32 Questions

What is your idea of perfect happiness?

Being self-sufficient. In terms of employment that means being self-employed. Never having to worry that a boss, supervisor or manager will cut you loose in an effort to save their own ass. It also means truly controlling your own destiny and likely working harder than you have ever worked in your life.

What is your greatest fear?
Disappointing those around me – mainly my family.

Which living person do you most admire?
My wife. She has done so much that goes unappreciated or under-appreciated and unnoticed.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
Having a short fuse.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Ignorance.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Dining out.

What is your favorite journey?
My first job after moving to the Twin Cities. I stayed on for nearly ten years and while I struggled to make myself valuable those struggles taught me most of everything I know today and opened the doors to a new career path with, I hope, more job security.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
The ability to multi-task. That just means that you are distracted.

On what occasions do you lie?
To keep from hurting a family member.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My nose. Or maybe my wirey arms.

Which living person do you most despise?
People who refuse to take responsibility for their failures. Embrace them and learn from them.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Fuck.

What is your greatest regret?
Holding a grudge too long and never fully repairing that damaged relationship before it was too late.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My wife and kids.

When and where were you happiest?
During a trip we won to Bluefin Bay on Lake Superior.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Being more mechanically skilled.

What is your current state of mind?
Self-doubt.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Be a couple inches taller. In today’s world, height is very important.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Convincing my wife to marry me.

If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
A cloud. Just imagine the view.

What is your most treasured possession?
My family. They are healthy and that’s good.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Losing a loved one.

Where would you like to live?
A place in “the country” fairly close to a small town overlooking a river or creek where I have space to roam, solitude when I want it and a close replication to the on-the-farm environment I was lucky enough to grow up in.

What is your favorite occupation?
Toiling away in the garden.

What is your most marked characteristic?
I can say most anything, true or not, and get away with it by following it up with a laugh.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
A good father.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
A good mother.

What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty.

What are your favorite television shows?
Recently I can’t miss “The Walking Dead”, I am sad to see “How I Met Your Mother” coming to an end, the comedy of “30 Rock” is as close to genius as there is and “Fringe” was vastly underappreciated and managed to combine elements of family and loss into a sprawling and fantastic sci-fi drama that topped anything that “The X-Files” ever achieved.

Who are your heroes in real life?
My parents.

How would you like to die?
I’d like to know when so I can delete my browser history. Kidding.

What is your motto?
Pants are too restricting.

What is up the cheerleaders' skirts?

Based on the ghastly reactions of the cheerleaders holding up their fellow cheerleaders, there must be something pretty horrible going on under their cheerleader skirts. My mind is racing around the possibilities (like maybe they both simultaneously soiled themselves from a night of eating copious amounts of Taco Bell) but take a guess. I'd love to hear the range of possibilities.

What lies beneath the skirts of these cheerleaders to draw such shocked reactions?

A real question about ultrasounds

As we watched "Juno" a few weeks back (fifth time) I paused the movie at one particular scene. The scene where Juno McGuff is getting her ultrasound. The ultrasound technician squeezes the bottle of ultrasound jelly on Juno's pregnant belly and the bottle sounds rather obviously less than full. It sounds like a sputtering plastic ketchup botttle as it reluctantly gives up some of its last ketchup.

My question is about those ultrasound jelly bottles. Do they come from the ultrasound jelly plant only half full? I remember when my old lady got her ultrasound just like Juno's and that bottle sputtered like a backfiring engine when it was squeezed. And the one at Rochester's Mayo Clinic did the same thing. So, I jumped to the conclusion that there's some sinister company somewhere in the country churning out less-than half-full bottles of ultrasound jelly.

But is there any truth in my assumption? Has anyone actually seen a full(ish) bottle of ultrasound jelly that didn't spit and sputter that cold (from what I've heard) goo all over their pregnant belly?

If serious topics like this one make your head pound like it's full of a million kick drums, check out the relaxing but still intriguing photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. It's the one decision today that you won't regret.

