The 2013 Pope-mobile & other Pope merchandise

In my continued efforts to prove that I am serious about my desire to be the next Pope of the Catholic Church, I have taken up the task of creating a mock-up af what I think the next Pope-mobile should look like. But let's not make it such an exclusive item. In an effort to expand the reach of the Catholic Church and grow its membership numbers, I think that the new Pope (in this case, ME.) would be wise to create a line of officially licensed Pope-brand merchandise.

The cornerstone of this new Pope merchandise line would be the 2013 Pope-mobile.

Just look at this bitchin' machine. And it's available in five fashionable colors perfect for 2013 and beyond. The door lettering is customizable to your needs, if you were wondering.

But this bad bitch is just the beginning.

Imagine Pope-style trucker hats. Pope-style bath robes. Pope on a rope (yeah, it's a recycled joke) -- perfect for becoming closer to Jesus right there in your shower. Sure, you might feel some of that trusty Catholic guilt when that Pope-on-a-rope brushes across your naughty bits but you'll get over that with the mobile confessional unit which will be roaming the streets of your town every Saturday from 1-5 PM.

I want to be the next Pope

With the sudden resignation of Pope Benedict from the highest office in the Catholic church, I have had the sudden realization that I would be the perfect candidate for the next Pope of the Catholic church.

Hear me out as I am being serious in my argument.

The first and most obvious qualification is that I am Catholic. Oh, sure, I don't "regularly" attend Sunday mass but as I lay sleeping in my bed most Sundays I assure you that I am there in spirit.

My second qualification is that I am pretty sure that I own a bible. I've ready a page or two back in the day and I can say "begat" with the best of 'em.

The third and possibly oddest qualification is that I am married and have a family. Those two items should make me far more qualified to dispense marriage and family planning advice than a string of never-married single men who wouldn't know a vagina from a double jointed elbow and have never experienced the joy of marriage.

The final qualification is that I would look damn good rocking that pope hat. While I have no desire to relocate to any country in Europe to run the Catholic church, I assure you that I can handle this gig remotely. With a high speed internet connection, a reliable landline phone (I can expense that if I get one installed, right?) for conference calls and Skype I'd have this whole Pope thing down in a couple of weeks.

I'll conclude my Pope application with my other qualifications: I know how to manage my money without even using a check register (balancing a checkbook is so 1999), I have a pretty sweet plastic manger scene which I put out every Christmas season and I used to play the trombone which wold come in pretty damn handy when the church service is in need of some musical leadership.

Belts of America

For many decades, portions of America have been identified by various "belts". These are large geographic areas of the country which share similar characteristics relating to geography, climate, inhabitants and a whole host of other items.

The accompanying graphic is by no means a comprehensive rundown of but I've done my research. Feel free to add other "belt" suggestions in the comments.
Then head to MinnPics later to see the freshest in Minnesota photography.

(11:10 AM: The newly updated map indicates newly discovered information that it is possible to be a perverted hillbilly who dabbles in/enjoys incestuous relationships)

This is why religion sucks

Religion, at its core, is an excellent form of community building and a fine place to gather and meet those in your community. It can give a sense of place -- especially in this hurried, hectic and generally fucked-up world. Then shit like this happens.

President Obama was invited by Notre Dame University - a Catholic university - to speak at their commencement ceremony later this month. Then today the bishop of the Winona (Minnesota) diocese berates both President Obama's policies and the choice of the officials at Notre Dame University. The Catholic church's hang-ups are the President's lifting of the ban on stem cell research and his pro-choice stance on the topic of abortion. In the eyes of hte Catholic church, pro-choice on the abortion topic means pregnant women having abortions because their mood changed on day. Sadly for the Catholic church, I have never met a woman who would make a choice like this on a whim. The majority of women, even if the pregnancy posed a risk to her own health and life, would endlessly agonize over a decision like that. A pro-choice stance coming from the President simply means that in those cases where abortion is the last choice for a pregnant woman, it will be done safely by someone who is medically trained. Not by someone in the back of a Chevy cargo van with a rusty pliers.

