Easter is one of those holidays which brings all parts of the family together. The host family spends hours cleaning their home, preparing food and planning this only to have it turn to shit in mere minutes.
For us, hosting Easter dinner for the third time in ten years, we partially remodeled both our kitchen and living room, meticulously cleaned our money pit of a house and planned a pretty kick-ass meal. Of course, as luck would have it, the electricity had gone out when we arrived home from an excruciatingly long Easter morning mass. We hauled what we needed to my sister-in-law’s house and the wife cooked what she could there. I stayed home and minded the rugrats and waited for guests to show up.
The guests showed up in a trickle. The electricity came back on at ten minutes before noon and we hustled to get everything on the table by noon. We missed the mark by about ten minutes but that was, by far, the most timely holiday meal which had been served in over a decade for this particular family by anyone hosting it.
The problem, though, was that eleven people had yet to show up. I graciously waited five minutes and, after that time, calmly proclaimed “screw ‘em” and told everyone to eat. The food was as good as could be expected but where in the holy hell have people’s manners gone? I know that life gets in the way and kids can be a total bitch to get out the door in a timely fashion but it’s not like this was sprung on you a few hours ago. We told people months ago, followed up by a reminder a few weeks ago and a reminder about what to bring about two weeks ago.
So, why can’t people show up at a designated time? Everyone lives within ten minutes of our house. The wife’s dad showed up 50 minutes late. One of her brothers and his family showed up over an hour late. Her sister and family rolled up thirty minutes late. That accounts for a whopping fourteen guests showing up late. I get that holidays should be fun and relaxed but, shit, plan your time a bit better. While this isn’t a fucking job interview, have some respect for those who have the kindness to invite you lazy, untimely bastards into their house and feed you for free. Showing up on time is the least you can do.
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Monday, April 06, 2015
Thursday, February 03, 2011
Which whipped cream is best for Valentine's Day fun?
Last night as I laid down in bed, I though of whipped cream. That, of course, led me to laugh a bit and that single thought about whipped cream led me to write this.
It all began a couple weeks ago when I bought a quart of Kemps whipping cream. A dessert I was making called for it and I fully intended to make this particular dessert by the books. Well, after making that dessert and another dessert this week I was left with more than half of the original quart of Kemps whipping cream. The question in my head was this: do I continue making desserts which call for whipped cream or do I find another, more fun way to use this whipped cream.
It's widely know that some women like to show off a whipped cream bikini for their significant other but that usually involves an aerosol can of Redi-Wip of some equivalent of that particular brand. It could be for ease of use or it could be for texture but the aerosol whipped cream is the go-to choice for not just whipped cream bikinis but for other various forms of sex play which is best carried out on a washable tarp or rubber bed sheets.
I'm thrifty though so I wondered if anyone has ever whipped up a bowl full of whipped cream made from a quart container of Kemps whipping cream. What's the process there? Does the gentleman spoon generous heaps of whipped cream on to his significant other's lady bits? I have to think that the woman in this scenario would likely be turned off not only by her man's thriftiness but by the awkward vision of the whole thing.
There's absolutely nothing erotic about someone holding a wooden spoon full of whipped cream, piling mountains of it on to another's body. Sure, home-whipped whipped cream is straight-up delicious but it doesn't have the cling factor of its aerosol sibling. There are multiple items involved with distributing the non-aerosol whipped cream. First off you'd likely have a metal mixing bowl of whipped cream on the nightstand. Then there's the whole matter of the giant wooden spoon to transfer the whipped cream from the bowl to the quivering, anxious lady bits. It's gonna get messy and that whipped cream is probably just going to slide off her lady bits as it comes in contact with her 98.6 degree skin. You'd either have to use the spoon or your hands to distribute the whipped cream in to anything resembling a bikini form. Again, not erotic at all. Plus in this scenario, the creation of the whipped cream bikini from something akin to Kemps whipping cream becomes a two-person operation.
While the whipped cream made from Kemps whipping cream may be better used for straight-up foreplay in a more horizontal setting, it's still going to be awkward and you, as the man in the relationship, are going to come across as cheap and probably both awkward and stupid. For this Valentine's Day, I recommend sticking with the tried and true Redi-Wip and, for once, spend a bit more for a superior and more versatile product.