Has your college degree helped you?

College is an essential part of an individual's education. While it doesn't guarantee a job in that particular field by any means, it does further your way of thinking. I'm one of those who wishes I had taken more courses and stayed in college longer but I didn't feel challenged so I wrapped things up with a relatively low level degree in a somewhat low paying field but I knew from the age of 14 that it's what I wanted to do. And two months after graduating college I had that all important first job in the general area of what I wanted to do.

I evolved with that job and even after moving and taking a new job in the same field where my focus was originally back to my roots, I have again experienced that evolution. The relatively open management has not only allowed but encouraged my experimentations with social media and writing. They hired me, I think, because my skills spoke for themselves and my boss realized the potential I had so even with what now looks like the portfolio of a high schooler, I was hired. Nearly seven years later I am still doing what I love along with all of the side experimentation and dabbling in other sometimes unrelated areas.

I realized very early on that I needed to diversify to stay viable. So I took on a bunch of IT-related duties. I worked with software vendors and solved problems. I travelled locally to meet with B2B-type customers and made those relationships more efficient for all parties. After moving I did less of that but still solve problems that if left unsolved would grind operations to a halt and effect not only us but service providers we rely on and charge us for time spent on our projects. But in my back pocket, through all of this, I still have that practically meaningless degree as a back-up. Sure, it's probably not entirely meaningless because it's directly related to the very job I've held for over a decade but it's really just a piece of paper saying I've completed courses whose curriculum is basically outdated.

Then a drastic reorganization hit us. Call it change for the sake of change or needed change to see if things can be made to run better but it's been met with plenty of resistance. A colleague found out that projects previously his or her own would be taken away essentially because he or she doesn't have a degree in the particular field we are employed in. My colleague, whom one person is essentially deeming as underqualified, is the best on our team and has proven so time and time again. Consistently going above and beyond and satisfying customers while meeting deadlines and being pleasant to be around. Let me say that again, the best on our team - the best I've ever worked with.

But because this colleague is no longer the shining star because one person has decided that everyone should be equals. A level playing field. All this based on initial conversations without examining work. What I take away is that the best will again rise to the top because every team has grunts and superstars. Equality is nice but it isn't always reality. It takes superstars and behind-the-scenes people to make a team work. We can't all be quarterbacks but one person seems to think so. I have faith that it will all work out in the end and that those superstar-type projects will again return to their rightful superstar but it will be a bumpy road between now and then.

As I've found out via Twitter, degrees are a good launching pad but in the long run it's experience and proof via your work that make you successful. And there are plenty, too, who are damn good at what they do with degrees in totally different areas than what they are employed in. So, while college has value and I'm not saying that you shouldn't pursue a degree in something you're both interested in and good at, that degree isn't the be all, end all. So what if that BFA in Art History is gathering dust as you toil away as a manager. Those skills gained as a manager could launch you in to HR or something more. Or that lowly tech certificate could allow you to pursue a boat load of cool side projects because it's allowed you to be a jack of all trades and getting paid to find your niche is pretty damn cool. Just like MinnPics has been called pretty damn cool. Plus it's the only intensely Minnesota photo blog showcasing the photos of others that I know of so go check it out.

Describing myself in five (hundred) words

We've all been there - that job interview where the interviewer says "Describe yourself in five words for me." You then proceed to rattle off the standard answers - diligent, hard-working, motivated, blah, blah, blah...

The problem with that standard job interview question is that most everyone uses the same five answers. Nobody ever answers with "sporadic" or "scatterbrained". That's why people in the hiring position at companies rarely get the best employee for the position. I have to admit that I'd rather be allowed to basically hang myself during in an interview without being limited to a handful of words. Instead of five words, why not five-hundred? What would you say about yourself in five-hundred words? Here's what I'd say in a bit more than five words.

