Don't go on TV to talk about your genital blemishes

A guy in Lakeville is learning that nothing is actually free. The Star-Tribune tells the story in a more in-depth way than most would care to read but if you show up at a TV studio and see an audience when you expected none, you should turn the other way and run.

The guy, Tyler Bowling, seems to want it both ways. He was promised a free, brief laser surgery procedure to remove his pearly penis papules in exchange for his appearance on a medical show on an "all-medical network" that is only watched by "older people and doctors". The medical show, though, turned out to be "The Doctors" which is aired nationally in almost every television market (wow, someone in TV lied, color me surprised). In short, it's far from obscure and niche.

But this guy in Lakeville seems to want it both ways. He agreed rather hastily, after seeing that the show included a studio audience, to have the surgery. No, the surgery wasn't in front of a studio audience but he still agreed to do it. If you think that at least one person watching won't recognize you and start to spread the word, saying "Hey, Tyler's on TV and he's got pearly bumps on his penis!", then you are rather disconnected from the world.

He claims he's suffered immense embarrassment from being on the show and having the segment air during subsequent repeats but he should have also know that TV shows never die. They live on for years - even decades. If you think that a TV show is going to do anything for free, once and done, then you need a lesson in gullibility. Sure, I don't blame the guy for taking up an offer for getting a free medical procedure but the big lesson here is that nothing is free. If you've agreed to be on TV once, they own that footage forever! Don't be stupid. If it's embarrassing enough that you wouldn't tell your friends about it, then don't be a fool and go on national TV and expect less embarrassment.

Now forget about disfigured genitalia and check out the photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. If you don't a kitten dies.

Is "swine" flu in Minnesota?

First off, the swine flu name is misleading and secondly it is apparently in Minnesota. According to a rather vague article in the Star-Tribune, a teen at a Cold Spring, Minnesota middle school is sick with something at least resembling the "swine" flu. It, the, can onle be a matter of time before genius governor Tim Pawlenty circles the city of Cold Spring with the few remaining National Guardsmen who aren't in Afghanistan or Iraq. Well, at least they could circle a city block or two.

More important is what a coincidence it is that this outbreak has happened under the watch of a Democratic president. According to everyone's favorite source of just short of accurate information, Michele Bachmann, Barack Obama - like 70s predecessor Jimmy Carter, is responsible for this outbreak.



Hey, what this batshit-crazy woman says is the damn gospel so it must be true. But wait, that flu outbreak in the 70s actually happened while Gerald Ford was president so maybe Bachmann is wrong. Maybe...

Stay happy and visit MinnPics because photos have an amazing immune system.

The pigs are coming to kill us

Apparently now we have one more thing to worry about. The swine flu. I'm not totally clear on this latest epidemic backed my a ton of media hype but here are the basics.

1.) If you have swine (pigs) sharing space with you in your living quarters, please move them to your basement or garage. Swine make excellent dwelling companions but spooning with them while sleeping is not recommended.

2.) Consumption of pork is fine as long as it is cooked at least to medium-rare. A warm, pink center (and what guy doesn't want that?) is the preferred level of doneness for all of your pork consumption needs.

3.) Fornication with swine should cease immediately. You'll be clear to resume your pig-fucking activities within mere weeks. Until that time, may I suggest a subscription to Naked Piggy Monthly.

4.) Blame China. China is the source of every scourge to land on our shores in the past decade or more. Think of it. Those damn Asian beetles? From China. The Emerald Ash Borer? From China. Lead-tainted toys? From China. The Daewoo brand of both cars and electronics? Pretty sure from China.

The best course of action is to ball yourself up in the fetal position and pray for mercy from our swine overlords. Or just check out MinnPics and drool over the purty photos.

Ten gallons of snot

Let's think about snot for a moment.

Alright. Now that you're thoroughly disgusted, let's talk about snot.

Anot seems to be ever-present. Plenty of Americans blow their noses every day. I, for one, am a first-thing-in-the-morning nose blower. Then there are the occasions in which I sneeze. I always do so in series of three. If it doesn't stop at number three, it won't stop until I blow my nose and release the gallon or so of snot which has mysteriously appeared.

Which begs the question: where does that snot come from in such short order? Is my brain melting? Are my lungs slowly filling with the goo-ified toxins that surround me in my daily grind?

And just how much snot does the average person produce in a lifetime? I might be overshooting things but I'm going to say that it's in the ten-plus gallon range. Think of all the times you come down with the average cold. My old lady goes through about four boxes of Kleenexes in the duration of one cold which leads me to believe that, if she gets a cold one per year and she lives to be 85, the ten gallon mark is totally achievable. After all, that amounts to over 40,000 Kleenexes solely for cold relief with a grand total of 1,280 ounces of snot during those approximately 85 colds. That leaves us with merely .03 oz. of snot/Kleenex. Is the number anywhere close to accurate?

I encourage you to examine this for yourself and report back.

In the meantime, check out MinnPics because the photos are great and they'll stimulate your brain and likely slow snot production. A win-win for everyone.