It all began a couple weeks ago when I bought a quart of Kemps whipping cream. A dessert I was making called for it and I fully intended to make this particular dessert by the books. Well, after making that dessert and another dessert this week I was left with more than half of the original quart of Kemps whipping cream. The question in my head was this: do I continue making desserts which call for whipped cream or do I find another, more fun way to use this whipped cream.
It's widely know that some women like to show off a whipped cream bikini for their significant other but that usually involves an aerosol can of Redi-Wip of some equivalent of that particular brand. It could be for ease of use or it could be for texture but the aerosol whipped cream is the go-to choice for not just whipped cream bikinis but for other various forms of sex play which is best carried out on a washable tarp or rubber bed sheets.
I'm thrifty though so I wondered if anyone has ever whipped up a bowl full of whipped cream made from a quart container of Kemps whipping cream. What's the process there? Does the gentleman spoon generous heaps of whipped cream on to his significant other's lady bits? I have to think that the woman in this scenario would likely be turned off not only by her man's thriftiness but by the awkward vision of the whole thing.
There's absolutely nothing erotic about someone holding a wooden spoon full of whipped cream, piling mountains of it on to another's body. Sure, home-whipped whipped cream is straight-up delicious but it doesn't have the cling factor of its aerosol sibling. There are multiple items involved with distributing the non-aerosol whipped cream. First off you'd likely have a metal mixing bowl of whipped cream on the nightstand. Then there's the whole matter of the giant wooden spoon to transfer the whipped cream from the bowl to the quivering, anxious lady bits. It's gonna get messy and that whipped cream is probably just going to slide off her lady bits as it comes in contact with her 98.6 degree skin. You'd either have to use the spoon or your hands to distribute the whipped cream in to anything resembling a bikini form. Again, not erotic at all. Plus in this scenario, the creation of the whipped cream bikini from something akin to Kemps whipping cream becomes a two-person operation.
While the whipped cream made from Kemps whipping cream may be better used for straight-up foreplay in a more horizontal setting, it's still going to be awkward and you, as the man in the relationship, are going to come across as cheap and probably both awkward and stupid. For this Valentine's Day, I recommend sticking with the tried and true Redi-Wip and, for once, spend a bit more for a superior and more versatile product.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Is Trick or Treating Dead?
"Is Trick or Treating Dead?" WCCO Good Question guy Jason DeRusha asked this question earlier today on his blog and his general reaction was that it's moving from a neighborhood event to a mall/event-centric "holiday". Hell, calling Halloween a holiday, in the traditional sense, is a bit of a stretch but it's marked as such on calendars so holiday it is.
Halloween, in my experience, isn't becoming any more of a mall-centric holiday for kids than it was when I was a wee-little goblin shaking down neighbors for candy. Halloween has always been about the kids because, let's face it, you look like a total dick if you're walking through the neighborhood smoking a cigarette in costume. That's either a sign that you're too damn old to beg for candy in your "costume" (turning your hat backwards and wearing your dad's uniform is NOT a costume) or you're a delinquent who needs to be locked up for your own good. And as much as I appreciate a nice cleavage-sporting costume, fifteen years old is not the appropriate age for that costume, now nineteen is a totally different story.
But back to the candy. The prices of candy are what piss me off - I spent about twenty bucks this year because I'm actually a nice guy. I willingly throw on my porch light each Halloween night and hand out candy to those who come to the door. It's usually the only time each year that I see 99% of these kids and they know damn well that they're leaving with at least one piece of candy.
Which brings me to another point. At least have the decency to say "Trick or Treat" when you hold out your pillowcase, shopping bag or plastic pumpkin. Don't be some ungrateful little prick who feels entitled to candy just because you had to walk all the way from your mom's minivan to my front door. And say "Thanks" after I drop the piece of candy into your little bag. Where the hell are your manners? That's why I like the under-five crowd. They are always the most polite (or shy) and they usually have mom or dad in tow with them. The ten-plus crowd is where they get to be "too cool" to try. They've taken on the mentality of their group leader and follow whatever attitude he or she displays - rarely is it a polite one. This is the douche crowd. They are too cool to even mutter a single word after I open the door. They are the ones who sometimes just walk around without a costume. Come on, even I wear a costume. This year, trick or treaters will either be greeted by hula girl Sornie or slutty nurse Sornie (both costumes I've previously worn - I like to recycle).