I'm not using the standard answers you're used to hearing but I am a hard worker. I don't need anybody telling me what needs to be done because, unlike some people, I can see what needs my attention and I take care of those tasks while I prioritize the other necessary tasks. My desk will always look like a typhoon just made landfall but it's how I work. I'm the guy that steps up his game in a crunch. When there's a pile of work sitting there and there doesn't seem to be nearly enough time to get it all done, I'm the one the gets it done. Sure, I might not be the most pleasant person to be around during those few hours but in the end the work gets done and it looks great and the clients are happy. I always have their best interests in mind even if they don't seem to care about their image. I, and I know this sounds like a cliche, can easily be accused of caring too much. Most times, that first concept is the best and great ideas don't always need endless tweaks and adjustments and especially additions. I can convey a message without having to write a story. The best messages often times leave the potential customer asking a few questions and the client is just the person to answer tham and that leads to sales. It's the ultimate goal in advertising - to move your product - whatever it is and my work leads to positive results while putting your business' best image possible in front of potential customers.

As far as my temperament, I treat people exactly how they treat me. If you have a gruff attitude or lack common sense or decency, you'll get that right back. I don't roll over and I take a stand for what is best. Treat me well and you'll get that in return. Believe in what I'm doing but know that even the best ideas sometimes fall flat on their face. Work with me and the ideas, concepts and results will impress you.

Now that I've done my fake job interview, feel free to take it and run with it on your own time. Share the results and we'll at least all come out of this having a vague idea of what each other does.

And do me a HUGE favor and check out MinnPics. It's chock full of killer photos from every corner of Minnesota and currently obsessed with fall.

Her vagina is a clown car

I don't see the appeal of the genre of "reality" show that litters TLC. You know, the genre of enormous families who have their own TV show just because they have a huge family. The Duggar family, whose patriarch is appropriately named Jim Bob, are the face of this eerie new "reality" genre.

The family, who currently has 18 children, announced today that they are again expecting - bringing the tally to a whopping 19 children. That is quite the feat for a woman who is a mere 42 years old. It is also disturbing as hell. Hey, America is a free country and if you want to pop out enough kids to field two entire baseball teams, go for it. And if you want to finally profit from your freakishly large family, so be it.

My problem lies in how we, as Americans, gobble this shit up. How does something like this qualify as being worthy of a few minutes of time on NBC's Today Show? Are we so vapid and mindless that we are enthralled by this? Does it qualify as news? Who watches this show on TLC?

I've never met anyone in my admittedly small world who has ever watched this show (outside of myself). Is it a compelling program or is it just a camera crew following the circus-sized family and interviewing them in typical "reality" show fashion?

For the time being, MinnPics has taken a break from Minnesota and focuses instead on Los Angeles and the inferno that rages just outside the city. Photos of Minnesota return later today. Check it all out!

Is the internet just a fad?

Just because something has had popularity with the masses for a decade doesn't mean that it's here to stay. Sure, the internet has drastically changed our lives. The fact that you can check your bank account with the click of the mouse is a huge time-saver and paying your bills the same way is just as amazing. But think of what the internet has taken away from us.


When's the last time you waited in a line at the post office? See, that's the internet's fault. Those long, snaking lines are the sort of thing that builds character. No longer are we subjected to the gruff demeanor of those behind the counter at the post office. And what has become of the weapons business? Think back to a time when "going postal" made the nightly news. Where has our friend, the random post office shooting, gone? These things are just the tip of the iceberg.


Have you heard of Facebook? Yeah, me either. Apparently it's this thing on the interwebs that lets people connect with the profiles of current and long-lost friends. But isn't that what your 10-year high school reunion is for? I truly miss each and every one of the 327+ classmates from my graduating class and am looking forward to my ten year reuni... wait a minute, that reunion would have been two years ago. What the hell? Oops. But wait, our class, as oh-so tight knit as they were (sure...) never even made an effort to organize a reunion.

And it even boils down to technology as a whole. I miss the days of film photography. I loved dropping off a couple rolls of film at K-Mart, waiting a day or two and picking up seven bucks worth of prints where one or two were actually worth printing. Even better was the judgmental looks from the pepperoni-faced punk at the photo counter. I only learned why I was glared at after opening the envelope to see that a friend had snuck off with my camera and snapped a few cock shots and pics of other's bare asses.

