some nookie outside of your marriage.

The same goes for Senator David Vitter who admitted to sliciting the services of a prostitute. You two, and likely others too, are a bunch of damn hypocrites. Preach family values and the sanctity of marriage all you want but until you can practice what you preach, the American public should have ZERO respect for you.

There, I feel better. Did I miss anyone? Do any of you have any gripes of your own?