As for the stem cell debate, the stem cells in question come from fetuses who weren't used in the pregnancy procedures they were originally created for and would otherwise be medical waste. If you really want the argument dumbed down, scientists are acting like the area recycling truck in using something destined for a medical waste incinerator to potentially cure previously incurable diseases.

If the Catholic church - the church which I am a member of - wants to preach unity and spread their bullshit message of tolerance and acceptance they need to realize that their very denouncement of President's Obama's stance on abortion and stem cell research is further dividing the country at a time when such trivial issues aren't really an issue at all. It's time for the Catholic church to get off their high horse and realize that their cherry-picked issue of the week would play far better in the 15th century. Of course, what should I expect from a religion who still treats females as second class citizens by requiring nuns to take a vow of poverty while male priests are paid a living wage and receive retirement benefits after their careers in the priesthood ends? Then there's their intolerance of homosexuality. Days like this are when I truly question the entirety of the Catholic religion.

For a less divisive time, check out the stellar photos featured at MinnPics. They will bring a smile to your face.

Seven days of sex

I'm not a religious guy but this preacher at some non-denominational mega-church has a legitimate idea that I can actually get on board with. Seven days of sex. Sure, he says it's all about building a more connected and intense marital relationship and bringing spouses closer through their animal and carnal desires but as a guy I can say that this is the best idea ever hatched inside the walls of a church.

While I haven't presented the idea to my old lady yet, I can imagine her reaction. It will go one of two ways and I'll let your imaginations run wild as to which way it will go. Now that you have that image in your head, think about your home living situation. Think about your relationship. While it sounds like a pretty damn cool idea to get your freak on every day for an entire week, do you really have the time and the stamina? Are we as Americans ready, willing and able to expend so much energy? I can say that with a three week-old in the house, my energy is more focused on sleeping and probably will remain that way for quite some time.

How about you? Do you have what it takes to get your sex on for seven consecutive days?

Ah, MinnPics, the safe haven for sanity in these insane times. If you're unfamiliar, it's a community showcasing stellar photography from awesome photographers from across Minnesota and there's even a Flickr pool to contribute your kick-ass photos to so the braintrust behind MinnPics can more readily find these works of art!

I have found Jesus

Yes, you read the title correctly. I have found Jesus. He was actually buried in my front yard. And that is the best photographic evidence I could get so all you doubters and naysayers out there who think Sornie is crazy can see that obviously I am not crazy. I am actually very sane. Has anyone else found something odd buried on their property? Just try to trump plastic Jesus!

You know you want to be a polygamist

Why is it that all the crazies in Minnesota get ignored and why is it that Texas always gets to shine in the national spotlight?

I'm referring to the recent kerfuffle inthe news about that polygamist sect in Eldorado, Texas. Yeah, Texas. First they shine with the whole Branch Davidians thing in Waco and now a polygamist sect where sixteen year old girls may or may not have been forced into marriage with likely creepy looking middle-aged men. Something tells me this couldn't be further from HBO's "Big Love".

But why is it always Texas? (And maybe the key is a city name ending in 'O') You'd think with some die-hard Mormons populating the state that eventually Utah (coincidentally the setting of "Big Love") would land in the headlines for some polygamist crazies marrying both sixteen year old girls and fornicating with dachshaunds. Definitely uncomfortable for the dachshaunds.

I've begun to wonder if Minnesota is just too normal to be the home of a polygamist sect.

I also wondered what is involved with forming your very own polygamist sect.

Seriously. Think about it. A gaggle of young but plain wives ready to give it up for their husband at a moment's notice. Practically a license to repopulate your crazy corner of the world. Ruling your community with an iron fist if anyone (man or woman) gets out of line and tries to return to "civilization" because, dammit, this was their choice and only the weak quit polygamy. It's a lifelong commitment and it took a helluva long tim to wire the premieter of the grounds with landmines. And landmines are damn expensive. Even from shady, underground military surplus stores that cater to militants, crazies, cult leaders and protective polygamists.