Yeah, all of that internet stuff and technology is just a fad. I'm sure that by next year we'll be back to mailing everything at the post office and maybe even carving notes in to stone tablets.

MinnPics is serious stuff as opposed to this. And it depends, even thrives, because of the internet. Check out the awesome Minnesota photos now.

Is temporary insanity a welcome relief?

How many times have you come dangerously close to "losing it"? Think about it for a moment. Now think how many times you've considered spitting in someone's face, smearing your feces on the vehicle whose driver pissed you off to such an extent that you considered calling the cops on them or just wanted to unleash a string of profanities on someone you deem "too dumb to exist"?

The stresses of daily life can be great but smearing poo on a parked vehicle will usually get you arrested - or at least garner some strange looks. But, if you claim that you are (or legitimately are) crazy, you've got an easy out. Temporary insanity is a total cop out. People have used it as an excuse for murder and gone right back (basically) to their daily lives. But what can the average, pissed off citizen do to use temporary insanity to their advantage?

The best way is to use your own temporary insanity is to actually save you sanity. It all comes full circle to the level of stress you carry. Truly "losing it" will have some stiff legal ramifications but "snapping" and writing it off as temporary insanity could actually get you condolences. I'm not advocating the burning down of someone's house because their dog is barking but you have to find a release for the anger. You could punch a wall but that cold hurt your fist because every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If the neighbor's dog is barking and won't shut the hell up, get in your car and drive to a desolate rural area and scream as loudly as you can. Kick gravel and hit something with a board or lead pipe. Don't inflict harm on someone else's property but get it out before you end up walking in to a gym in Pittsburg and shooting people at random.

I've gone to such extremes as hurling a barrel used as a garbage can at a post. Once my frustration was out, I put the barrel back in its place and, as my friends laughed until tears streamed down their faces, moved on with my life. I've also taken a large hammer to a pile of rocks and swung furiously as I smashed those rocks with shards of them flying in all directions. The end result was smaller bits of rocks and less stress on my part. It ended better than ramming my cart into a Walmart employee.

How do you go about dealing with your stress? Do you have temporary insanity moments or rage blackouts?

Or do you bathe in the awesomeness that is MinnPics? Photos can be relaxing so go now and explore the past year's worth of greatness.

Things guys have done

I'm always up for a good read I find online via a couple clicked links. I'm even more up for that good read if it involves something I can, like, totally relate to. It gets even better if it's soemthing funny. Factor in a points system and it's fucking gold.

All of the above happened as I read Things Guys Have Done. Sadly (or happily) I can fess up to about 95% of the items listed including melting ice at a urinal, belching sentences and eating so much at a buffet that I pooped and came back for more because it was probably the best meal I was going to have in quite some time.

Those items take me back to a time when I could get away with not doing the dishes for a week. Not because I didn't want to do them (I really didn't want to do them) but because why in the hell would I need to wash 2 plates, a bowl and three glasses? There's a whole cupboard of those very items left and they're clean. But if I open the fridge and it's looking empty it's off to the liquor store because it's better to be safe than sorry - especially when it's 10:05 PM on a Saturday night and your only options are to drive to Iowa way too early on Sunday morning or head to an off-sale shop and pick up some overpriced 3.2 beer that would make most people consider brewing their own bathtub gin.

Those are the decisions that plague the modern male.

Even more decisions await about busying your weekend. A few ideas, in photo form, live at MinnPics.

The interview with me: Part Two

On the urging of a commenter on what was actually part one of the interview I did with my recently invented personality, Captain Fantastic, here are some follow-up questions...

Captain Fantastic: Are you a side sleeper or back sleeper?
Sornie: Usually I am a side sleeper but that's a lot of work because I usually end up on my back by morning. It takes a lot of energy to hold the side sleeping pose.

