Belle Plaine manages to come off as full of rednecks

In an overly-long FOX 9 News story proving that FOX 9 doesn't have enough real news to fill their 90 minutes of news beginning at 9 PM (below) a bunch of barhounds in the far south Twin Cities exurb of Belle Plaine found a way to be the news. Rather than use Facebook for what it has devolved in to - playing Farmville and Mob Wars - a local yokel took it upon herself to create a Facebook "Fan" page about a local bartender who is basically a prick.



I've been in that bar a few times as I celebrate St. Patrick's Day in that particular city each year but have never witnessed anything out of the ordinary. The real story here is that a bunch of disgruntled barflies have A.) too much time on their hands and B.) a serious problem with confronting problems face to face. Now, I'm not suggesting an old west type of Main St. shootout but these people need to drop the high school bullshit. This isn't a matter for the cops either - unless a true crime has been committed.

In a world where money talks, the bar patrons in and around Belle Plaine need to speak with their wallets and, if the manager/co-owner of Andy's Bar & Grill (Brian Mayrand) is as much of a dick as these people say he is, spread the word in a more civil fashion to get others to simply stop buying their drinks there. There are about a half-dozen other bars within walking distance of Andy's Bar so it's not like the town is experiencing a shortage of bars.

This all boils down to a two-sided argument where both parties have some truths to what they are saying. The bartender/owner/manager might run a tighter ship than what previously existed but he may be a total prick as well. Let's face it, that many people having similar experiences can't exactly be an elaborate conspiracy. It's also an obvious example of FOX 9 trying to be ultra-investigative and in-depth - even when the story is a non-story because let's face it, unless the bartender is stealing cash and serving and then having sex with underage girls this isn't news.

That would be like me claiming that MinnPics is all breaking news. It isn't because it's all photos of Minnesota every damn day. Check it out!

Belts of America

For many decades, portions of America have been identified by various "belts". These are large geographic areas of the country which share similar characteristics relating to geography, climate, inhabitants and a whole host of other items.

The accompanying graphic is by no means a comprehensive rundown of but I've done my research. Feel free to add other "belt" suggestions in the comments.
Then head to MinnPics later to see the freshest in Minnesota photography.

(11:10 AM: The newly updated map indicates newly discovered information that it is possible to be a perverted hillbilly who dabbles in/enjoys incestuous relationships)

Another bad engagement photo

In the sure-to-be long-lived tradition started last week right here, I bring you another bad engagement photo.

I'm all for letting your personality shine through in portrait photography (the last wedding I photographed featured the bride and groom in their sunglasses) but camouflage hats for your engagement photo - that's just tacky. And put on something besides a t-shirt.

MinnPics has higher standards when selecting photos to feature. Check it out now and see what corner of Minnesota shines today.

Bad Engagement Photos

In the vein of "Bad Family Photos", I'm starting a collection of "Bad Engagement Photos". We've all seen them, hell, some of us have even been featured in them (not me - our engagement photos were damn classy). I could go on and on with stereotypes about what would make an engagement photo a truly bad engagement photo but you can let your imagination run wild. Think mullets, slogan t-shirts, lame backdrops, soft focus and 80s bangs (this is, after all, 2009).

This first one is from my old hometown's newspaper, the Austin Daily Herald. I have a feeling that it will be a complete goldmine for material but if you see a bad engagement photo posted on a newspaper website (hopefully in Minnesota) send the link my way.

Notice a slogan t-shirt and some sort of bad effect as a border on the photo. I am also venturing out a limb here in saying that her carpet DOES NOT match the drapes.

MinnPics explores autumn today from a few perspectives. Check them out now.

Phrases to live by

It's probably not odd but for me, most of my best ideas are hatched in the bathroom or after midnight. Here are a few - try to figure out their birth place.

If you cut too many corners, you end up with a circle.

If you have time to do it wrong, you have time to do it right.

If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

You look like a horse.

To make a good burger, don't overbeat your meat.

The customer is always right except when they're wrong.

The Desperate Housewives are nothing but drunks, sluts and murderers.

If a movie is on SciFi, it's just not that good.

Every neighborhood has a hillbilly and if you don't think so, you might be the hillbilly.

Are there more? Maybe. Should you check out MinnPics and bite your nails in anticipation of the big 1st birthday blowout during the first full week of July? Definitely!

The disgusting Domino's video

Every few months, we are reminded about the hazards of eating fast food. Like any restaurant, you don't get to see its preparation so one can only imagine what ends up in your favorite sandwich or where that sandwich may end up in the course of its preparation.