My challenge to you is this: if you live outside of Texas (you had your moment), think about how you'd run your polygamist sect. What would life be like? No hippie commune crap here. Polygamists have an agenda -- I think. After all, how hard can it be to find members to live the polygamist lifestyle? Scientology draws plenty of members and attention, are the two really that different?

Bunnies and eggs, is there a relationship?

Why are the two traditional symbols of the commercialized Easter holiday entirely unrelated?

Bunnies don't come from chicken eggs and chicken eggs don't come from bunnies. Sure, if my science here is correct, bunnies do in fact come from eggs but that involves freaky bunny sex which, amazingly, I know nothing about except that 'fucking like bunnies' is a popular term when describing your friends who have insane amounts of sex.

Great, I went off on a twisted tale involving humans fucking like bunnies while trying to decipher the symbols of easter. Just give me the ticket to hell, please.

Where is the relationship, folks? Why must we surround ourselves with an Easter basket full of varying types of eggs and fill the fucker out with an Easter bunny? Which came first, the bunny or the eggs? Huh? Wait a minute.

That old tale is about a chicken and an egg, two things which are related. Chickens come from eggs and vice versa. Not the same with bunnies. Bunnies are born alive, they are not hatched.

Maybe bunnies, in some corner of the world, give birth to eggs where pollution runs rampant and thus began the tradition. Or maybe they swim underwater at the Mall of America like Scuba Bunny does...

Enlighten me, please.

Breaking ranks with the Catholics (again)

It seems that the Catholic church is as rooted in their ways as ever.

I, for one, disagree with their latest edict stating that Catholic voters must remember the church's teachings when casting votes in the 2008 presidential elections. I wholeheartedly disagree with a religion dictating behavior and attempting to stifle free will which is essentially what they are aiming for.

But "that does not make (moral issues) optional concerns or permit Catholics to
dismiss or ignore church teaching," the bishops said.

What people do with their lives, within the confines of the laws established, is their own business.

However, they also oppose same-sex marriage, euthanasia and embryonic stem cell research, in addition to their staunch anti-abortion position.

I can say that this, among plenty of other issues, is yet another Catholic "teaching" which I don't agree with and object to which will be sure to cause conflict among myself and my wife and myself and both my family and her family. What do others think about the Catholic church nearly stating how they wish their members to vote? Do other religions often make political statements such as this one? Am I alone in thinking that the Catholic church is severely behind the times?

It's all about the lovin'

Sex. It's a widely known fact that most people engage in it at some point during their existence. It is mystifying, too, why so many religions demonize it if it were to occur outside the sanctity of marriage.

I guess that religion exists to keep our so-called animal instincts in check. If it weren't for organized religion stifling our deep-seated desire to fornicate with each and every moderately attractive person of the opposite sex we saw, the world would be a very different place. Hell, some would say that we'd be animals but in actuality we are. I am fairly certain that we didn't just sprout from a seed, evolution took us to a higher plain -- higher than those animals who randomly jump those of the opposite sex (and sometimes of the same sex) because they are feeling like doing so.

That's why it mystified sex columnist Dan Savage as the high-brow Slate magazine took a look at how basically ignorant people are about sex and how elements of it have been stifled, not just by religion but by our political cultures who try to dictate more than they need to in the lives of those they represent. (Note that they represent us, not control us).

The fact that in a world where violence in film and on television is a common occurance and the government is still in fear of something as simple as same sex unions is absurd. I don't think that seeing either "atrocity" in person or film is going to sway a normally sane individual to commit either act. People, living of their own free will, will do what is best for themselves and those around them. I know for sure that I wouldn't go out and shack up with a gay man just because I saw it in a movie or because it was legal. Partly because I'm not gay but if a spectacular job opened up with Twin Cities gay magazine "Lavendar" I'd have no problem signing on because I am not fearful of "the gays" and I am who I am. I do what's best for myself and those around me first and foremost.

I guess I am thankful that our government and religions aren't more close-minded than they already are. I am not for all-out anarchy but the will of the people should be first and foremost, not the wishes of a select few who can't even comprehend that same-sex unions aren't a threat (well anymore than girls who wear the phrase "juicy" across their ass are a threat to teen boys).