CF: Chocolate or vanilla?
S: I an not opposed some chocolate. Dark-skinned women, hell - women of any skin color - are fine by me...

CF: No, I meant chocolate or vanilla ice cream?
S: Oh, Neopolitan all the way. I'm all about ice cream equality.

CF: Do you have an accent? I don't know why I picture you with a slight English or Nordic accent.
S: I am a typical midwesterner which means I don't have an accent. I sound just like someone from California, Illinois or Ohio. I don't have the fake accent that was portrayed in Fargo.

CF: Musical taste? What get's your toes-a-tapping?
S: A wie variety of things but I tend to go through music like I go through bottles of juice. I'm always discovering both new and old tunes but I tend to lean towards alternative music. FOr old stuff, think The Replacements and Social Distortion. For current stalwarts, think Green Day and Weezer and for new stuff that makes some people say "What?" think along the lines of Metric and Phoenix.

CF: Oh and when did you start taking pix for MinnPics?
S: I started taking photos with some regularity when I bought my first decent digital camera in 2003 and upgraded to a pro model in 2007. I don't feature a lot of my own work because that would be rather self-serving. I started MinnPics in July of 2008 and while I love it I am considering replacing it with another project. Would you miss MinnPics if it went away?

An interview with me

The throngs of readers here don't particularly know a lot about yours truly so why not an interview to enlighten and entertain? And who better to interview yours truly than the personality I coined Sunday evening over a few bottles of Leinie's Summer Shandy - Captain Fantastic.

Captain Fantastic: What is one thing your readers have to know about you?

Sornie: I am actually painfully normal. I wear pants most days and my underwear is nearly free of tears and rips.

CF: What is your favorite music?

S: Wellllllll....... I am about to crack the 15,000 track mark on my iMac's iTunes library so the variety contained there tends to describe me fairly well although avid readers here know that I have a passion for alternative music and actually believe that radio can be good although the Twin Cities, outside of 89.3 The Current, is a complete pile of shit in its present state and virtually unlistenable.

CF: Do you do any tricks?

S: I don't know if it's a trick but I've been known to run through the house wearing a towel (and nothing else?) proclaiming myself Mr. Towely.

CF: What scares you?

S: Being unemployed. Honestly, I am surprised that I am gainfully employed. Oh, sure, I've held on for over six years at my current job but I've always got my eye on a couple cardboard boxes to pack the contents of my overloaded desk in as management escorts me from the building kicking and screaming.

CF: Do you have any favorite things?

S: Most every material item I could actually do without. It's easy to say but when Ebola finally kills millions and puts the rest of us on lockdown, I'll be wishing I had charged my iPod.

CF: Coke or Pepsi?

S: Coke all the way. Pepsi is the work of the devil and Coke is addictive. I'm fairly certain that they still put the cocaine in it.

CF: Have you ever "crossed swords"?

S: I've been camping at Apple River so I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't agreed to a late-night sword fight with competing streams.

CF: Do you have a favorite color?

S: PMS 185C - it's Coca-Cola red in printer's terms.

CF: Favorite food?

S: I've been curious what baby formula tastes like and whether or not it would be tasty if used in the making of a vanilla shake.

CF: Favorite author?

S: Um, yeah, I don't read much in the way of books but a great writer is Matt Taibbi. Google him.

CF: Favorite type of cloud?

S: Mammatus. They look like boobs.

CF: Any advice for the class of 2009?

S: Good damn luck. I hope you like being unemployed. But seriously, drag out your time in college as long as possible and get wise with all things internet - and I don't mean constantly updating your Facebook page. Learn coding languages, get into development, learn CSS, PHP, mySQL and teach yourself Drupal. I'm slowly working on it - so should you.

(oh, the inspiration for this, and a couple questions, came from here)

Alright, this wasn't very humorous and I'm probably going to slit Captain Fantastic's throat while he sleeps but for consistent quality check out the photos of Minnesota at MinnPics. You won't regret clicking that link.

And if you have any questions about me, leave them in the comments and I'll answer them promptly.

