An ode to autumn or go to hell, fall

A cool northeast breeze fluttered across the terra cotta red plastic tray today as I ate my lunch alongside Scott County 42 at the Savage Taco John's restaurant. I saw plenty of people whom I assumed would normally be wearing shorts to be wearing jeans instead. While the calendar says Tuesday, August 26 there was definitely a hint of mid-October in the air.

It dawned on me when I found that first yellow maple leaf lodged in my new aluminum rain gutters while installing getter screens late Sunday afternoon. Fall is drawing near. School supplies have taken over the areas in stores once dominated by patio sets and gas grills and gardens everywhere are running over with the late summer bounty of fresh fruits and vegetables. It's even more obvious when I am reminded of the fact that my daughter begins kindergarten in a mere seven days. Fall will soon be completely upon us.

We will spend Saturday afternoons raking and bagging leaves from the trees that shaded us from summer's glaring sun. We will make one last mad dash to harvest every tender vegetable from our garden when the weather forecast predicts autumn's first nip of frost. We'll spend an afternoon picking apples or selecting the perfect pumpkins as we prepare for Halloween. You'll grab a light jacket as you run out the door in the morning. It happens slowly until you realize, one day, that the trees are bare and the lawn has stopped growing. The sun now sets shortly after 8 PM in the evening when six weeks ago there was daylight until well after 9 PM.

Autumn creeps into our consciousness like the ninja of seasons. Not like spring which seems to just happen one day when you look outside and realize that it's 50 degrees and all of the snow and ice is miraculously gone. Autumn is full of brilliant colors, cool breezes and shorter days until you look around one day and all that's left is brown. It catches you off guard. It could be 90 degrees one day and the next could be full of chilly rain showers with the occasional snow flurry. But we expect it because we know that by the end of November we will be donning thick jackets and likely shoveling some snow off of our paths.

Autumn is coming. Until then, though, it can go to hell because we were cursed with yet another lengthy winter, a downright cold and wet spring and a cooler-than-normal summer marked with floods, mosquitoes and more gnats than I care to remember. May our September be hot enough where school children have to wear shorts every day of the week and may October last until Christmas!

4 white trash ways to beat the heat

Even with summer coming to an end it's still as hot as satan's butthole outside. That kind of sweltering heat and humidity calls for some inventive and maybe even white trash ways to beat the summer heatwave that has people's mullets and rattails dripping with sweat.

1. Make use of that bath tub you tore out during that bathroom remodel you did in 1994. Drag that sucker out in the front yard, fill it up with the trusty, old garden hose and take a dip in it. You'll be cool for days. Or until the cool water leaks out reminding you why you replaced the tub to begin with.

2. Make use of those 5 gallon pickle buckets from your job at Burger King. Take 'em home and, when paired with some ice from the ice machine from your sweet gig at BK, dunk your feet in 'em and feel the instant and icy relief from the heat.

3. No sprinkler, no problem. Due to your aforementioned sweet gig at Burger King you have access to more than enough pickle buckets. Grab yourself one of those plastic buckets, find a nail and pound some holes in the bottom of it and awkwardly wedge it between the steps of your neighbor's ladder you "borrowed". Stuff a running garden hose in the top of the bucket and you have yourself a free sprinkler to frollick beneath.

4. Mesh shirt. Duh.

Love Bites isn't all that bad

At first, the premise of the show had me confused. A quick 15 minute vignette followed by a commercial break then a title card. Then it dawned on me, maybe Love Bites was a play on words -- maybe each segment (15 minutes or so) would feature a new story with a different cast of characters. Hell, anything's possible with a show that's been rewritten, recast, postponed, shelved and reworked more times than a pile of Silly Putty. The fifteen minute format might work for today's Twitter generation but good luck building a following from week to week.

But I was wrong again. Suddenly the title cards seemed pointless. The story started to come together and the lives of the characters started to be woven together.

All told, unless things pan out down the road, the lead character played by Becki Newton seems utterly pointless. She was shown during only the first 15 minute segment and only briefly then. Kyle Howard's appearance was somewhat welcome and unlike his previous milquetoast role in TBS's My Boys, he actually showed glimmers of comedic acting.

