Four pieces of driving advice

1. If you are going under the speed limit on the freeway but have nobody immediately in front of you, speed up. You, my friend, are the reason traffic jams exist.

2. If a law enforcement officer has someone pulled over safely out of traffic, don't slow down. Shoulders exist on roads and highways for a reason. If the police have someone stopped three lanes away, don't slow down because you're more likely to cause an accident. Additionally, the police already have someone pulled over, they won't leave and come after you.

3. Keep going a steady speed. This is especially irritating in heavy traffic or "stop and go" traffic as it is referred to. The reason it is called stop and go traffic is because people have an irrational fear of leaving more than six inches between themselves and the car in front of them. Space is actually good. And a steady speed is better then stopping and going between 20 MPH and zero.

4. Get off your phone. I'm not talking about texting or updating your Facebook status, I am referring to actually having a conversation on your phone. I can tell because your speed is varied and you are barely keeping you car in one lane. If you have problems both talking and driving, stop doing one of the two. Please.

3 things to remember when you get older

Every day we probably all think of things that we should remember down the road a stretch. But how many of us actually remember those bits of information for a later date? In lieu of taking actual notes, I though I'd put those wise bits of information right here for all to see.

You can never tell your children something too many times.
SUre, you're going to come off as a broken record when you tell them, for the twentieth time, that it's not safe to hitch a ride with a stranger unless they have a sharp knife or can of mace close at hand but beating some words of wisdom into a child's brain is better than finding out that they've spent four long months in the bottom of Buffalo Bill's well in his creepy sex dungeon. It's just common sense. Oh, and don't take candy from strangers.

Your kid(s) will have premarital sex.
You did it too so don't think you're better than everyone else. If you think that your teenager isn't already fooling around in their car, in the local cemetery, in a deserted barn or underneath the bleachers at their high school's football field you are fooling yourself. Talk to your kid about sex. Yeah, it's gonna be hella awkward and you'll probably find yourself alluding to bumble bees or bananas but it sure beats that excruciating weekend you had back in 11th grade when you waited for your girlfriend's Aunt Flow to come-a-knocking.

It's never too early to think about your own death.
Get a plan together. Your own death is nothing fun to plan for and yes, you have to pay even to die but it's part of the circle of life (or death in this case) so at least have a list of who gets what. I know that everyone in your family will be fighting over the rights to take home that killer collector plate that says you did in fact tackle the biggest burger in the west and won.

The power of positivity

With all the news about firings, layroof and shutdowns in the business world, it's hard to crack a smile on some days. Sure, the stock market has been on an upwards trend for a week straight but even a prolonged upward climb will take weeks, even months, to translate to actual improvement.

It's easy to fall into a funk. We know that the bad news never seems to end because it's alla round us. But what if we, as a society, began to focus on the positives and simply think positively. We ourselves are all at least partially to blame for this complete economic clusterfuck. Millions of Americans looked to make a quick buck in real estate because it had been climbing at unheard of paces for many years. What those same people failed to realize is that it was just one huge bubble. We spent wildly for the last decade or more, forgetting lessons learned in the 80s and 90s. Even those who invested did so expecting double digit returns every year. When the market corrected, investors reacted wildly. Many pulled money from companies they had invested in and expected those huge returns from leaving those companies extremely strapped for capital.

I don't pretend to know anything about the economy but an interesting topic was on the news last week. It boiled down to the power of positive thinking. Yeah, nothing gets better without action but thinking positively surely can't hurt anything, can it?



So maybe it's time to look again at your bullet-riddled 401(k) and take a percentage of what's left, move that cash from those ultra safe investments such as bonds and put it back into actual companies that show some positive potential. If enough people start doing this and have some faith (along with the belief that the billions of so-called stimulus/recovery money will be properly used) there could very well be jobs being created by year's end. If we focus on the good while not ignoring the bad, a lasting economic recovery may be here sooner than we expected.

It's all about cautious optimism.

I'm optimistic, too, that with spring just around the corner, MinnPics will experience a true rebirth full of vibrant, colorful photographs from across the great state of Minnesota.