Which brings me to my final point. Halloween is one of the few "holidays" which is equally enjoyed by a broad group of ages. We all know that kids love it because they get "free" candy. But adults love it because they get to dress up like hula dancers or slutty nurses. And the adult women also get to dress up. That's what I like seeing...
If you like seeing photos from all corners of Minnesota, check out MinnPics. Updated multiple times daily, it's a virtual tour of the Northstar state.
Halloween, in my experience, isn't becoming any more of a mall-centric holiday for kids than it was when I was a wee-little goblin shaking down neighbors for candy. Halloween has always been about the kids because, let's face it, you look like a total dick if you're walking through the neighborhood smoking a cigarette in costume. That's either a sign that you're too damn old to beg for candy in your "costume" (turning your hat backwards and wearing your dad's uniform is NOT a costume) or you're a delinquent who needs to be locked up for your own good. And as much as I appreciate a nice cleavage-sporting costume, fifteen years old is not the appropriate age for that costume, now nineteen is a totally different story.
But back to the candy. The prices of candy are what piss me off - I spent about twenty bucks this year because I'm actually a nice guy. I willingly throw on my porch light each Halloween night and hand out candy to those who come to the door. It's usually the only time each year that I see 99% of these kids and they know damn well that they're leaving with at least one piece of candy.
Which brings me to another point. At least have the decency to say "Trick or Treat" when you hold out your pillowcase, shopping bag or plastic pumpkin. Don't be some ungrateful little prick who feels entitled to candy just because you had to walk all the way from your mom's minivan to my front door. And say "Thanks" after I drop the piece of candy into your little bag. Where the hell are your manners? That's why I like the under-five crowd. They are always the most polite (or shy) and they usually have mom or dad in tow with them. The ten-plus crowd is where they get to be "too cool" to try. They've taken on the mentality of their group leader and follow whatever attitude he or she displays - rarely is it a polite one. This is the douche crowd. They are too cool to even mutter a single word after I open the door. They are the ones who sometimes just walk around without a costume. Come on, even I wear a costume. This year, trick or treaters will either be greeted by hula girl Sornie or slutty nurse Sornie (both costumes I've previously worn - I like to recycle).
Which brings me to my final point. Halloween is one of the few "holidays" which is equally enjoyed by a broad group of ages. We all know that kids love it because they get "free" candy. But adults love it because they get to dress up like hula dancers or slutty nurses. And the adult women also get to dress up. That's what I like seeing...
If you like seeing photos from all corners of Minnesota, check out MinnPics. Updated multiple times daily, it's a virtual tour of the Northstar state.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Were your neighbors just having sex?
Let's face it, without sex we wouldn't be walking the Earth, going about our live or reading such fantastic blogs as this. So in this ultra-connected, ultra-shared web-centric world we live in it was only a matter of time until someone started a website that let users share their erotic encounters on a worldwide map. That's probably why I Just Made Love (h/t) was born.
It's handy to me so I can tell if the next door neighbors were screaming due to an argument or flat-out, wall-rattling, glass shattering, crazy sex. It's the newest way to be an anonymous voyeur and while it's not for everyone, I think it's worth a few moments of your time to clock and scroll around and read the quick notes about user's sexual encounters.
And on another, semi-related note, today is Columbus Day so banks are closed. Seriously, quit Googling for an answer. Banks are closed - it's a government holiday but some would argue that with the way our government works that every day must be a government holiday.
Now go do something woth your life that you'll be proud of - check out MinnPics. It's freshly updated a complete with photographic evidence of our ultra-early Twin Cities snowfall.
It's handy to me so I can tell if the next door neighbors were screaming due to an argument or flat-out, wall-rattling, glass shattering, crazy sex. It's the newest way to be an anonymous voyeur and while it's not for everyone, I think it's worth a few moments of your time to clock and scroll around and read the quick notes about user's sexual encounters.