Stalker or curious person

After work today my old lady and I, along with the child, ventured streetside to plant some flowers we bought a week or so ago. Not even five minutes had passed when, as I glanced down our street, I saw a vehicle I recognized.

"Hey, that's the one person (I actually said the individual's name) I work with. Why the hell's [this person] driving by our house? [This person] lives about 15 or 20 miles away - it said so in the newsletter a few months back."

"Huh" responded my old lady.

No less than a minute passed when the very same vehicle drove by at a low rate of speed again. Being who I am, I stared intently letting this individual know that I had seen them and I'm fairly certain there was eye contact to cement my neck-craning stare as I held the baby and alternated between watching traffic on our tucked-away street and watching my old lady dig in the dirt.

"Was that [the same person]?"

"Yeah, and that's not just a coincidence. Nobody accidentally drives fifteen miles out of their way to accidentally drive down our street twice. At least go over a block for your return trip" I said almost breathlessly as my curiosity started building.

Would this individual mention the chance drive down my residential street in a fashion that seemed to be exclusively for scoping out my house? What's the deal? Is this person curious about how I'm living so damn large on my pauper's wage? Is this person plotting some sort of revenge directed at me?

I have so many questions and while I'd love to ask them all I highly doubt I could get even a shred of an answer because this person's sole purpose on Earth is to do as little as possible while appearing to be extremely busy because a closed door always means you're busy.

What's your take? Is this co-worker just overly curious or should I be double deadbolting my doors and parking my car a couple blocks over and living in fear of some sort of horror movie reenactment?

The sane photographers across Minnesota make MinnPics possible. Click over and check out what photographic treasures are showcased today!

Honest questions about pirates

What the fuck is the deal with the insane resurgence of pirates? The only problem is that these guys aren't "cool" pirates. The Somali pirates are douchier versions of the cool pirates I am secretly fascinated with. Somalis pirates probably don't scream snappy catch-phrases like "arrrrr" or "avast ye mateys". Real pirates have snappy but raggedy clothes, planks for walking and swords. Hell, some even have parrots and real pirates know how to swing on ropes in a fashionable manner.



These Somali priates have fucking gasoline powered, beaten down fishing boats like we'd see in our very own Minnesota lakes. Real pirates (in my mind) have wooded ships with towering sails. Sure, it all sounds a bit like Pirates of the Caribbean but dammit, the pirates of 2009 are straight up dicks and really have no business even being referred to as pirates. Ship hijackers maybe, but definitely not pirates.

The Somali ship hijackers are the absolute bottom rung of society. I am sure there are millions of decent Somalis and I know for a fact that tens of thousands of Somalis live right here in Minnesota and work hard to make their lives here in the U.S.A. The ship hijackers off the Somali coast deserve a slow and painful death and if their country is in such poor financial shape they need to find a legitimate way to dig themselves out of the quagmire they are in. Robbing others puts these Somalis on par with the CEOs of the enormous failing banks within our borders. I like to think that the Somalis are at least a bit above those who sunk our own country's financial fortunes.

Pirates are strangely absent from MinnPics but that doesn't mean that the photos aren't excellent.

Have you been furloughed yet?

Furlough, it's a fancied-up word for unpaid time off. Before this year I'd only heard it used with military personnel. Maybe that makes me a member of the military. Okay, probably not. Whatever the case, my employer issued a memo about our mandatory week-long furloughs. Every employee, even managers, will be taking a week of unpaid time off. In the short run it saves money on staffing. It also, however, takes valuable revenue-generating folks off their beats and while their number obviously aren't that impressive lately, every dollar still goes toward that all-important bottom line.

I am glad that it's not just the "worker bees" taking this latest hit due to the circumstances around us but I also have to wonder how many more times this will happen this year and next year and the year after that? How long will it be until companies realize that most everyone is running negative numbers and that your employees are your most valuable resource? How long can even somewhat financially set "worker bees" take hits like this and continue to keep their heads above water. Do minimal cuts like these do more harm than good for the economy? Do they do more harm than good for the very companies making these hard, bottom-line decisions?