How NOT to write a personal ad

Meeting a potential mate online is the cool thing to do but how do you write a personal ad that will attract the opposite sex? Well, it's all about painting a picture with words.

I'll start with what not to say in a personal ad if you're a guy.

********
Single 37 year old male seeks single female. I am 5'6" tall and weigh 347 lbs. My hair is balding, my teeth are stained yellow from drinking four pots of coffee per day and I dress casually -- rarely sporting more than sweatpants and a spaghetti sauce-stained Pong Rules t-shirt. In my spare time I enjoy attending social events such as Star Trek conventions and playing Magic: The Gathering with pepperoni-faced teenagers. I have my own place and my mom respects it when she comes down to the basement to do the laundry. I am currently between jobs and am holding out for an executive position. I enjoy eating frozen pizzas and sharing grape Kool-Aid with my special lady.

********
I can guarantee that this particular guy will not be getting a call any time soon but I give him points for being honest.

Now women, you have it far easier. A female seeking romance in the personals could write the following ad and have hundreds of seekers.

********
Single 37 year old female seeks single ma

********
See how easy that was? It may not deliver the highest quality man but if you prefer quantity over quality you can save your words.

MinnPics is of far higher quality than this post. Tasty photos taken by skilled photographers capturing fabulous scenes across Minnesota. Check it out today.

Because nobody's reading, here's my top five

Welcome, scant few readers, to this yea'rs summary of the top five posts here at A Day in the Life. It's been a strange and glorious year. 2008 had the Summer Olympics in Beijing, China. It also had a ton of increasingly insane ramblings during the summer months from yours truly. Then in April I coyly announced the impending birth of our first child. In November I asked for names and in mid-November she graced us with her presence. Oh, many points were awarded throughout the year because I'm a generous fellow. And as 2009 approaches, I am seriously considering invoking some sort of rule where I can take the points back much like a large company buying back their stock because, yes, even blogs are facing tough economic times and even facing bankruptcy.

But truly, you're here to see what the five most-clicked posts were here at Minnesota's home for random nothingness with a soul of stone, A Day in the Life. Without further ado, here we go...

#1 From camel toe to nipples, the olympics are the place
I covered the 2008 summer Olympics like a fucking blanket and in my thinking back to gymnasts with their suits too tight and bodies covered in sweat, some things, like camel toe and visible nippage, are inevitable. It was done purely as a joke in my attempt to mock the Olympics but apprently the world is full of perverts, all of whom landed here, and generated literally hundreds of thousands of page views. Thanks pervs, your traffic translated to about two bucks right here in my still empty pockets.

#2 I'm on camel toe patrol
Oddly enough, as I pored through the thousands of photos available at the NBC Olympics website, I caught zero instances of visible camel toe. Maybe the gymnasts and their Olympic cohorts are using some sort of camel toe avoiding powder or spray but their spandex suits just weren't sucking up into their most intimate of places. It still generated a fuckload of traffic which proves the relevance of the Olympic games... for perverts.

#3 Welcome to China, nipple capital of the world
Yes, three of my top five posts were about a mish-mash of nipples, camel toe and the Olympics. This is where I finally dished on some of the nippage photos I unearthed. The U.S. Women's Beach Volleyball duo of Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor provided most of the material as they were probably the most photographed athletes in Beijing. Again, thanks to the perverts across these fine United States for making August a huge month!

#4 Mix American Diner, Chaska, MN
If restaurant reviews work at Lazy Lighting, why not for me? I did just one restaurant review this year and even without photos, people read it. The decor of Mix American Diner in Chaska is, for lack of a better word, awesome. If only their early attempts at food had matched. With prices truly sky high during my June (I think) visit, I was truly disappointed. Pick a damn identity, already. Your food screams diner while your prices outpace those of a chain such as Olive Garden. Hey, with the economy the way it is I'd encourage anyone still reading this to give the downtown Chaska diner a shot because I've heard that they have adjusted prices and now actually include french fries with meals deserving of them.

#5 A blog post about blogging for bloggers
I can't take anything seriously but I am also a wealth of information. That combination is what spawned this post inspired by this post. Two parts humor, one part self-deprecation, three parts untruths, mix thoroughly and keep it short. Plenty of folks read it and maybe this re-pimping of it will bring people back. Or not.