Then there's the matter of the degenerates preparing the food. Let's jsut say that there's a certain rung of society that is employed in fast food and it's a wonder that they can put their clothes on, much less prepare your food.

But as the mantra goes, you get what you pay for.



Now maybe you'll think twice about the Domino's promo featuring their hot and fresh toasted subs. Hey, at least at real sub shops (Subway, Quizno's, Panera) you can see what the employees are doing while preparing your sandwich.



At least the president of Domino's Pizza apologized and is taking steps against this happening again but who is he kidding? With any employee, you tend to get what you pay for and while these degenerates may have a hard time finding work after being fired from Domino's Pizza but 31-year-old Kristy Lynn Hammonds of Taylorsville and 32-year-old Michael Anthony Setzer of Conover, North Carolina will be right back at it after serving a few days in jail and paying a small fine because we all have pea-sized memories.

Check out MinnPics because the only food featured there is in photograph form and is tasty as hell because that's how we roll here in Minnesota.

White House Watermelon Email Proves Even Californians are Idiots

Have you heard the one about the White House not having an Easter Egg Hunt this year? Oh, well it's because the Obama family has planted the White House lawn to watermelons. Yep, a black man loves watermelons. Oh, some people are so fucking funny. What, are people that come up with this shit from my in-laws' family?I guess as long as people feel the need to make stupid jokes and have racist relatives this kind of crap will continue. Luckily I never had this sort of influence growing up. I had black friends as far back as elementary school and those two kids felt very much out of place in our ultra-white town. Sad jokes like Barack Obama planting the White House lawn to watermelons make me angry. I know that it's just some inbred hick's attempt at a joke but to dredge up painful stereotypes from many decades ago proves to me that this supposedly enlightened era we are in has a long way to go.

MinnPics is buried in over a half-foot of snow. Check out the photos now!

The necessary evil of Walmart

Walmart is the bane of my existence. For many of most youthful days, the faroff destination of Walmart seemed so mystical to the young me. The twenty mile trip to the nearest Walmart was a true family affair. So much stuff under one cramped roof. That original Albert Lea store was so awe-inspiring to me that I actually got excited when Mom said we were heading over to Walmart for some shopping.

Later in life, particularly my late-teen years, Target and their ultra-chic stores were more of a draw to me. Again, this meant a 30-plus mile trip because all my sorry hometown had for discount retailers was K-Mart and Shopko. Walmart started its slide to where it stays today. It became uncool to even utter the name of the store.

Then I moved. Walmart was again a twenty-plus mile drive. Really, Apple Valley is nice and all but its Walmart was definitely not a destination.

But then came a Walmart nearby. It was literally on the way home and its far-flung location meant that it wasn't overly busy and with the store being new, it hadn't yet slipped into the typical state of disrepair that seems to identify Walmart stores. The prices on the few items I allowed myself to buy from there made the stop worthwhile.

But just months after the original store opened, they remodeled and expanded into a full-on Supercenter. With that came groceries at low prices. It also brought crowds of people that seemed to have shopped exclusively there for decades. Nevermind the fact that this Walmart Supercenter was just weeks old. I mean I had never seen people like this at any other store. Ever. They tooled around in their motorized carts. Their saddlebags resting comfortably on the fenders of the moto-carts. And if they weren't motoring through the store buying up large quantities of generic cookies and Sam's choice soda they were laborously pushing a overflowing cart squarely down the center of the aisle at a snail's pace with total disregard for others who actually have other obligations.

But I kept going. My income steadily declining to 2000 levels, Walmart saved me money on my essential groceries. Sure, I left the store with unhealthy blood pressure levels but I had saved a few bucks and kept the family fed.

Then came yesterday. With three items in hand almost runing through the store, I sped towards the 27 checkout lanes - three of which were actually open at 4:45 PM. I did my typical intelligence profiling of the employees and made the wise decision to head for the self-checkouts. Big mistake. As I waited behind three people for ten minutes I repeatedly berated myself for omitting the fact that mouth-breathing shoppers are far less effective as checkers than actual checkers.

Needless to say, my old lady was pissed off as she was waiting for me to get home and watch the young 'un so she could to go to the gym.

That, in a not-so-concise story, is why Walmart is a necessary evil.

MinnPics keeps finding truly stunning and creative photos from around Minnesota. Click the link and find out what today's discovery is!