Greg Grundberg along with Craig Robinson (The Office) made for a serivceable comedic pairing. The scenes with Grundberg and Jennifer Love Hewitt on a cross country flight with Grundberg explaining his exceptions list and the fact that Hewitt was the only one of the list was funny. Funnier still was Hewitt confessing that her number-one fantasy was having sex on an airplane. The pieces all falling in to place seemed almost too convenient but made for a legitimately funny yet uncomfortable piece of writing. I won't give away the climax of this part of the story but the pair does end up in a very cramped airplane restroom.

All told, the story thus far, is disjointed but after writing the show off after just three minutes but sticking around for the entire hour, I think that with some more solid writing that Love Bites could have had a legitimate chance on the regular season NBC schedule. I'd say that if you have nothing else going on, check out Love Bites Thursdays at 9 PM C/T on NBC because at least it's better than the litany of repeats and unscripted garbage littering the summer airwaves.

Please avoid American Idol & TV for the next two weeks

If you are even a casual television watcher, do yourself a favor over the next two or so weeks and keep your set turned off. The TV season, for the most part, has wrapped up and the next two weeks are either a string or repeats we've already seen, the season finales of series which nobody actually gives a shit about or the premiere of some rather horrid summer series which are mainly unscripted fare which is best left in the trash from which it came.

Think about the possibilities. Tonight marks the first part of the American Idol season finale on FOX. There are obviously two "singers" left on this overhyped karoake contest and there's probably a mere dozen or two die-hard fans of this groan-worthy snooze-fest that could enthusiastically rattle off the names of these perpetual nobodies. Sure, the Idol franchise has produced a few music stars during its 8 year run -- Kelly Clarkson, Daughtry and Carrie Underwood being the only contestants from the series to actually reach any level of true success -- but the series has, in my opinion, a habit of taking people who probably aren't ready for the limelight -- either in their overall lack of stage presence, being unprepared for the rigors of fame and criticism from the press or their lack of songwriting ability. In short, it's a show that tries to turn nothing in to something.

Then FOX follows up the first part of the Idol performance show tonight with the season finale of the second season of Glee. From people who watch the show, they say it's still decent but it appears that the writing staff felt they were a one-and-done and had little in the way of story to write anything even remotely conherent and compelling for a second season. Maybe it's time that some series just admitted that they'd be best at following the limited run model of British TV series and pull the plug after twenty or thirty episodes. Tell a great story, pack each episode with compelling plot elements and wrap up a story in a defined period of time. Glee, though, will probably drag on for another year or two before it's put out if its misery.

The rest of the next two weeks, though is shit. Wednesday has an overly bloated and sensationalized American Idol finale in which viewers will wait through 53 minutes of an hour with Ryan Seacrest stalling, shilling for Cocal-Cola and Ford only to find out that their personal favorite karoake star didn't win a record contract that will force the winner to churn out a really shitty CD and return to obscurity by October.

Even The Voice, airing at 9 PM C/T on NBC tonight and next Tuesday until moving to 8 PM C/T on June 7th, is beginning to slip a bit. It's still the most innovative and original singing contest on TV and the mentors are actually currently relevant personalities but without Tim Mahoney, the show has lost its appeal to me.

Oh well, at least I have a couple more seasons of Dexter to watch and that should take up a month or two of those pre-bedtime hours during the summer months. I'd recommend you do the same.

What are your weekend plans?

Rarely do I know what I'll be doing two or three days in advance and I almost never make weekend plans but being as I call the southwest metro of the Twin Cities home, I always make it a point to head on down U.S. Highway 169 to the Minnesota Highway 19 exit and visit the river side town of Henderson on the last weekend of June. In particular, Sunday is a good day because it's the crown jewel (so to speak) of Henderson's annual Sauer Kraut Days celebration.

Yep, noon on Sunday marks the start of the parade with 3 PM Sunday bringing the Sauer Kraut-eating contest. Oh, you haven't lived until you've seen a handful of contestants creatively wolfing down two pounds of sauer kraut. You'll either be doubled over with laughter or doubled over in disgust, chocking back vomit.

I guess Sauer Kraut Days is something of a big deal for Henderson. In previous years I seem to remember FOX 9 doing a live report and a Star-Tribune article this year seems to at least mention the festival. It's worth the drive - about 25 minutes from Shakopee - and if you're lucky you just might see me at the parade. (full schedule here) I'll be the guy with the world's cutest 7 month old baby girl and a Nikon D80 camera. Say "hi" and enjoy some kraut!