Of course, as the year draws to a close and the world crumbles around us, there's some housekeeping duties left to tend to. I still have to update all of you who don't give a crap about the 2008 Death Pool. I'm fairly certain that not a damn one of those listed on the death pool kicked it but there are probably some candidates on that list worthy of being on 2009's Death Pool.

How could I forget about something I'm actually proud of? In July I launched MinnPics because I am at least an amateur photographer and I am truly inspired by alot of what I see posted by Minnesotans on Flickr. It's going slowly but steadily as I recently added a MinnPics Flickr pool and am always looking at other ways to make this little pet of mine something more. So after you sober up, check out MinnPics because right now I'm doing a year-end wrap-up of sorts with photos and would love to have you join the Flickr pool and contribute your amazing photos to it.

What to do about bad Christmas gifts

It's a fact that comes with Christmas. Every year you'll get some God-awful gift that makes you cringe. You could chalk it up to the gift-giver not doing any reasearch what so ever about the intended gift recipient or you could chalk it up to the gift giver simply not caring whether or not their gift is appreciated. The one thing that the gift giver should remember is that it is their hard-earned money (more often than not) that they are pissing away by giving a terrible gift. Something unnecessary or kitschy is rarely appreciated. If you plan on going that route, save everyone a lot of anguish and just wrap up some crap you have in the back of your closet. At least that way you aren't wasting your own dollars on something that nobody wants.

Now let's say that you've gotten something truly ghastly on Christmas morning. What the hell do you do with that abomination? Should you immediately set it on fire and throw it back in the gift giver's face? Should you bottle your anger up inside and wait until after Christmas dinner to take the gift outside, urinate on it and bury it in the snow bank on the boulevard, hoping that when the snow melts that it takes this shitty gift down the storm sewer, never to be seen again?

No way. This is Minnesota and in the spirit of the bullshit that is Minnesota nice (a.k.a. avoiding conflict and confrontation and the truth at all costs) you're going to thank the gift giver for their crappy gift. You'll smile from ear to ear, thank them for it and kindly pose for a photo with it. That's the Minnesota way. And after Christmas, you'll take this shit-storm of a gift to the nearest thrift store, Goodwill or Salvation Army and give it a home. A home where it should have been all along because as nice as it is to receive something, it's even better to give something. Except a cold, so cover your damn cough.

Feel free, too, to visit MinnPics because great photography is bettter than any gift (except for cash). Check it out for something great and new every day!

The best way to protect your savings

Everyone's feeling some amount of pain from the mild economic hiccup impending financial doom but we're all asking ourselves "What can I do about it? How will my savings be protected?"

Knowing now the questions that you have, I've partnered with Hills Brothers Coffee for a sound solution.

I know what you're thinking. "Coffee? This guy's hit his head a few dozen times too many."

It's not crazy that I partnered with this venerable organization. Coffee is something that the majority of Americans drink each and every day and, due to financial circumstances, more and more are brewing their java at home. The can, though, often times ended up in your recycling on its way to becoming a fancy widget to power America's variety of industries. Well, no longer is that true.

Behold: the Hills Brothers Patented Savings Can.

Fill this lil' bastard with all the coins you can gather. Not only does the can's air-tight plastic lid protect your coinage, the metal can makes for some pretty sweet rattling noises when you shake it about. The model pictured is the "Goal Maker" edition but others, such as the "Secure", "Aggressive" and "Realistic" models are due to hit store shelves soon. And let's face it, after the past few weeks, all your money will definitely fit in this can.

Look for the Hills Brothers Patented Savings Can at retailers everywhere.

Savings not FDIC insured. Keep can in cool, dry environment as moisture could cause premature failure. Keep can within sight at all times. Can rated at 36.5 lbs. maximum capacity. Toxic paints and inks may have been used during production, avoid contact with eyes, mouth, anus, lips, navel or ears. Rash may occur from prolonged contact. Nuzzling of can is discouraged. No warranty of this product is implied. Product of China.

As always, a secure place to enjoy yourself and some great visual art (photographs) in MinnPics.