I'm happy to still have a job but I often wonder, even while trying to be optimistic as the stock markets begins to rebound and home sales start to improve, how long I will count myself among the ranks of the employed.

Ponder this over the weekend

Are skunks offended by their own odor?

Is it like the human equivalent of body odor?

All because I saw a dead skunk on the way home last week and I don't have time to elaborate on it so talk it over amongst yourselves. I want a definitive answer by Monday.

Have you scoped out MinnPics lately? Really? You haven't? You should. It, like the rest of Minnesota, will be taking on hues of Spring in the coming weeks.

Ten gallons of snot

Let's think about snot for a moment.

Alright. Now that you're thoroughly disgusted, let's talk about snot.

Anot seems to be ever-present. Plenty of Americans blow their noses every day. I, for one, am a first-thing-in-the-morning nose blower. Then there are the occasions in which I sneeze. I always do so in series of three. If it doesn't stop at number three, it won't stop until I blow my nose and release the gallon or so of snot which has mysteriously appeared.

Which begs the question: where does that snot come from in such short order? Is my brain melting? Are my lungs slowly filling with the goo-ified toxins that surround me in my daily grind?

And just how much snot does the average person produce in a lifetime? I might be overshooting things but I'm going to say that it's in the ten-plus gallon range. Think of all the times you come down with the average cold. My old lady goes through about four boxes of Kleenexes in the duration of one cold which leads me to believe that, if she gets a cold one per year and she lives to be 85, the ten gallon mark is totally achievable. After all, that amounts to over 40,000 Kleenexes solely for cold relief with a grand total of 1,280 ounces of snot during those approximately 85 colds. That leaves us with merely .03 oz. of snot/Kleenex. Is the number anywhere close to accurate?

I encourage you to examine this for yourself and report back.

In the meantime, check out MinnPics because the photos are great and they'll stimulate your brain and likely slow snot production. A win-win for everyone.

Is anal rejuvenation far off?

Some of the procedures that have been created in the field of plastic, cosmetic or reconstructive surgery are downright weird.

The one that popped into my head is one of the more recent procedures that seems to be purely a Hollywood thing. That procedure is vaginal rejuvenation. Yep, vaginal rejuvenation (Google it yourself, folks). I can understand that things can become rather stretched during childbirth or extreme sexual activities but with the proper exercises, the vagina can be toned close to its previous condition. While I'm aware that some things simply won't return to normal and that age takes its toll, vaginal rejuvenation seems to be the most vain of procedures.

The thing that made me intrigued even more about vaginal rejuvenation is that I'm unclear about what the procedure involves. It is like detailing a car? Does the dust, salt and sand get graveled out and will you get a fresh spritz of air freshener? The new car scent is a favorite if this is remotely close to the actual procedure. The clean scent is enough to make one realize that the smell is clean but it isn't overpowering. Much like a fresh spring morning, maybe this is what a newly rejuvenated vagina needs.

Above and beyond vaginal rejuvenation, I have to wonder is the next trendy cosmetic surgery procedure is anal rejuvenation. After years of eating whatever the hell you wanted and pushing hard and whatever else you do to or with your anus, maybe anal rejuvenation isn't so bizarre after all. I imagine a hot iron to steam out any wrinkles or a hot towel treatment to revitalize the area. Maybe even some procedure dangerously close to a surgical mask-clad Asian lady digging away at your cuticles or sanding away the dead skin from your rough heels. After all, the anal area can certainly be subject to some abuse and removing that old, dead skin is necessary and probably a part of the anal rejuvenation process.

Am I far off here or dead on? What other procedures would you incorporate into the anal rejuvenation procedure?

There is no ass talk on MinnPics. Instead, it's a haven of unique and stunning photography from around Minnesota. Check out the fresh photos today!

What would you do?

Because I can do what I want, I will.