And be sure to check MinnPics next week for Kraut-tastic photos!

The summer of self-improvement

This year has been one of changes in my life. In March we were greeted with the news that we would be parents in November. In April reality struck as I buckled down and took on a part-time job to pay the ever-increasing bills thanks solely to rising energy prices. In May I struggled to find that balance of work and life while working nearly 60 hours each week.

As June rolled around, I began feeling burned out and combatted that sensation by seeking out relaxation via, well, relaxing. I took to a local park a couple times each week after work and burned off the day's frustrations and found relaxation. We caught up on bills and looked forward to July activities with friends which included fireworks and a weekend on the lake.

All seemed well.

Then in late July my full-time job announced that the economy had taken its toll (which I viewed as inevitable but naively held out hope). Jobs were cut and my hours were cut along with a strict no overtime policy. That stung but I knew we'd survive. Then just days later my part-time job ended with no notice. Ouch.

I understood the positions from both employers but still felt some resentment towards them.

Since that time, though, I have had time for self-improvement. I continued my stress-reducing exercise regimen and have even taken up jogging. Yes, even with my shoddy knees which seem to click with every movement, I jog. The distance isn't far each day but I'm working on it.

I've felt physically better in just the handful of days since I started. My calves hurt like hell but I'm hoping to tighten up my mid-section, increase my lung capacity and my health in general because I know that beginning in November there will be sleepless nights and my time will be given to someone new who will wear some pink and may or may not like it.

So there is my vague plan for/recap of self-improvement. It's only the beginning though as I take some time this weekend to begin work on my fence and hope to take a quick jaunt for photographic purposes.

And speaking of photos, check out MinnPics because it's got big photos that are fun to look at and comment on.

Love and rockets

I'd like to begin today with a confession of sorts. I love BBQ. More specifically Kansas City style BBQ and a dish of dirty rice to accompany my plate of BBQ. It's delicious. I've missed my good friend, Kansas City style BBQ, for a few months now and while I am only now mildly disappointed that Piggy Blues restaurant hasn't received a shipment of their own recipe of bottled BBQ sauce for sale for far too many months, I forgive them because Josh and Andrea are good folks who make my trips back home well worth it in the dining department.

As for everyone else who made their way out to the farm for what has to be the tenth annual fireworks spectacular, I thank you. I am not responsible, though, for any burns you may have suffered from lighting fuses because nature is a fickle bitch and the wind Saturday evening just wouldn't quit. I wish we could have stuck around much longer because our current get-togethers always seem far too rushed.

Although, with any good times and gushing thak yous, I always have something to bitch about. Mainly, the quality of some of our Chinese-made fireworks. A rocket attached to a three-foot-long stick really should perform better than its smaller cousin attached to a fucking toothpick. I am disappointed because even tying three of the three-footers together made virtually no show for those watching a safe distance away.

Of course, Up By Canada Guy stole the show as usual because he is rather unburdened by financial restraints and just loves fireworks far too much. His giant Rubbermaid Tub-O-Explosives was impressive and he brought his A-game as four of us guys teamed up to set off six shells at a time without a hitch meaning that nothing blew up prematurely and the yard at the farm has no craters in it and, most importantly, nothing caught on fire. And even more importantly, I saw some hand holding... Could romance be in the air?

I risked malaria for these

For some unknown reason, our yard is infested with mosquitoes. This could be due to the fact that we have experienced a rather cool but monsoony spring or it could be due to our proximity to the Minnesota River. Or it could be a ankle bitingly bad combination of the two. (Seriously, my ankles look like I have a terrible rash but it's just a anklet of large welts from those blood-sucking picks.)

Anyhow, I spent more time after a quick touch-up to my 'do perfecting the ins and outs of my Nikon D-80.

Who wants to smoke my meat?

Early last year, I was mildly obsessed about where best to find great barbecue in both the Twin Cities and greater Minnesota. Frankly, it was starting to get expensive to drive nearly 100 miles south to Austin to eat with friends and a friend's barbecue restaurant. Don't get me wrong; his restaurant, Piggy Blues BBQ, is heads and tails above anything I've ever eaten. And if you ask me "Why don't you go to Famous Dave's?" I will surely respond by saying "Famous Dave's is to BBQ what Taco Bell is to Mexican food. I'd sooner eat McDonald's for a week."