And on another, semi-related note, today is Columbus Day so banks are closed. Seriously, quit Googling for an answer. Banks are closed - it's a government holiday but some would argue that with the way our government works that every day must be a government holiday.
Now go do something woth your life that you'll be proud of - check out MinnPics. It's freshly updated a complete with photographic evidence of our ultra-early Twin Cities snowfall.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
August 8th is a BIG holiday
The modern calendar is literally littered with pointless, often times manufactured holidays. August 8th is no different. I found this one while searching for a recipe. I plan on celebrating it this year.
If you live anywhere within 75 miles of me, you could come out winning BIG on this one. I have a fridge full of zucchini and your name is written all over them. Hell, I'll even volunteer to keep the U.S. Post Office in business and mail these fuckers all over America. Be careful when you open your front door and be wary of checking your mailbox. You could very well be getting a pile of the gift that keeps on giving - zucchini.
MinnPics celebrates holidays, just not the fake ones. Check it daily or a fluffy kitten dies.
Monday, July 06, 2009
No real hangover this weekend
The July 4th weekend has come and gone. It wasn't the most stellar of wekeends but it definitely wasn't a complete bust. I didn't end up in jail overnight or anything that was more likely to have happened a few years back. No four day-long benders or burning off my eyelashes just because the gas grill wouldn't light.
I did get a damn good meal Friday night on a rare night out without the baby. We also got to see The Hangover (HILARIOUS!). July 4th could have been mildly better in the form of lasting longer. A soggy start as we pulled out of the driveway led to sunny skies which, of course, sparked a mini deluge of sorts that drove us to end the outdoor festivities early before we were struck with lightning and completely drenched.
Wrapping those events up early meant a rather boring night as you can't very well take an 8 month old to fireworks at 10 PM because that will lead to much crying and screaming.
Oh well, at least today starts the epic week that is the first birthday of MinnPics. All I can say is that it's huge. Check back frequently and by that I mean hourly starting at 1 PM today.
I did get a damn good meal Friday night on a rare night out without the baby. We also got to see The Hangover (HILARIOUS!). July 4th could have been mildly better in the form of lasting longer. A soggy start as we pulled out of the driveway led to sunny skies which, of course, sparked a mini deluge of sorts that drove us to end the outdoor festivities early before we were struck with lightning and completely drenched.
Wrapping those events up early meant a rather boring night as you can't very well take an 8 month old to fireworks at 10 PM because that will lead to much crying and screaming.
Oh well, at least today starts the epic week that is the first birthday of MinnPics. All I can say is that it's huge. Check back frequently and by that I mean hourly starting at 1 PM today.
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
An important announcement
From here on, Fridays will be known as Pants-Free Fridays. Yep, it's pretty much self-explanatory and if you need an explanation you'll probably never enjoy Pants-Free Friday. This was inspired by seeing this link mentioned in a tweet this morning about a clothing optional farm in Wisconsin. Be careful when bailing hay, it's scratchy enough on the arms, imagine it on the... crotchal region. Ouch.
One more thing: the long weekend is officially a Socks-Free Weekend. Yep, my socks come off the minute I leave work Thursday and I vow to not put socks back on my feet until Monday morning. What are some of your long weekend plans?
Mine involve both of the above mentioned items as well as snapping a few photos for MinnPics.
One more thing: the long weekend is officially a Socks-Free Weekend. Yep, my socks come off the minute I leave work Thursday and I vow to not put socks back on my feet until Monday morning. What are some of your long weekend plans?
Mine involve both of the above mentioned items as well as snapping a few photos for MinnPics.
Monday, June 22, 2009
The world's best Father's Day gift
Well, my first Father's Day has come and gone and my only observation is this: where in the hell are the all-you-can-eat Father's Day buffets? Mom gets this treatment so why not dad?
And no matter what you may be thinking, I didn't get a weekend at a nude resort. Or did I? What did you all do to celebrate this Hallmark holiday? Me? I spent the day cutting an immense pile of lumber.
Be sure to keep up on all things Minnesota with MinnPics. The first birthday week is only two weeks away... can you feel the excitement in the air? Maybe it's just humidity.
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