Extreme trailer house makeover

Sometimes stereotypes are just wrong. Other times they are just too spot on to ignore. Take, for instance, a stereotype about country music fans being prone to living in trailer parks in the middle of tornado alley. Sometimes popular media takes a stereotype like that, runs with it and makes it reality.

CMT, the cable channel that morphed from playing country music videos to immersing viewers in the country "culture", has either proven a point or made a mockery of country music fans across America.

As I perused the listings for new episodes on TV tonight, I found a show on CMT entitled "Mobile Home Disaster". Even the logo for the program looks to be a touch redneck. They are definitely walking the line between immersion in the country culture and mocking country music fans and portraying them as a bunch of inbred NASCAR fans who seem to be rejects from the casy of "My Name is Earl".
If you are a country music fan, I'd be interested in knowing if this sort of programming (essentially a countrified version of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition") appeals to you. To others, would a program mocking your way of living offend you or entertain you if the offending style was done in a backhanded fashion?

The Christmas letter

Merry Christmas everyone! We have enjoyed a bountiful year here in Minnesota. The year began on January first as I suffered through a terrible hangover from the festivities of the previous night. That is fast becoming a tradition and one that I plan on repeating each and every year.

In all seriousness though, the winter was cold. That is typical in Minnesota. The first weekend in February brought even colder temperatures as we had our annual winter party. It's nothing fancy, just a bunch of overly boisterous and weird people that I call friends eating food and drinking booze while we play cards and chat about normal happening such as how long we each spend in the bathroom while at work. You know, typical adult conversations.

Our cats had a fantastic year as well. Those piles of fur with four legs and annoying meows still aren't bald but should be based on the large tufts of fur that float above the heat vents while the furnace runs. They are also in good health based on the exorbitant price (the feller we found on craigslist charged $10 and 2 hours of private conversation about the habits of the cats in his private office or as it truly is, the back of his 1974 Dodge conversion van) of their last checkup where they fought after being placed back in the same pet carrier they arrived in with no incident.

As for our own health, we are doing alright. We haven't had any broken bones lately despite our best efforts and the process of crab walking along the roof as I cleaned out the gutters -- although the car on blocks parked below probably would have cushioned my fall. We all make bad decisions, I just make more than most.

On the employment front, we are both still gainfully employed. I spend my weekdays rummaging through dumpsters for items to resell at monthly garage sales and the wife spends her days labeling vials of bull semen at a local farm. It's not glamorous work but it keeps us in good spirits and we can even afford to buy up some of the neighbor's bathtub moonshine for special occasions or as others would call it, Tuesday afternoon.

Christmas is the reason for writing this letter though. With the house (airstream trailer) decked to the nines, we are a sight to see during the Christmas season. After all, I did happen upon a somewhat cracked nativity scene. Sure, lil' baby Jesus' face is covered with electrical tape and Joseph's forehead has a banana peel permanently stuck to it but we are celebrating the season in style.

Merry Christmas and may 2008 bring you great tidings and a fine NASCAR season! Yee-haw!

I discovered the real cause of global warming

Everyone has their own weekend hobbies that keep them either busy and out of trouble or busy and in all sorts of trouble. Mine, though, is the former. Some of you don't know too much about me but I like to both dabble in science and research and I simply loathe alcohol. I mean, come on, that stuff is the juice of the devil himself. So instead of demeaning my morals and taking part in a booze-fueled orgy of wild behavior, I soaked in the weekend rays in my ever warming back yard.

I wondered, though, why my back yard is getting warmer as each summer passes by. Sure, Americans are driving larger vehicles and driving more and those in the rest of the world are driving more too but that sort of science that says burning fossil fuels contributes to global warming is straight up hooey.

Not satisfied with the answers of professional scientists with fancy learning degrees from huge universities, I took to doing my own research. I craned my neck to the right and there it was, my answer.

Two houses down, my neighbors built a patio between their house and detached garage. Each and every night for the past ten days, they have had a fire going of varying sizes. Ten straight nights of drinking the devil's juice ass they sat next to their planet-warming fire. I know they were drinking that evil booze because the cans, in the gleaming mid-day sun, were obvious and there are plenty of them.

Without a fancy degree in science, though, I had discovered the answer that hundreds of thousands of well-funded scientists have been unable to obtain. As not only Minnesota, but the rest of the world gets hotter, my alcohol drinking, wood burning neighbors are solely to blame.

Well, once they sober up, they should be put to work making the world a better place. They should walk a couple doors down the block and scrape the ashes out of my fire ring and make sure my beer bottles make it out to the curb for recycling come Wednesday morning.