It was about 13 months ago, thought, that my wife came through big time with a smoker for my birthday. Sure, others would ask for a flat-screen TV or an XBox 360 but mine is the gift that keeps on giving. In fact, it seems to give about once a month.


Saturday was one of those giving days. After testing a cut of pork I grabbed at the cesspool of all supermarkets; Cub Foods; a few months ago in the crock pot in April, I was ready for the smoker.
I'll spare you a lot of the details but I will say that I had the fire going by 11:00 AM and that the dry rub consisting simply of black pepper, chili powder and red pepper flakes stuck nicely to the mustard I slathered on to the pork.

Don't worry, the mustard's flavor vanishes and leaves the dark skin which seals in the flavor and juices. All told, I pulled the roast from the smoker around 6:30 PM after slow roasting over both traditional charcoal and wood lump charcoal at around 250 degrees while adding in a few chunks of Mesquite for smoky flavor.

I am slowly perfecting it and it's becoming a decent substitute for my friend's distant restaurant. What other summer delights should I try? Either on the smoker or the grill.

The summer of some content

This summer was one for the books, it was hot, it was cold, it was damp and it was dry. Then there's the weather to talk about too.

Of course with it being Friday, it time to talk about the summer that was in terms of music.

Summer is always thought of as a fun-loving time of year. The ladies take off the layers of clothes, likewise with the guys. Some of those people should put a layer or two back on but, for the most part, it's all good.

Summer, too, used ot be defined by airy, fun music that just had a summertime vibe to it. It was, for lack of a better word, poppy and simply conveyed a feeling of fun and frivolity. One of the last times I remember a truly definitive summertime song was when southern California band "Sugar Ray" first made their way on to the national scene. With their tune "Fly" they not only set the standard that particular summer for summer tunes but also managed to pigeon hole themselves into a sound that sold CDs and burned out rather quickly because they became carbon copies of themselves and that one particular song which turned out to be a one-up when compared to the rest of that disc (Their second major label release).

As the post-millenial music sales slump (at least in traditional solid-state media) continues, the summer-time music is dredging the bottom of the proverbial barrel. There were, though a few definitive songs that gained some footing in the here today, gone tomorrow world of music and a few of the artists will, in fact, actually be here tomorrow.

The likes of Black Eyed Peas nauseatingly popular (payola?) Fergie had a string of hits that lasted through various parts of the summer season as she cavorted around in her Kohl's-only wardrobe selling CDs (I haven't found anyone who bought one) and gaining notoriety even after she pissed her pants last year on stage during a show with the Peas.

Then there's the hit machine known as Justin Timberlake. He managed to shed the boy-band persona and go on to be what I think of as the king of danceable hip-hop. His music isn't just hip-hop. It has a pop sensibility that gives it broad appeal and his immense appeal has made him the number one guy to collaborate with. His enormous popularity has landed him gigs with Nelly Furtado and her reinvented image, producer extraordinaire Timbaland and, most recently, 50 Cent. He is the guy to beat.

Others who had huge summers and managed to break out of relative obscurity to gain newfound notoriety are another one-off band who could be mistaken as piano-loving "The Fray" if they only featured a piano in their music... that's right, "Plain White T's" had their hit "Hey There Delilah". The indie-rock outfit went acoustic and grabbed plenty of recognition.

Finally, making their first appearance on a major label were fan favorites "Against Me!". This punk-rock outfit put out what I consider the greatest rock genre disc so far this year and staked their claim to moderate amounts of fame with "Thrash Unreal" and the catch sing-along chorus prominently featuring the most underused phrase of this decade -- junkie.

Lookie here... you can download these tunes and more right here...

Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
Justin Timberlake - Summerlove
Plain White T's - Hey There Delilah
Against Me! - Thrash Unreal
Kanye West - Stronger (feat. Daft Punk)

The above opinions are that of only one guy. I am curious what tune(s) really tripped your trigger during those past warm month of 2007. Was it Avril Lavigne? Was it something even worse? Or did you rediscover some oldies but goodies?

There's very little sweetcorn on this cob

Create your own caption for this picture featuring our filthy 19-month-old nephew.