That's sort of the essence of free will. If I feel like stopping at the edge of a steep hill in my car, throwing the green monster in neutral, climbing out and pushing the bucket of bolts over the edge and laughing maniacally as I watch it careen down the side of the hill all the while hitting rocks and trees as I wait for movie special effects to take over and waiting for to it burst into flames because if it happens in movies it must happen real life just because I can, that's my choice. Sure there are repercussions with any action but if I do it I must be willing to accept those repercussions.

It's just like writing a profanity in gas on the sidewalk in front of your house, lighting it on fire and noticing a police car coming around the corner. You had better act fast or chances are you'll be spending some time explaining why the word "fuck" is burning on your sidewalk. Stomp swiftly or pay the price.

Of course my ultimate dilemma today is whether or not to climb my desk and take a nap. A siesta sounds rather tempting today as I am being beaten down with a cold which has lingered for a week and was awake at 4:59 AM (I saw my alarm clock's display) after finally crawling in to bed around 11:30 PM. The baby's internal clock seems to be broken.

I already know the answer to my dilemma but what would you do? Soldier on or grab your blankie and catch some Zzzzzs?

MinnPics doesn't take sick days. As reliable as the sun rising in the east, Minnesota's hand-picked gallery of the finest photos from the Northstar state works like a steel-driving man.

Things that will wake you up

Have you ever been woken up in the middle of the night by something out of the ordinary? I'm not talking about seemingly normal things like a knock at the door or a phone call, I talking weird stuff.

A few weeks ago, a sound similar to a cannon shot heard from the hill behind our house woke me up late on a Saturday night. I wrote it off as a moonlight Civil War reenactment.

Last night at just before 12:09 AM I was awakened by a screeching baby monitor. This was due to the electricity at our house going out. I wrote this off on a combination of wind, ice and some jackass driver thinking that four wheel drive means shit on ice-covered highways.

Then there was the creepy chime noise always heard late at night on the weekends when we were home and awake. Later on it was noticed that the chime noise happened at Midnight. Even later it was found out to be the alarm on my iPod. I've never set the alarm but maybe it was trying to tell me something.

Again last night, after the electricity vanished from our rather cold house (it was -10 degrees or colder outside) I was kept awake by the snowplow clearing the neighborhood streets. I have much appreciation for clean streets but starting the job at Midnight is a little too gung-ho.

What odd sounds/events have made you sit up in bed and wonder "what in the hell was that?"

And just because half of Minnesota is taking a snow/cold day, that doesn't mean that MinnPics is taking the day off. Check out the best photography in the Northstar state right now or I'll have my neighbor move his canon to your back yard for a special wake-up call.

Let's talk breakfast

Meat. For a real, sit-down breakfast, nothing beats it. It's not exactly all that's on the plate of a hearty breakfast but it's definitely a necessary portion of it. Think about the typical breakfast you'd order at a sit-down restaurant. It consists of pancakes, eggs done your way, hash browns and choice of meat. Usually you choose from sausage in link or patty form or bacon strips. Once in a while you're thrown for a total loop and can choose a slab of ham or Canadian Bacon.

But those meat choices exist solely for breakfast. Have all tasty pork products (pork chops and ribs being the exception) been relegated to the A.M. hours? What did Canadian Bacon, Sausage and Bacon ever do to the rest of the day to get left behind in the morning hours?

Maybe Bacon verbally slandered Ground Beef and, let's face it, a cow is larger than a hog, the Ground Beef said "Hey Bacon, I'm sick of your damn lip, it's breakfast only for you or nothing at all." That assumption leads me to believe that bacon is all talk. Does this truly make beef the king of meats? It trumps the rest in shear size so it makes sense.

Finally, to the McDonald's "restaurant" on Interstate 90 in Austin, MN -- you owe me a hash brown patty. I knew I should have gone to the "downtown" McDonald's. A #4 meal still, as far as I know, consists of the sandwich drink and HASH BROWN PATTY.

No photos of Hogs or Cattle on MinnPics yet but I've got Llamas covered like a blanket.